Blog No. 64.

So for the past few days I have been having these real bad stomach cramps, which is normal but the pain is almost making me cry. I imagine it's like contractions in birth as it is so bad. I have been put onto pure dihydrocodeine today by the doctor which is a slow release version so only need to take two to three in a day.

The sleeping pills seem a bit old school and the side effects sound hilarious. Like sleep walking, Sleep eating (which I already have been known to do), sleep driving (I don't drive or have a car thank God), Sleep sex (Chris watch out), memory and confusion problems in one out of ten people.

They sound fun so I guess people of Glasgow if you see me tonight in a zombified state having sex and baking cakes, don't worry I didn't mean it and please don't wake me up.

Hopefully I will get a decent nights sleep, which I am so looking forward to. I always do. When I get new sleeping pills it's like Christmas will they work won't they work, what they going to feel like working. Oh and to cure your curiosity they are called zolpidem. Only thing is with the painkillers and sleeping pills I have to avoid alcohol.

Especially with the sleeping pills in case I stop breathing, or don't wake up for three days. so no alcohol for me and on my week off chemo too. But kind of glad as I am wanting a relaxed weekend. Going to Book our cruise tomorrow which is exciting.

Even though it's going to be October when we go it still gives me something to look forward to. I can't wait it will be so worth the wait. A week of fun and sun in the Mediterranean with the people I love.

I think these painkillers are kicking in as I am feeling a bit groggy and confused and Don't wanna make to much of a plonker of myself.

So the thought of the day is...

Will I actually get into mischief with these new pills?

Peace, love and doing the dirty in your sleep.

xxx

Blog No. 63.

Sorry yesterdays blog wasn't amazing but I wasn't feeling amazing. I have ran out of sleeping pills and not slept properly for about a week. It really effects me as I do love my sleep. I miss being able to sleep naturally. I used to take pills called melatonin. Which if you research into them reduce the ageing process, help with menopause, cancer, immune system and many other benefits. Melatonin is the hormone your Brain produces to send you to sleep.

You used to be able to buy in Holland and Barret here until it got taken off the shelves but is available in the USA over the counter therefor it's available on eBay and very cheap too. I have taking them before as sleeping pills and they work, so I believe in there health benefits as well as there sleeping power.

I been having bad stomach cramps the past few days, round the area where the tumour is. Not been too pleasant the past few days, I feel better than I did the last few days, thank God. But still never feel amazing. I am now on my first day of no chemo until next Tuesday. So a few days of my body repairing then I will feel fine then BANG straight back into the routine.

I only have 2 more cycles around 7 weeks left until I hopefully get a bit of a break from it all. I can't wait to have this break I don't know how long I will have but even a month without being controlled by appointments, chemo, planning when I feel good to do something, which is usually spur of the moment as I can't say on this day I will feel like this...

I wish I could say when I will be feeling what and when I am going to be feeling it. But c'est la vie. It's all in the hands of the God's as they say.

I better go and eat something now I have a bit of an appetite.

So the thought of the day is...

Mel and Kim or melatonin?

peace love and deep deep sleep...

xx

Blog No. 62.

So Saturday was big jokes I had an absolute ball. And hope everyone else did too.

I been feeling quite sick the past few days there's been a bug going round and I am worried I may have caught it as I know it will practically destroy me. We will wait and see what happens.

I am now off chemo for a week and have two more cycles to go before I get some sort of a break. We are still looking into booking or cruise and may go in October on the same ship we did as last time, Royal Caribbean all the way. Its a Mediterranean cruise so means I wouldn't have to fly for long either. I just want a break now :-( starting to get the fed feeling coming over me again. I guess I should go sorry it's a bit short and sweet but I feel like hell.

The thought of today is...

Don't think just do...

peace love and love bugs

xx

Blog No. 61.

So I am currently at Chris's parents house while he preens himself for tonight's shenanigans. I so can't wait for my night tonight, have my new decks to play with and some new sounds to experiment with. All in all an exciting day.

Went into town to book my cruise, well price so we're currently at 865 per person, lets see how much we finally get for before we book it next week. It's with celebrity cruises 5* liners they look amazing and will be so relaxing. We are not planning to go until the 18th September and it's a Mediterranean cruise so weather with still be nice and warm.

I have so much to do today like sort out music, burn CD's and plan my look for this evening.

So I guess I better go and get on with it.

The thought of the day is....

If God is a DJ does that mean I am God?

Peace love and busy bee's

xxx

Blog No. 60.

So where to begin, I had my psychic night last night and it was amazing. Hard to describe the way she gives you a reading, it's like talking to an old friend who knows you, she doesn't really go in any particular order and so you get one bit of info, then more about something else then she comes back. She even impersonates the people to a total tee alive or dead when she speaking about them.

She told me all about my illness and knew where I feel pain and that I go to the toilet more often and that the cancer had spread. She had strong vibes of music about me and seen me as a DJ. She said that's when I truly come alive and shine, I kind of act while I DJ. She also See's me going back into fashion in a year or two with someone with a fat cheque, we'll see about that.

She knew everything about how I used to live my life, my old diet exactly what I ate. She even spoke about my relationship with Chris and said he was sent to me and I have gotten better since meeting him, which I have. She also knew that had been talking about going to Brighton for a weekend and that we are soul mates. She also said I could choke him at times which is true as he always runs late and it drives me mad.

That's all I am really going to say other than it was amazing and if your in Scotland and want her contact number E-mail me pnich250583@hotmail.com or facebook me if your on my facebook.

She told Chris pretty much the same about us two and my friend Rosie's reading was all true too.

It really zapped your energy and I fell asleep for the first time in an age without sleeping pills last night and had a real deep nice sleep.

I have my club night tomorrow and can't wait to come alive again.

Today I am feeling really good and positive apart from my sore head.

So the thought for today is...

Fresh peas or frozen?

Peace, Love and Eve

xx

Blog No. 59.

So today is the day of all days. I have my psychic night tonight really looking forward to it. And since yesterdays reiki I feel amazing. This stuff really works. Cant wit for tonight as Rosie gets to meet my boyfriend Chris which is exciting and then the readings.

I also came up with the theme for my birthday party in a month from nows time, ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD" I want joan and jackie collins glamour twisted with ghetto chic bling. Total wow factor is what I am looking for and can't wait for it as I need this birthday to be amazing as I don't know what will happen next year.

I am celebrating my birthday early as I get my last dose of chemo on the day of my birthday before I get my break.

I have to totally tidy this flat up for tonight and shower and look nice. I am really looking forward to meeting the psychic she said she is really tall and she is an older woman. She sounds really interesting on the phone and I still don't have a sore back how amazing's that.

So today I have a good day and will tomorrow with Chris as he staying over. Then on Saturday is my club night which I am so excited for as I have my new decks and get to use them for the first time and will be able to DJ the way I know I can and by that I mean good.

The night will be mayhem which I love watching and joining in on I come alive again when I DJ as music is my soul, my life and my disease. It fixes me from opera, to metal, to uplifting house and even pounding dirty electro. It all moves me in ways I cant describe.

I guess I should go and tidy up and shower and all that crap.

So the the thought of the day is...

psychic or psycho?

Peace Love and channelling

xxx

Blog No. 58.

So I have been spending the day with Garry starmanny with the star before he jets off back to London this evening. We have had a total ball while he has been here and today we are just being chilled watching trashy TV. A very nice and sweet friend came over and gave the both of us reiki and WOW go get it off someone (as long as if they know what they are doing).

Its such a relief and the feelings of my chemo seem to have evaporated. It's hard to describe what it feels like, it's just energy flowing through your body and you feel where the energy is its so hard to describe. But I feel OK now and so does he.

She knew exactly where my tumour was and where i have pins in my hip and that I have a bad knee. weird.

I am so excited about the piece The Guardian are doing on blog and wish it was now that it was now the piece was done. But patience is a virtue.

I am going to back and spend time with my friend Garry as we only have a couple of hours left before he goes back to the big smoke.

The thought for the day is...

Reiki me up before you go go

Peace, Love and at one with the universe

xx

Blog No. 57.

I know I not written for a few days but I been catching up with two of my friends one whom has been travelling the world for nine months and the other who is up from London. The show went on on Saturday night. It was fun I had a ball even when I had to finish early due to a technical fault, but in all was a great night.

Been spending loads of time with my friends this weekend and my beau. Can't tell you how nice it is to have the people I have in my life I am truly lucky and blessed. We chatted drank wine listened to music and watched DVD's.

This morning I checked my E-mail's and The Guardian newspaper have gotten in touch to do a piece about me and my blog in the next week or two. I am so happy at this. Finally I can maybe get some sort of message out to even more people and I feel honoured that they have decided on me.

As for how I am feeling well the chemo has definitely started to kick in. I feel so tired and lethargic. Vomiting less but feels more harsh how nice. I have my club night on Saturday but I will be feeling fine by then. I was supposed to see my psychic on Sunday evening, but she had to cancel as had an emergency but she was on the phone to me for about 20 minutes and told some interesting stuff

She said I can feel your back pain and then she took it away, this was Friday when she rang and my back hasn't been sore since. I am so looking forward to meeting her on Thursday will be an experience at least.

I am going to go just now as I have to take today's first dose of chemo. Happy days

So my thought of the day is...

What would you do if you found weasels under your bed?

Peace Love and Happy Days (i used to love that show)

xx

Blog No. 56.

I can not thank and believe how many reads I have had on my blog over 11,300. Absolutely amazing and thank you for reading. I mainly do it as i type what flows into my head and read a week behind so I can look back and see how I felt and what differences I have. I also want raise awareness, get yourself checked out even if no history in your family.

I had no symptoms for five years, and look at me now. Get yourself checked just do it better to get it caught early rather than be in the position of waiting your death. I want to go on TV and talk about this as men in general ignore there health. I had piles from straining on the loo so much which is a sign of bowel cancer, but can be simple enough to just be piles.

I am upbeat today as have a gig tomorrow and no matter how rough I am I will do it, The show must go on. I love that phrase at its true. I can not wait for tomorrow, it's a bar gig so an early one 8-12 which means if I am rough I don't have to be out late.

Chris is spending a few days with me I love him being here he really makes me forget but I wasn't much company last night as was very sick and tired but he held me and looked after me, and he is such an amazing guy I can't tell you.

I hope my new decks arrive today, damn couriers I need them for tomorrow as I want to do an amazing job with my set. I see decks as instruments not merely a way of playing music. They are the same one's i used to have which I used to death but they have built in sound effects and you can digitally scratch as they are CD decks and do some amazing stuff with them.

Today I am just nauseous feeling but the anti sickness are helping me with that. I had a good nights sleep and awoke to an amazing gift from julienne (from fabric) A whole collection of there CD's and fabric ice cube tray and fabric's oven glove. I am in heaven and I love you so so much salope I really really do.

So I Guess I better go as have about 20 CD's to work through and will keep me lifted for months.

So the thought of the day is...

I LOVE JULIENNE BISOUS BISOUS

Peace Love and Chateaux Madame

xx

Blog No. 55.

Today I feel so sick. I woke up with vomit all down my front lucky I didn't choke in my sleep. However Chris (my boy) is on his way over and has the missing cable for a massage chair he gave me so at last I can relieve my back. Its so sore from not being able to do much and pain killers are no longer helping it. I had deep tissue massage a few weeks ago and i felt great for a week.

I will have another one done once my money isn't so tight. Having this illness is quite expensive, with the food I need to eat, extra heating costs, private treatments and the things I save and buy to make me feel better. I do deserve stuff so donations welcome haha.

I hope this sickness goes away by tomorrow I am fed up with it and today feel quite exhausted. Now listening to music to see if it lifts me like yesterday. I did earlier on and had a dance on my bed and maybe that's whats tired me out I don't know.

One of my closest friends or brother as he is to me is up from London he is from Glasgow originally and I can't wait to see him. He is coming to my psychic night on Sunday I am mega looking forward to it. I got to skip the years waiting list as she knew I was ill, freaky eh? More on that in the following days.

I shall go just now as still have a bit of tidying up to do which if I wasn't sick would take five minutes but will take me forty five.

So the thought of the day is...

If you could pick someone as an extra brother or sister who would it be and why?

Peace Love and Visitations.

xxx

Blog No. 54.

Well yesterday the chemo hit me like a brick. I still felt rubbish until i started to listening to music, now I am dancing in my bed. Like I have caught a bug. Music is my life I guess and without it I am nothing. Love how it's lifted me in an instant. Like a drug.

I have ran out of fags and to scared to go to the shop as I am on cold avoiding duties and the pins and needles are really putting me off. But I went and managed It. I am smoking so much just now, but it's my only vice that and sex.

I think this cycle of chemo is really gonna hit me hard. I feel really rough already, slightly better after the music listening but not a 100%.

I been thinking about my funeral and truly meant what i said a few blogs back except the webcam. I want to put the fun into funeral. a FUN-ERAL. I know people may think it's daft but I want to be celebrated not mourned. I lived life to the full and want to go out with a bang.

Today I am looking forward to seeing my boyfriend tomorrow and getting my new decks tomorrow. My beautiful froggy friend who works for the club fabric (high up you know) she helps with running is sending me a collection of there cd's today cant wait more presents and music.

Julienne is the most amazing salope (french for bitch) that has entered my joyous life. She has taught me things you can't imagine and been a sprit in disguise. LA NUIT julienne LA FUCKING NUIT. J'adore vous mon salope bisous bisous.

OK I am going to go and listen to some music and lift myself.

So the thought of the day is...

Let the music flow into your body and lift your soul for it's the medicine of life.

Peace, Love and MUSIC IS DISEASE

xx

Blog No. 53.

First of all I shall talk about my appointment today. I didn't get the full results as the radiologist hadn't passed over the original CD ROM of my first scan. But he compared the notes. The cancer and tumour haven't shrunk, but remain the same. Not any worse but not any better. It was a bit of an anti climax but my colitis has gone, my bowel has gone back to it's normal size and the swelling and fluid from my liver has gone.

Basically my bits and bobs look normal. I was also told for sure the my life expectancy is between two to five years. So I now know I wont grow old and will save a fortune on face lifts. I genuinely don't feel sad about this as those of you who know me know I have lived a very full and fulfilling life. Just saddens me I will leave you all behind.

I want a fun funeral, know black and know hymns. I am not religious so don't want a run of the mill funeral. I want sparkle and glitter and indoor fire works. I want my music in my bin bag or coffin and vodka, sailor Jerry rum and Jack Daniels and want a leopard print coffin with a webcam.

Now to change the subject I had the night of stress from hell, which thankfully I can now laugh at. It's almost a sitcom situation. My sister and her boyfriend rolled in from the pub after a whole day alcohol drinking and cigarette smoking. That's usually annoying when your sobre, drunk people I mean. But the night before the most stressful day of my life I was raging.

They had witnessed a typical quiet fight in the pub involving bottles and knives and the police had locked down the pub. So had to listen to them rant loudly about it and I was ready to stab them myself. Then the fiasco happened. Claire's (my sister) boyfriend wanted to lock the flat door to feel safe and used my key. There's two locks on the door and we only use the top one which is what I have the key for, but he managed to use it to lock the bottom one which I have no idea how he managed to do so.

The door would not unlock as Claire's keys where in her bag which was in her boyfriends flat. I was freaking out at this point. We only have windows which open at the top and there narrow. The lock wouldn't unlock no matter what we done.

Steven (the B.F.) managed to undo the window in the bathroom and squeeze out. Still no idea how he fitted and went and got Claire's keys out his flat that crisis was over. But I told Claire I couldn't believe that she got drunk when I had such an important day. And she went crazy as drunk girls do we argued, but being Bro. and Sis. it's expecting from time to time and we always only fall out for five minutes.

I was so angry last night then my sleeping pills kicked in. And this morning we laughed so much about the nonsense the night before. It seems far fetched and if I wasn't there I wouldn't believe it But now it's funny and I something to hold over her head and cast up when I want something so it was worth it.

Today I bought new shoes there pure nice.

So my thought of the day is...

If you could lock someone in a cupboard who would it be and what would you do to them?

Peace, Love and two rotten hangovers (not mine)

xx

Blog No. 52.

So yes I know I didn't do a blog yesterday but i had this overwhelming feeling of can't be botheredness. Kinda happens to me quite a lot but usually I just get on with it but I was conserving my energy as Freddy and Rosie (who are bro. and sis.) where coming to visit me to watch Priscilla Queen of the Dessert.

Such fun and nice to have a wee dvd night. I love those two they have a relationship like me and my sister, as there just as close which is lovely to see. The two of them are little rays of sunshine in my life and I love them loads and loads.

So tomorrow I get the results of my C.T. scan and I keep getting feelings of real fear. I keep expecting more bad news as haven't had any good news with every visit I have had to the Beatson. I don't how I would cope with bad news.

I have been trying not think about it but the stress has developed in other ways such as my stress stutter and nightmares. Can't handle either of these for much longer. The stutter is making me really self conscious a feeling I haven't had since secondary school. Strange how these things are sub-consciously there and you may not feel it but it shows on you.

I don't really feel stressed emotionally but I know I have been showing it with the stutter, nightmares and the odd snap every now and again. I have no idea what tomorrows outcome will be but please send me all your positive energy, prayers and think of me tomorrow at 1.30 thats when my appointment is. I will update my blog tomorrow when I get home so you know the results.

I can be in the clinic for a few hours so it maybe later on when I update. As tomorrow is the day I have my weight, bloods and side effects looked at. So they know my dosage for tuesday when I next get my intravenous chemo. Doesn't feel long enough the week off especially as had my scan Wednesday, psychologist on Thursday and still not fully got my energy this time round. Then boom Straight back into chemo mode tomorrow.

So the thought of the day is,

Well keep it for tomorrow and it's ME I need your energy.

Peace, Love and ME.

xxx

Blog No. 51.

At last, I feel almost alive well really good for me. All systems are go. I was feeling really tired yesterday don't know why as I was doing ok on that front for a day or two. But hadn't slept well as had nightmares before my scan and kept waking up with sweats and crying, but can't actually remember what I was dreaming about.

I now have lovely blue steel coloured hair. I love it it's like alien hair. Courtesy of my lover bless him. He also cut my sisters hair and its stunning. He's come in right handy, for lots of things and is just a really sweet beautiful person who I could spend so much time with. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh and make him watch camp movies. Such as Hairspray (the original), Showgirls (one of my all time favourites), Hocus Pocus and so much more.

I am currently making cottage pie for dinner, check me out, but don't really its a ready made meal. I can cook when I put my mind to it. But I just choose not too.

Anyway since I am feeling good I am going to go do something, don't know what but something. So I shall go and enjoy this feeling, such a good feeling of total ecstasy, Love that tune and yes I do wanna marry it.

So my thought of the day...

Cottage Pie or Shepherds Pie?

Peace, Love and Pies

xxx

Blog No. 50.

So today I had an appointment with my psychologist. Not the most fun day drudging things out realising what I really feel and how lost I actually am. Not knowing where to turn or what direction i need to go in. It's real overwhelming at times. I live a non-existent existence. At times I get to exist but not enough.

I have lots of underlying stress which is coming out in funny ways, I have developed a nervous type of stutter which I find really embarrassing and my throat keeps clicking. It could be due to the medication I am on but the psychologist says it's down to stress. I find it so weird and when it gets worse when I get stressed or nervous or think about it. Funny how these things can effect you isn't it?

I have no and I mean no energy today either. So much for my week off. I am full of stutters and no energy and had most of it filled up with appointments. At least the boy is coming over that will cheer me up and I may meet up with some friends if I can find the energy.

Last night my amazing star of a friend Fredward came to visit me, he's up from London for a wee visit while he's off studying. I am so proud of him as he is truly following his dream and is going to be a force to be reckoned with in the fashion world. He is a star and he doesn't know how much he means to me truly ONE of the massive inspirations in my life. LOVE you ya wee swine.

so my thought of the day is...

P P P P Pick up a P P P P Penguin...

peace love and chocolate biscuits.

xxx

Blog No. 49.

YES I am fine, I just been having time to myself, I know I ended up in hospital over the weekend with excruciating pain, and got pumped full of morphine, but its to be expected that I get pains as I am sick. So no more "are you OK?" messages please folks if I'm not you will know I am not.

Anyways, on Thursday I went out as had a blast of energy and had an absolute ball and was very messy, sorry art school but yes I am back. Then I was ill from the night out most of Friday. On Friday evening the pain started, I put it down to the night out then it got progressively worse. I phoned the beatson (cancer clinic) and they said it was nothing to with the night out and get to A and E.

I thought great it's 4am on Saturday morning bank holiday weekend, but my sister took me and I was seen straight away. The staff where amazing, but the crap they have to put up with is ridiculous. Don't know how many arrests where made. These people are doing there job HELPING people and they dish out abuse and refuse treatment. It really annoyed me, until the morphine kicked in.

I got out on Saturday afternoon and was fine, the pain came back slightly on Sunday but was OK.

The boy came over Saturday and he left today (wed) He is a very nice form of medicine. He is making me a happy bunny just now and that's all I really want to say, I took him to meet my family on Easter Sunday and they loved him. Bless.

Anyway I am going to eat as I had to fast for 14 hours and I have ti make up for lost time.

Though for the day?

What would you have as your last meal?

Peace Love and Roast dinners...

xxx

Blog No. 48.

Yes at last I am feeling alive, I thought I would go mental if I woke up today and still felt the same way. Still have the shakes and chemo belly but to feel like I have energy has cheered me up no end.

I don't feel like I am not tired but I feel as good as I can get. Like I have been released. It has made my mood a bit higher too. I can now soldier through this weeks bit of chemo then get this scan and hopefully if the chemo has done anything it will make me go go go.

I am having a day of listening to music trying to find inspiration to make me get on with my own.

Its hard though as I still can't focus maybe I have ADHD caused by canker? I don't know but maybe I have something. Mind you I think canker (what I now call cancer not a spelling mistake) is enough for now.

I am going to go and take it breasy.

Thought of the day....

Wur ye aye?

peace love and night nurse

xx