Blog No. 47.

So today I am beat. This exhaustion is lasting than last time. I am no way near as bad as Friday but I still feel limited in what I can physically do. I just want to be feeling healthy. Not felt that for such a long long time.

My mood is a bit up as have had a couple of nice days with Chris and he always makes me forget. I miss it when he's not here, I am always stuck on my own, I wish people would come visit me, I know people are busy and sometimes I can't be bothered But my days consist of being in a bubble.

I don't know what time and day it is normally, not as though I need to really But everything is merging and merging and I am scared that I might merge my life away.

The good thing is I have found mental strength, not much as I am constantly battling with myself need it be to get up and shower, have food, concentrate on what I am writing here. But some is there.

I just noticed how thin I am becoming and I am very self conscious about it. Last weigh in over a month ago i was 9 1/2 stone I may well be thinner now, the veins in my legs are sticking out I hate all of my clothes don't fit, my super skinny jeans are now basically just jeans. Belts on everything including stuff that was too tight for me before.

Yeah every girls dream but believe me its not. None of it is so I don't want comments about how being this good its not. Its probably why I am so tired, and yes I am eating.

Just cancer patients get thin. I am paranoid that I am starting to look ill. I don't want this at all or people to lye to me about it. I just don't want people to know I am sick or mistake me for the common Glasgow "junky" look.

funny how my vanity still rears its head when I am dying of cancer or I am really worried is how I look. Well I loved how I looked before and yet another thing this disease stripped me of.

I cant bear it.

So the thought of the day is....

Why do people think thin is good, I think it's hell on ice

Peace love and curves.

PS

I have no bum I miss it...

Blog No. 46.

So last night was amazing, well eventually it was. I was so exhausted and tired most of the day and at the last minute I got the little boost of energy, It was all I needed. Chris came done my hair did, and we called a taxi at 6pm, I wanted to be there for 6.30 to the meet and great with the ladies. I was starting at 7pm 6.50pm and still no cab.

I was a mess of stress and had to eventually go out into the street with the rain and the cold and flag one. I made it flustered and was only 10 minutes late. But my plan for the evening was wasted.

I was stressed and annoyed for like ten minutes after I got there but the night, what a night. There was 2 bands on before the ladies who where both good. But nothing beats Robots In Disguise live. There energy captivates you and pretty girl playing electro rock n roll with their own guitars gets you no matter what you persuasion is.

The gig was so much fun and I was drunk, I did have to be sick but took anti sickness pills and continued.

The ladies then came and met us in my "local" haunt for a few drinks and we had a laugh. Wasn't a big night out but was just pleasurable and it has done what I knew it would and lifted my spirits and My light got to shine, even for an hour on battery saving mode last night.

My thought of the day...

Whats really the best form of medicine?

Peace loving Robot

xx

Blog No. 45.

So I got another appointment in my post today. I have to go for a CT scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis are and lots of stuff you have to do for it too, like what you can eat the day before, and having to fast from midnight.

Dint know how it makes me feel, I hope the scan me and say its all been a mistake stop the treatment now, But it doesn't work like that. I wish it did tho. Could you imagine how amazing it would be if I had miraculously healed or that it was a mistake. I could just live again. No more chemicals being pumped into my veins, forced down my neck no more hospitals no more being sick.

JUST NO MORE.

As I am at the stage of no more. No more of any of it. I am currently thinking of stopping the chemo in the next few days. I cant do it anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore I do want to feel alive and leave my life to fate, but I need to think about a little more like how quick would i die and what the other outcomes are.

But I just don't want this anymore, I really want them to give me good news. Maybe after this scan There will be some. I really need it or I am going to snap. Or explode I don't know but whatever ones bigger. I will do it.

I am looking forward to seeing Jodie today he's a theme and a gossip and knows what witches want. I also have the beau coming over today and he's accompanying me while I support Robots In Disguise tonight. Can't wait.

I am going to go and and brush my teeth and get ready.

My thought of the day?

Do you think I will get my miracle?

Peace love and C.T. scans

xxx

Blog No. 44.

I still in this slump. I wish it would just go. This feeling is so frustrating it eases each day. But not much. I am starting to look forward to tomorrow night. I get to see my Orville, and I am supporting Robots In Disguise in Glasgow tomorrow. One of my all time greatest bands. Check them out on YOUTUBE.

It will be a nice day and night and will take my mind off of how crap I feel just what I really need.

In fact I just need to feel better I wish I was the one in control of anything. I really feel like I am lost in a whirlpool and wish I could find the crack to escape through. Its so frustrating to me that I can't.

I just want my freedom its the precious thing I owned and I worked hard for it. And now its been stolen away from me, that and my bright glow.

I feel like whenever I write this I am so angry or meek but I am not that type of person.

I am gonna drag my sorry self out of this horrible way my mind has stuck in but until keep reading the gloom, Its only my naturally expression.

Thought of the day....

Where's my emergency exit?

peace love and help me escape....

Blog No. 43.

Well today I am feeling a little and I mean a little more alive. Not exactly jumping around but able to sit up at least. I am just constantly bored. Bored of being sick, Bored of one T.V. programme turning becoming another. One hour becoming the next.

I just wish it was all over and I could have a Long break from treatment. I want to do stuff loads of it so really need to think what I want to do when I am well Enough. I fancy another cruise and jetting off to Miami.

I can feel the sun on my face sometimes. When i think on it long enough I can just feel it. It feels war and nice and like I am human. I keep not feeling human. I almost just feel like a shell who at times becomes alive and gets to be a diamond for just a short while, a real short while then I am empty again.

I feel like that most of my life I have been this being of light and I have shone. I have done more with my life than I could write about tell you about or even show you. I lived it to the full. I now feel like a star but one who's light is slowly is fading and every now and again I get to be the brightest one in the sky for just one night then I have to turn my glow down.

Imagine being the brightest star shining with all the bright stars and then your light is being extinguished and no matter how hard you try or want to brighten yourself you cant glow. that's Kind of how I feel.

Who stole my light?

I have shone on many people and many people have shone on me and never again will I get to be so bright but always remember me as that shining star I was, not the shell I have become.

I guess I just shone too much to soon but I wouldn't change that.

My thought of the day

How brightly are you going to shine?

Peace love and stars baby

xx

Blog No. 42.

So today I am starting to feel rough. I can hardly move and has taken me until 3.30 to take my first lot of chemo. My stomach hurts and feel like I have hardly been off the loo today. I have zero energy and have spent most of today sleeping.

I feel like when I feel like this the whole world could pass me by and I wouldn't even notice.

I really dont have the energy for this blog or to even come up with a thought of the day so why dont you give me one?

peace and love

xx

Blog No. 41.

Well last night was emotional. I am feeling better I guess after letting some of my pain out. I didn't get much sleep. I am starting to worry I maybe getting depressed and I need to be very careful of that as it clouds my judgement and opinion and makes you want to quit. I have a mind check up soon so have steps in action to watch what I am doing.

On a happier note I have a guy, he's so sweet and nice and when he's not here I miss him. He gives the best hugs and is just so sweet I wanna keep him in my pocket. I cant believe he has walked into my life with everything that's going on. The brave boy hehe.

I have now been given more sleeping pills just trying to brave the cold outside to go and get them as its pins and needles week.

I am getting bored of daytime T.V. but I can't really focus on much like reading as my mind wanders. I don't even know where it wanders to but it does and I loose the plot with book.

I just don't know whats going on anymore I am a walking conflict, I want one thing then contradict it by wanting something that's the opposite. The one thing I really don't want to become though is a statistic. I wanna live forever.

I mean I am in invincible I always have been. Guess that's why I am finding this so hard. This doesn't happen to me. Falling apart and not being in control. I always believed I was the boss and I was in control and now I have lost that. I am in fact, just lost and there's no map or tourist guide to help me.

I guess I will need to find my own path but, I don't know if I have the time to be looking.

The thought of today is,

If you where me what would you do?

peace love and time...

xxx

Blog No. 40.

Today I feel physically rough got those damn shakes and the nausea isn't exactly nice. I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown. I just cant cope with anymore waiting around for doctors at appointments, being in clinics, being restricted. Being ill. It's not what I or any one else deserves.

Its like why tell me I am dying and put me through all this pointless painful and emotional stress and hardship. I feel like just take me now then its over. It seems to get worse each time I go and wait for 2 hours to be seen for my 10 minute appointment and then to be told bad news.

I just want them to tell me something positive so I can have something to work on and push me through this but with being told the cancer will only go away for a while and my body's too young to fight it well I am not sad just disheartened.

Mainly that I am going through all this chemo which is horrible I cant describe to you how bad it is. Its just horrible. I am fed up with its like torture as it just goes on and on and seems like it will be never ending.

I don't want to be tortured anymore I want peace and to live. Is that really too much to ask?

am I being selfish asking for the basic liberty that you all mostly have. LIFE

Life is a gift and don't any of you forget that when u worry about a bill not being paid, having a hangover, an argument its so small as whats the worse that can happen? its not like not paying that bill, falling out with someone or being hungover is going to result in your death via the route of excruciating torture first.

My thought of the day is....

Live your life for you never know when it will be taken away from you

peace love and harmonising...

xx

Blog No. 39.

Sorry I haven't written for a couple of days its been due to my Internet being down and not me being lazy. I am currently in the hospital starting my third cycle. Today is the intravenous chemo. so four and a half hours of chemicals being pumped into my system. Not fun actually ita the worse part as you cant comfortable, it kind of hurts and its so boring.

I had my check up yesterday and was giving devastating news. They want to give my another 4 cycles of chemo straight after this that's an extra 12 weeks which would mean 30 weeks of chemo. And the longest the cancer will go away for is a year at the most. But more than likely a few months.

The more I have the chemo the more resistant my cancer will become as its genetic. I also have been given 2 to 3 years live. Mind blowing. The reason for this is is because I will stop chemo after these cycles as I cant live I am not living at the moment and the chemo won't give me that much longer anyways.

I feel its useless fighting a loosing battle and unhappy. Who wants to die unhappy certainly not me. I have 3 years to fit everything I want to do into my life. I want to bring people joy and don't want you to cry or be upset because I am at peace with my decision.

Weird eh?

Anyway I am being pumped full horrible chemicals and cant feel my right hand.

My though of the day?

Don't mourn the dead for they are still alive.

Peace love and more peace.

xx

Blog No. 38.

I cant believe a week has gone past since my club night. Weeks fly in days merge into one for me just now. I still have this abscess but its getting better and that's all that counts.

Today I am going for deep tissue massage as the Glasgow Physiotherapy Centre with a guy called Trevor.

I keep imagining him to be called big Trev on a night out. This is my first massage ever and its for an hour. Hopefully I will come out rejuvenated and relaxed.

Tonight I am also going for a good old knee's up mother brown. Looking forward to that as on Monday its back into hospital mode. Anyway I am not thinking of that just now I still have two days of freedom. Freedom and bliss apart from the mouth infection.

Its really annoyed me this mouth infection as I have had 2 weeks of pill popping and now on my week off have had to stuff myself full of antibiotics the swines.

anyways today's blog is short and sweet as I have loads to do

so today's thought...

Deep tissue massage mmmmmmm.....

peace love and rub downs

xx

Blog No. 37.

Thank god for anti-biotics. They have almost killed this damn mouth infection after day, and I don't feel like a Lion with a thorn in its paw. Quite a relief I tell thee. I am now out in the country for an overnight to give me wonderful sister some time to herself.

She's so amazing and has been looking after me so well. She always has. I just wish she didn't have to this isn't pleasant for me being ill but I couldn't imagine being in her shoes. Wondering whats going on with her little brother. But she's always there for me and knows exactly what to do and how to make me smile.

She is more than a sister she is my protector, my guardian, my life. I owe the universe to her and more and she doesn't realise how amazing she actually is. That's one of the things I love about her. I am so proud of her and always have been. She is my brightest star in all the galaxy's and the warmest sun in all the universe's.

One day I am going to do something truly amazing for her just so she knows how magnificent she is. Everything I do including this horrible chemo is for her she gives me the power and love I need to soldier on even when I want to quit there she is swinging her toes, fiddling her rings and giving me courage.

Claire I have all this love for you and will never be able to tell you or show you enough because its too huge to show or explain.

She is amazing and one day all her efforts and struggles will be eased and she will be truly shining more brightly than she is now, if that is even possible.

My thought of the day?

Don;t sweat the small stuff it means nothing as long as if you are alive, loved, and have food in your belly and somewhere to sleep, when you realise this you will be happy.

Peace love and sibling-hood!

xx

Blog No. 36.

OK so I am getting seriously annoyed with this toothache. I went to the dentist he squeezed some of the puss out, but its not as bad although still sore. I have antibiotics and I am annoyed that on my week off chemo and being controlled by pills I have to take antibiotics and feel miserable.

Fed up with the whole lot of it to be honest. I was so looking forward to being able to do something this weekend and now looks like I wont be able to. Fucking mouth. Pardon my french but I am seriously wound up.

I am just so bored of it all. I want it to end. But it just feels like its not going to especially as this could be how I live my life now. Not worth the hassle all this pain, fighting, infections. What kind of life is this.

I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy. It is a living nightmare and 3 months down the line I still keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare. But obviously its real and I won't.

So much of its frustrating even though I am still able to do a little in my life I am not able to fully live my life. You have no idea what its like to have everything you live for snatched away from you I am still grieving my old life.

You can probably tell I have woken up and got out of bed the wrong side. It's just toothache is the worse pain of all as it drags your whole being down and it's the worse thing I could have just now considering my whole system is already down.

I guess I will just have to take some more dihydrocodeine to cheer me up and relieve some pain

so today's thought...

uppers or downers??

peace love and toothache to you all

xx

Blog No. 35.

I am still not feeling 100% today. I am now on my week off chemo, but due to my immune system being down a have a very painful swelling in my top gum, either an abscess or just an infection. I have an emergency appointment at the dentist.

So I am hoping that this will be better tonight as I cant eat and haven't been able to brush my teeth. I have this before in the same place and the stage its at now usually takes a week or more to get that bad. So it shows you how amazing your functioning immune system actually is. This has basically only came out over night like BANG.

I hate toothache as it drags you down as its a real nuisance and drives you mad. Its the last thing I need just now. I knew that it would flare up and that I would have problems I just hope the dentist can fix it as I have to even be careful of going to the dentist, but my immune system will repair this week and I will be fine so I guess I am lucky in the respect I can go to the dentist.

I was supposed to go to my psychologist today but had to cancel the appointment due to the pain that I am in. I feel mentally fine so it's not a big issue.

I am so hungry and cant eat, I managed some soup and lets be honest it doesn't fill you up now does it. All these things that go on and are happening is enough to give me the boak.

I am going to sleep as today I am feeling very tired and quite shaky not the most pleasant feeling in the world.

My thought of the day...

bight the bullet

peace love and Novocaine for the soul

xx

Blog No. 34.

Well today's blog is a bit late, I have been exhausted all day and slept most of it. I have a mouth infection flaring up so will have to go and get anti-biotic's tomorrow. Today is also my last day of chemo for a week so will be feeling normal by the weekend.

I am really tired today and have been sick a lot. I got a brand new shiny iPhone today so that's cheered me up, but I need to take it back tomorrow as it wont let me do everything on it. So annoying I wanna play with it and I cant.

I am to tired to write anymore so will just leave you with my thought of the day,

Is vomiting through the nose a bad idea?

peace love and recovery.

xx

blog No. 33.

well I didn't do a blog yesterday I was too busy enjoying myself. Saturday night was absolutely amazing. I felt like my life was normal for a night and forgot about everything. Was amazing having everyone i know come along. Dancing on tables falling off them.

I got a bit messy (no surprise) but the night was absolutely amazing. And thank you to everyone for making it what it was. I play the music and you supply the love dancing and mayhem and made the night really what it was. I had the most amazing time. So thank you for it.

I ended up some mad tranny's party and I have never laughed so much in my life. Lyndsay you are to funny for your own good. Two people turned up and surprised me one from London, mark and the other Alex who travelled from inverness. It was the best surprise and I cant tell you what that meant to me you two doing that.

I got a bit emotional at the end as I wish my life was what it was and because I was so happy. Happy with all of you who came and happy that I got to do and be where I love.

I feel rough as hell today (Monday) but it has been worth it more than worth it.

I am still lifted from the night and that's just what I needed. amazing.

Thank you guys so much your all my stars.

my thought of the day is...

Dancing on tables or falling off them?

peace love and bruised knees.

xx

Blog No. 32.

So today is Saturday. I have my club night tonight. I am so excited I cant even begin to tell you. Looking forward to everything about seeing faces old and new. Playing music, dancing and just having fun.

The night is going to be majorly busy which is good for me and good for them too. I am going to spend my day doing nothing. I organised all my CD's last night so that something I don't have to do today. Thank goodness as I am gonna be stressed out doing nothing.

My friend Clara is coming over to mines to get ready after her work. Shes a total riot and good laugh. So looking forward to that and her big bank account way nae money in it haha (private joke).

I am taking my chemo early so that i can judge the side effects and get the tired feeling out the way. So next batch at 6 when I have my dinner.

So my plan of action for tonight is Clara, dinner, chemo, shower, make up, outfit out....

sounds like an easy day but it will all take up so much time. So until Clara arrives I will be doing nothing and will have a nap in the afternoon so that I am totally refreshed for tonight.

Anyway I have just wet myself with excitement so better go and change...

my thought of the day is...

dirty house or naughty electro?

peace love and misbehaving

xx

Blog No. 31.

Well today's blog is a bit late but i have been preoccupied having a really nice time. So better late than never.

My spirits are higher today as I am feeling better as my system is now tolerating the chemo. Still not amazing tho but my stomach seems to have calmed down, I am sleeping and feel like normal energy levels. I get tired quick like walking to the shop takes it out of me. But still an improvement.

Today I have made an appointment to go and have deep tissue massage. My back is in serious need of it especially as I am mainly lying about doing nothing. The good thing is it boost your immune system.

I am having it done next Saturday on my week off just in time for starting the next lot of chemo. So my immune system will be tip top.

I am currently organising and burning CD's for my club night tomorrow. Have a billion new tracks to sort out so I am going to be mega busy. You have no idea how excited I am about tomorrow.

DJ'ing is my life and tomorrow its going to be a night I will never forget. Everyone I know is coming and that means the world to me. I will probably be emotional at some points in the night but will be due to being happy and also sad that I cant do what I want when I want.

But the night is going to be amazing and so special. So if your coming I look forward to seeing you there and controlling your bodies with my beats.

I AM BACK IN MY SPIRITUAL HOME.

Anyway I am very busy so will leave you with my thought of the day...

Vanilla or chocolate????

peace love and ice cream

Blog No. 30.

Wow cant believe I have been doing this blog for 30 days. EVERY day. I am usually rubbish at keeping things like this up. Quite a surprise I have managed to get this far without stopping. I am starting to feel OK again now the intro-chemo is wearing off.

My immune system will be down just now so I need to be careful of colds and coughs. So staying in doors is a must until Saturday.

Yesterday my friend Loretta came to visit me and gave me information on cancer fighting foods that are natures chemo. And the prevent you from getting cancer. The best things are red fruits and veg's like red grapes, chilli's and tomato's. Garlic and dark chocolate is also good for killing cancer. So a trip to the supermarket will be in order to stock up on cancer killing foods.

It all makes for interesting reading and there's evidence that food shrinks tumours and can kill cancer cells so nothing to loose.

I think by the end of this I will be a walking chemist/doctor/hippy. I learn so much all the time when my head is clear enough to do so. But its not clear all the time and is always buzzing with info. There's so much to take in I have piles and piles of nooks, leaflets brochures on everything.

I have a nice visitor coming over tonight but its all private so not for your eyes. Looking forward to seeing him and watching hocus pocus awhhh hahaha boooook.

My body is like a broken boiler today. One minute cold next minute sweating its not a good look for me.

I got another box of sweets in the post from cousin Louise. She's a bit potty but she is my cousin so I will accept her with open arms (and sweets). Its sweets you used to get like sweet tobacco and golden nuggets gum and a wham bar OOOOoooo.

I love getting stuff in the post I am awaiting a parcel from America which i hope arrives for Saturday as my whole look revolves around it. I will be gutted if it don't come in time major gutted.

I am going to go as that box of sweets has shouted on me...

So my thought of the day is...

What would you do for my last rolo?

Peace love and sugar daddies

xx

Blog No. 29.

I don't feel as bad today as the last 2 days but its still early and I hope it doesn't change. I have the dodgy chemo tummy so taking lots of anti sickness and diarrhea pills. Wont go into to much detail about my stomach but its not pleasant. My energy levels are a bit higher today and typing doesn't feel like a marathon.

But none the less I am still feeling drained and sick. But just not as bad. I have less than a week of this round med's left so I am more than half way through this cycle. Once I complete this cycle I will be 1/3 through this load of treatment. Sounds like a milestone but i still have 2/3's left to do.

Once I start the next cycle in 2 weeks I will be on my half way through, cycle which is when I will be really pushing through this. As I can see me getting to the end. Well what could be the end for now. I just hope that I get a break at the end of this as I don't think I could do much more.

As you can tell I am slightly sick and therefor slightly down. I am quite demotivated with it all. But give me next week when I am off and I will be OK until I have to start it all over again.

The thing that's starting to grab me is jade goody. We all made fun of her. Now I find myself in her shoes. It nearly a year since her death and I look at her life and I wonder if that's whats going to happen to me. I am not trying to jump on her band wagon but its scary this disease. And she is proof of how terrible it all is.

She like me didn't know she was ill and it was too late. I am too late to get fully better and I know its going to kill me. I just don't know, when but she at least had an idea.

I think of all the things I want to do and I don't know if there's any point doing them as what is the point in things, stuff places people. we are nothing but vessels seeking something out only yo never find it. Maybe the ones who don't seek are truly happy. But then we all seek something need it be happiness, love money or enlightenment.

I am never truly satisfied and now know I for one never will be.

My thought for the day...

Should we keep chasing?

peace love and races.

xx

Blog No. 28.

Another day of nothing. Glad I have this club night to do on Saturday. Something to physically look forward to. I have the total chemo exhaustion. All I want is a shower and I cant get the energy to do it. Not one bit of life about me today at all. Such a struggle to do nothing just now.

I don't care how tired I am or if I am sick Saturday is going to be amazing. It has to be. I will put on my performers face and smile and force out a dance. Funny how simple everything can seem when its all so complicated. I found my simpler life complicated when I knew what I was and was able to do.

Funny how that now I don't know whats going on its all the simple things I notice. Maybe I am now just a simple boy I don't know.

I am still trying to find the drive to get washed. Its hard to describe to you this feeling of no energy. It's not like when your tired you would sleep. Its not that kind of tired at all. Mentally awake but your body's still in bed kind of thing.

It gets frustrating being tired. Being crabby and snappy. Not realising your being like a lion with toothache. Getting wound up at yourself more so than at others. So if any of you get in my way OOPS ha ha.

I think today will just be another blank day of daytime T.V. picking at food, maybe washing, and pill popping. See simple.

I am starting to feel quite breathless again usually happens with all this nothing I do. I excerpt myself and get puffed out. I am only typing and I feel like I have done an hours exercise. In fact I think its took me that long to type this much.

I am going to go now and try to cleanse myself and shave as I am getting annoyed and smelly...

my thought of the day is...

dry clean only or drip dry?

peace love and suds

xxx

Blog No. 27.

So today I have woken up at 2 in the afternoon. I feel like hell today. I have zero energy and been feeling very nauseous. Here was me starting think maybe this time I could get away with it. That this time I would be fine. Obviously not.

I knew that today would be the day I would start feeling "sick" for some reason I knew it.

Glad I managed a few days feeling OK tho. Also happy I managed to do some things nice at the weekend.

I hope I don't feel too sick for too long as I have the return of my club night on Saturday. Its going to be major and so I will have to be too. I really don't have the energy today to write this blog so I am not going to bother writing anymore I just want so sleep.

See as I said yesterday, one day at a time and on this day I want to sleep...

My thought for the day is...

If you could sleep through life would you?

peace love and dreams

xx

Blog No. 26.

Well a busy wee day I had yesterday. I met up with some amazing faces from London and had a good old laugh for a few hours in town. Was soo nice to kind of have that little feeling of home again. I really miss the place.

I had to buy earphones for my next DJ gig and bumped into a friend I have not seen for years. We went had a drink and my plan was to go out for drinks with people from London. I ended up getting a bit drunk early on in the day so didn't make it onto to going out. I only had 3 drinks and was sloshed. I mean how cheap have I become these days. Three drinks and I'll be under table.

I am quite gutted I didn't make it out last night and today I feel really tired and quite terrible, exhausted. Maybe I pushed myself to far yesterday, but do you know what? If I didn't what else am I going to do? I am starting to learn the true value of the saying, take each day as it comes.

It's becoming a life lesson for me taking each day as I never know what the next will hold for me, its a hard concept to truly grasp hold of but I am having to. So when I feel like I can do something I am going to do it. I guess it's the small bits I can do that are going to get me through the next few months.

I wish it was all over and I could have a normal life again. Normal to me, no restraints, being free and not having to think about the deep dark psychology of life and the stuff that surrounds it before and after.

It bothers me that I will no longer be anywhere near as free as what I was. I feel like I am becoming a creature of control and comfort. Here do this... sure great.... is how my life seems to be moving these days.

I just want to be me again and not be lost anymore I am trying to find my way but don't where I am trying to find it too...

I guess one day at a time is all I can expect out of life at the moment and that is what I am going to have to abide by.

So my thought of the day is...

Be free and just do it no matter what it is for life and time may pass you by and you could have done nothing at all.

peace love and today

xx

Blog No. 25. thought for the day oops i forgot

I wrote my thought for the day and it hasn't displayed it so here it is if you can't see it

Guess the dolly's birthday???

peace love and no resistance

Blog No. 25.

So today is Saturday and after having the most delightful night with Chris, I feel happy relaxed and he gave me the best form of medicine, affection. I am a cat by nature so I lapped up his hugs and attention. Some things didn't go to plan but the night but I wouldn't have changed it.

He has now vanished to go to work. And now I have a few hours to myself, downloaded a million new tracks so having a good old comb through with my ears. One is called Lipstick by Sandra Flynn ft Avril Paul. It has a real sexy house groove, and there talking about being pimped. NICE.

I now need to plan my day as have visitors up from London I need to see. I really want to go outside, But I don't now if I can with the pins and needles I get with cold which will last a few more days. I am going to try going to the shop and see if I am OK and can decide then.

Its so frustrating as physically I am feeling fine but I still have all these restrictions on myself, and I am no way used to that. I like being free and my instincts still need to change to cancer cold mode. I keep forgetting and touch a tap or walk on floor without slippers and this pins and needles stabs me, like knives.

I am going to go and get ready as I have a whole load of pills and whole load of stuff to do...

but

just for today i will be agreeable. I will look as well as i can, dress like a freak, talk low, act courteously, criticise not on bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a programme, I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.

so my thought of the day is...

Whats the dolly's birthday???

peace love and no resistance

xx

Blog No. 24.

So as I am watching Jeremy kyle's cocaine special I am writing this with the shakes of an addict.

I am so excited for this weekend. I have friends and visitors and I don't care how much I need to force myself I am seeing them.

I am still a lot better than last time, I am sleeping which I think is making the difference. I just have the shakes a lot and the cold and temp. change between rooms is a pain in the neck. But I have stuff look forward to and I am going to do as much as I feel I am fit too. I know what I can and can't do this time.

It's all a learning process. I am still learning and adjusting, especially after having the week off treatment and getting back to normal, my instincts return to normal like touching cold stuff.

Ooft heavy no no.

I still hate being locked away and wish I could just go out and do things. Its so hard not being able to get out and about. I have no sense of my freedom anymore, I am a prisoner of myself.

Its OK though as I have thing to look forward to this time and I kind of know what to expect with side effects etc...

I will still get sick as each day the chemotherapy attacks our body's cells. I feel its the chemo that drags my mind down as I loose myself in whats going on inside my mind and my life.

I am still mentally more upbeat than a few days ago, all my decisions and wishes are made for my life and I have accepted them and I am at peace with what may happen.

Just for today i will try to strengthen my mind. I will study, I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I Will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do- just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings hurt, as they may be hurt but today I will not show it.

My thought of the day is

If just for one day what you be or do?

Peace love and las vegas.

PS if you comment on blogs please do on most recent entry as I don't get notified of comments and have too many entries to check now thanks.

xxxx

Blog No. 23.

well what can I say. I am still feeling fine. I am really surprised. The last time I was at this stage I couldn't do anything on my own. I am now feeling a bit more independent. Maybe I have found my strength again. There is a lot of I stuff I have to accept about like never getting better, but I now feel like I am not going to curl up , but instead live what I have left of my life no matter how long or short that is.

I have been getting re-united with old friends all the time and its nice. But being annoyed by too many people I don't know trying to offer me help like do stuff for me. I REALLY appreciate the thoughts but I am constantly barraged. None the less I love that your thinking of me.

Today I have my cousin Lisa coming to visit me, we are the same age and were so close. She now has a baby and is married and I can't wait to meet the little munchkin.

I am starting to get more positive mainly because I don't feel as ill as the last time. This doesn't mean I have changed my wishes about stopping treatment if I feel its not worth it. I have an amazing weekend to look forward to. Friends up from London and a friend visiting me tomorrow.

I still get the pins and needles and shakes so back on top of the washing machine it is to counter act them so I can type. I have my heat pads on stand by though, but I am missing the air on my face.

My grandfather is still in hospital and wish so much I could visit him. But I don't think I could face seeing him sick. And I cant risk infections as my immune system isn't strong enough to fight back.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up there minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it.

My thought for today...

what you going to do to be happy?

Peace love and Pat Ferrari

x

Blog No. 22.

I have been struggling the past few days with everything. When off the chemo I feel so normal, like I am fit and healthy. My cancer still has no symptoms and it freaks me how seriously ill I am without feeling ill.

I almost refused the chemo yesterday but forced myself through it. As you got the love I need to see me through.

I had my drip chemo yesterday and now about to start on the tablets. I have a nice weekend to look forward with London visitors and an old friend coming to visit.

i feel so much better compared to last time i had it. the drip chemo gives off stronger side effects than the tablets but its only day one so will have to see, as it all may change.

I have to get re-used to all the control over my life that I need to follow. I have bad pins and needles in my hands and feet but have these magic pads I soak in boiling water and the heat takes it away.

I know my blog yesterday was dark an bleak but people I love need to know these things.

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

so my thought of the day....

Just for today what are you going to do?

Peace love and one day at a time

xxx

blog No. 21.

I though i would write today's entry a bit earlier today. I have completed my first cycle of chemo. Today I start my second. I had to go into the clinic for a check up. I found out that the chemo could be an ongoing thing. I don't want that and have made the decision to only do a maximum of two courses.

I feel like I am already dead as I don't have my life. If I didn't have to be alive for other people I would stop. I cant tell you how horrible it all is. I have to think about arrangements for my funeral as I don't know how long I have left and it has to be my kind of funeral. Nothing religious and no black clothing. I want it to be fun and loud. That's me as a person and I want it to be celebration not a mourning that can be done in private. I have been forced to think about these things.

Such a strange feeling knowing how you are going to die. I do and its not best. The reason I have decided to have to doses of chemo is because without I feel fine. I am in n pain nothing. I would rather have a quality of life rather than prolonged horrid existence.

I have my intravenous chemo today the one that makes me ill for about a week. Tonight I know I am going to feel like s**t. Its horrible and I feel like I no longer have it in me. The reason I put those lyrics up is because its whats getting me go on. Kind of like being cheered on at a 100m race at sports day.

After today I shall need 24hr care attention which I hate as I am a normally a private person who needs alone time. I not had any of that for such a long time. I really want to go away on holiday after this. I hope I will be able too.

Travel insurance can cost upto 500 pounds for me now that I am sick. Robbing bas*ards. Everything has changed now I have this and it was the weekend of my life that rubbed it in as today I am back into the grind of it all. It honestly feels like a job in a way a very stressful job.

I feel like nothing is going to change again. I have something to look forward this week. Seeing someone who i have not seen for such a long time. Cant wait to so him.

I have got in touch with a psychic who is amazing. She told my friend who I haven't spoken to for 5 years that someone male who's name begins with P needs to watch his bowel. When we got in touch and got chatting about it all he told me about it and he couldn't believe it ALL.

She has a years waiting list and that's how long he had to wait but she is coming to see me in April and told me everything will be OK and she knows I am ill. I told her nothing and that she was expecting my call.

Everything is all over and I am been driven up the wall by it all but my mind is made up on what I want and I cant do this forever as I will fall into a million pieces.

I am going to have to go as need to sort a lot of stuff out this morning.

So my thought of the day is...

jeremy kyle or trisha goddard?

peace love and falling apart

xxx

Blog No. 20.

You make this is lazy but its what Is in my head today. My mantra.

Sometimes I feel like
Throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying
Lord I just don't care
But you've got the love I need
To see me through

Sometimes it seems that
The going is just too rough
And things go wrong
No matter what I do
Now and then I feel
That life is just too much
But you've got the love
I need to see me through

When food is gone
You are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know
My saviour's love is real
Your love is real

Every once in a while
I say Lord I can't go on
Every once in a while
I get to feeling blue
Every once in a while
it seems like I am all alone
But you got the love
I need to see me through

Occasionally
my thoughts are brave and friends are few
Occasionally
I cry out Lord what must I do
Occasionally
I call up Master make me new
You've got the love
I need to see me through

Sometimes I feel like
Throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying
Lord I just don't care
But you've got the love I need
To see me through

todays thought....

I got the LOVE

peace love and loving