music is disease

Paul Signing Off

2010-08-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

Paul passed away on Sunday evening in the most courageous beautiful way. Hes now resting with the angels and will suffer no more. It makes his family so proud to know the impact this blog has had on others and gave Paul great solace throughout his illness. Thankyou to everyone who has followed his story, he will be laid to rest on Thursday 2nd September amidst a blaze of purple and the biggest party he has ever been to. The Funeral will take place at 1.30pm within St.Simon Church Partick Cross Glasgow, all are welcome to attend and say goodbye to an angel.

Peace, Love and everylasting life.

Blog No. 83.

2010-08-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

As you may well have known I was off to that London for a visit for a few days. What an amazing time I had. As soon as I got off the train it was botox and lip filling time, so I went to the amazing Teena Williams. What a woman she gave me a very generous discount and instead of keeping the money for herself gave me a cheque to post written out to to marie curie, fir the amount I paid.

Such an act of generosity made me cry, right in her office. What an amazing job she's done face almost non moving and lips so luscious you could kiss them in the mirror for hours. I still cant get over the act of kindness she did, it will be remembered for a long time to come and again I would like to thank her, so thank you Teena Williams. If anyone in London needs work done get in touch and I will give you her contact info.

So second day was spent with slightly bruised lips, but they looked amazing. We (me and Garry) went to my old shop I worked in. Year Zero where I got lots of the best clothes and free gifts to wear, which I cant also say thank you enough for so thank you guys.

Tatum and Rocky from the shop also took me and Garry for lunch it was Devinne. Was to a little restaurant called Balans, love it in there. Which was also very sweet of them. I stuffed myself on Calamari and fries, delish!!! I had such a lovely day was a bit like a homecoming in a way. I so miss that shop and being part of it. I managed to work there for nine months which is such a long time for me.

So later that night me and Garry had the knife opera "Tomorrow in a year" to go and see which was the main reason for my trip. It turned out to be a bit of a visual let down, music amazing and sound phenomenal but the visuals, from a group where you expect so much more from where such a let down. Didn't make any sense as with the dancers, they weren't even dancing not even in what could be called a contemporary fashion.

We decided to walk out just before the end, we where both pretty tired and where to disappointed to stay. We where both glad and happy we went to see it and it was still good but just not what you would expect from genius. A few other people had also walked out and where complaining too so at least it wasn't just us.

We then went home and had an early night as I had a very big day ahead of me on Thursday. I was feeling nervous and slightly anxious as I was meeting family some of whom I hadn't seen for 20 years. My half sister, cousins, and aunt Kay. So I had a nice long sleep and rest.

The big day came, and my nerves wore off. I was meeting them at covent garden which I love. The first person I met was my half sister sammi. Just as well I had big sunglasses on as I was very tearful. Then was my cousin Louise's turn to show face, same full of emotion but the big sunglasses helped hide that.

We had wait about an hour for my aunt Kay to arrive as she was coming at a different time. We went for a juice and a chat, and it was as though it was only a week since we had last saw each other. We just fitted in, my Aunt Kay turned up and it was full house. we spent the whole day in covent garden where I bought 2 new pairs of doc martens.

Lovely jubbley. We then went for a snack and pimms, I couldn't drink the pimms of course so had a cola instead. We then met my cousin Ian straight from his work and I went to a sweet shop and spent over 40 quid on sweets including, lucky charms breakfast cereal, my favourite.

We then ventured to another restaurant even though I was still full fro the big plate of tiger prawns I had just eaten. We went to the most beautiful place on Drury lane called Starastora or something like that, it was a delight on the eyes inside. everywhere covered in trinkets and fabric, booths up in the Gods which where all different. it was stunning. The toilets even had very graphic pictures of the Kama Sudra painted all over the walls, doors, ceilings it was amazing.

The food was delicious but the service wasn't the quickest, there was even a man serenading us while we all ate. The day sadly came to an end here as I just got so tired. I had to say my goodbye's and we have made arrangement's for them to come up and visit in September. I had a blast that day and can't get over how we all fitted in like old shoes.

The next day was Friday and basically my last day as leaving Saturday. I met up with a few friends, went for lunch and done a little bit more shopping, mainly in the Vivienne Westwood sale. I got lovely stuffs, won't tell you though you will just have to guess what it is. I ended up in pain on Friday night and after sadly saying bye to my friends made my way back to Garry's house, got some food.

I settled in front of the TV it was bliss. Took some very strong morphine to try ease off the pain so I could get on with packing. That was a task and was very difficult in the pain I was in. But I am a trooper and managed it all.

So Saturday came, and it was my last day. I woke Garry up to go for my last London proper greasy spoon breakfast. sausage egg and chips. My fuel for the day. It was then time to get back to Garry's and finalise everything for the journey home.

The taxi came and we left in plenty of time to get to the station and sort getting around with me in the wheelchair etc... The total lack if help was astonishing, we couldn't get a trolley so getting around was so difficult, no one would help us in the station at all the total swines. I started to stress and freak and cry as couldn't deal with getting on the train.

Garry came to the rescue as he always does. He found someone helpful who gave us a trolley for the luggage and said we would get help on the platform which was a relief. I managed to go on the train in one piece which was a stressful relief. I managed to get settled into my first class coach and then it was bliss. I was sad to be leaving, but also happy to be going home.

I was so excited to my sister and Chris. It was worth the journey home to see them again.

To think I almost didn't make it down, as I was sick for the few days before, but I managed to regain my composure as always and it was the most wonderful trip I have had especially after being locked away for such a long time.

So it's now time to leave you with my thought of the day...

Egg and chips or full fry up?

Peace Love and London fun.

Blog No. 82.

2010-07-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

So as I am lying wide awake in this bed at the hospice. I have decided to put to good this non sleeping and write my latest entry. A whole bunch of stuff has happened, some good and some bad but I will leave it up to you to decide which is which. As I said I am in the Marie Curie hospice.

I told you before how amazing it is when I came to be shown around and I won't lie it has not been a disappointment. I have built up a rapore with most of the Nurses and care staff which makes being here a lot more fun.

The reason I was admitted here was due to a pain in my right rib. It was as though a horse had kicked me and then attacked me. So I sent my magic nurse Linda a little text at 8.30am to let her know I may need to come and basically about an hour later she called to say there was a room available for me.

I got pumped full of drugs I still am but there being reduced each day to a more manageable level is better. As I am writing this now, I am back home. you should see the size of the bag its massive. I now have to take an injection everyday to thin my blood as the pain in my chest was blood clots which s a relief as it could have been the cancer spreading. I am hoping I am going to be fit enough for my trip to London on Tuesday.

`i really need this trip been looking forward to it as it will be nice to see old faces and see some of which i haven't seen for about 20. I just need to see my old life

Anyway I shall leave you with my thought of the day....

Blog No. 81.

2010-07-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

So I have just realised that I am 3 months into what was basically given in not so many words a 6 month life sentence. It's strange as apparently in 3 months poof and I go up in a big explosion of purple glitter, and enter the next plane. Well F**k you as I am getting better and stronger, and there's no way I shall be gone for a long time, and that's not me being brave it's how I actually feel inside.

I now have a new set back. My right lung/rib is in agony. I literally feel like I have been kicked by a horse then beating up with by baseball bats after. I can hardly breath in and can hardly move my right arm, the pain goes right up into my neck and even the morphine I am on isn't making a difference.

So I am waiting to see if I can be admitted into the Marie Curie hospice for a few days to be looked at and looked after in a nicer environment than a hospital. It's a hospital but a bit more like a hotel. My fingers are still numb and so are the soles of my feet so I don't know if any of this is related. I hope there's something that can be done and quickly as I don't really want to become a prisoner of pain again.

Just when I was doing really well too. But this is just a little set back and I am not really worried about it being something major. I am sure I will be right as rain in a few days but i just want this pain to go away. But most of all these numb fingers they're making it a trifle hard to actually type.

I am going to go and pack my hospital bag and smile smile smile as they say. Kind of short and sweet today, almost like me except I am tall and mean GRRrrrr!!!

So my thought of the day is...

Fox's Viennese bisckwits or Giant cookies?

Peace love and crumbs in bed!!!

Blog No. 80.

2010-07-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

Well Saturday what a night. Thank you for making it so so busy and amazing. I am so very disappointed that I got too sick to continue playing past 2am and had to leave. But what a party it was and it was all made by you , you beautiful people.

I keep getting annoyed that I had to quit and go home but I cant describe to you the pain I was in. I thought I was going pass out and collapse. And that wouldn't have been a good way to en the night. I just wish I could have played that last hour, the glory hour is what I call it as it's when everyone is really up for it.

It's when the most fun happens, and it was my last time to take part in that whilst DJ'ing. God I am so angry that the illness managed to get in the way on MY night. But I know everyone had fun and that's the most important thing to me as a DJ. I am glad you all came and I am glad I bowed without too much attention (not I wanted that glorious moment at the end).

Anyway, for the past week I have noticed a numb sensation in the end of my fingers and in the balls of my toes. I still have sensation and can feel things, but they are numb. I was seeing the cancer doctors today and they don't know if it could be related to my back pain that suffer from, or a side effect of the chemo.

It's a really strange sensation to have especially for all this time. They think it could be because of the back pain as the cancer is pressing on a lot of nerves and tissues, and as I mentioned a blog or two ago I am on a nerve painkiller to relieve the pain when I am touched. Nerve pain is weird as it's not a constant pain with me but a very over the top reactionary pain. Like the slightest touch and I feel electricity shoot through me with pain and it hurts for a quite a few moments after.

I think this is what may have caused the pain on Saturday as a few people where touching and poking at me, obviously they're not going to know, but it happened a few times and I thought I was going to die with pain.

I didn't start taking the Gabapanten until Saturday night as it makes you drowsy and has funny side effects which I bore witness to today. I kept loosing my balance this afternoon, I was vomiting whilst at the clinic. Kinda like your body's drunk but your brain's not. Not fun and kind of embarrassing.

I really hope this numbness stops soon as I don't want it to be a bone of contention, or whatever the phrase is ha ha. But as I said before it's like something goes and something then appears, but this is a whole new thing on me. Something else for me to moan about I guess.

My sleeping pills don't work I went back onto zoplicone, which stopped working a few months back. I decided to go back on them as I thought since they hadn't been in my system for such a long time they would work, well they do but I am having to technically overdose on them by taking 3 or 4 at night to get to sleep. Which I don't want to do, it's not harmful to do this with these but at the same time I don't want to be taking them like sweets.

I am going to have to stop typing now as the numbness in my fingers seems to be worsening and its not pleasant I tell you.

So my thought of the day is...

Numb bum or numb mouth? ha ha!!!

Peace Love and numb numbs

xxx

Blog No. 79.

2010-07-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

I have managed to find a few minutes in this busy day to write in my blog. I am currently getting ready and organised to DJ for my last gig tonight. I am excited for the night, but saying goodbye is going to be hard. DJ'ing it what I feel is me and defines me. I have achieved a lot and played in venue's and with artists I could only dream of. Been part of celebrity circles and met the most interesting, fabulous, rude and exotic people doing this.

The time has come to take a break, and a rest. I will come back and DJ from time to time, but I am just on the road to some sort of recovery so I need to see where that goes first before I worry about anything else. I have made a Mix to give out tonight and have spent most of the day burning and labeling copies of that. It's miserable weather here and raining so trying to plan an outfit that's fabulous but practical is very hard.

I can't help but notice how much my blog is being read and I would like to welcome my new followers. Fills me with joy to know so many people enjoy reading this and maybe get something out of it too. I know I get a release and some pleasure from writing it. So thanks to everyone who reads. Almost 24,500 reads in 4 1/2 months since I started writing this. I don't know who's reading or how this has happened but I thank you all for making this worthwhile to me.

I don't have much time as must eat something to keep my energy up for tonight. I am thinking something fatty and cheesy maybe chips and cheese YUMMM. The steroid of today is kicking in so I better let it do its work.

So my thought of the day...

CHIPS AND CHEESE AND MUSIC AND DANCING.

Peace Love and retirement home time.

xxx

Blog No. 78.

2010-07-07T00:42:00.000-07:00

So yesterday the piece about my blog went up on the guardian online website, here's the link so you can read it http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/05/young-patients-blogs-cancer it's about me and two other young people who have cancer and blog about it. I would recommend that you have a look at there blogs also.

I am actually very proud of the piece and that my little blog is getting so much attention. It kind of makes me very humble to know that people are interested in me, and what I have to say. I never expected this in a million years. So I would like to thank Carlene Thomas-Bailey for writing the piece and being so lovely in her correspondence with me. So thank you to well you :-).

I have managed to have the sleeps (don't know if that's a real word) of my life. One for 16 hours and then 24 hours. I guess my body has had a lot of sleep to catch up on. Yet again I have been put onto more painkillers well there more for nerve pain. There a muscle relaxant also. They are called Gabapentin. The reason for these is because my body is so sensitive and tender to being touched, and not in a nice way.

Hopefully these will help with my sex life as recently it has been suffering quite bad. I am lucky I have a very open relationship with Chris and can talk to him about anything. He is very understanding about this. I cant bare to be touched in the areas I used to love as pain shoots from legs up into my abdomen which is very strange.

I am also being referred to a sex specialist which I think will be very interesting and there's pills I can be put onto to increase my libido. I am not at the stage of Viagra yet it still works ha ha. But I just don't have much of a drive to me, I don't even pleasure myself which is when you know its bad.

I can't believe I have mentioned my libido but hey I aim to be honest on here and let people know what changes and tribulations I go through. I feel like an onion in a way. There's so many layers of problems and when one is fixed, the one underneath then stands out to be the next issue. I must be a big onion as there is always something new which frustrates me.

It's not like I haven't noticed it until it stands out it's just that other things are a bigger problem such as pain, and when that is fixed the next problem or layer of onion stands out. Why do I feel like Donkey from Shrek right now? Must be the onion talk.

My appetite is on the up and I feel like I am starting to look healthier and a little fuller (but still skeletal) around the face. But I can't stop picking and eating. I am actually enjoying food again, I know it's the steroids that are doing it but who cares. I thought I was becoming anorexic through illness as I just didn't want to eat and hated food. It was like being anorexic apart from hating being thin.

All this talk about food and onions has made me hungry and for breakfast I think I will have either a burger with onion's or a hot dog with onion's ha ha YUMMY.

So my thought of the day is...

Does anyone know where there is a house made of food I could eat?

Peace Love and Onion breathe.

xxx

Blog No. 77.

2010-06-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

I am still on the up. I keep expecting to go down a little, but I am staying where I am just now, which is good. I manage to get out for a wee while on a day then get tired out for one, then another to rest. But at last I am managing to get out, even if it is just for half an hour. I am also managing to get out of bed for a wile each day just at home which a few weeks I couldn't do as could hardly lift my head up.

It's also great no longer finding having a bath or a shower a chore, and having one every three days when I totally stink. I am also managing to keep my room tidier which makes a huge difference, I am washing my bedsheets as I type this. So I guess all in all I am making an improvement. I am feeling good within myself now too where as before I was starting to hate being alive as felt like I was suffering too much.

I am still very restricted, but I am not bothered too much by what I can't do and just happy that I am able to just do again. I have a friend visiting me tomorrow from Australia, Amanda. I haven't seen her in so long so will be nice to see her for a couple of hours. My friend and old flatmate from London is also visiting me on Sunday which I am excited for.

Funny how London now seems like a distant memory and I have settled back into Glasgow life. It took a few months and at first it was so hard. I had left my life at the time behind down there and I now am very happy to stay in Glasgow. I have my boyfriend Chris which I have waited all my life for here.

I owe him so much, he is the main reason it's been so easy to get used to my life here as he brings me so much joy and happiness. He also looks after me which I know must be hard for him, and also my sister as I am a lot of work as even though feeling better I find somethings hard to do. Like going to the shop and cooking even tidying up properly.

I don't expect these things to be done for me but, I get help and I do as much as I can. But having the help makes my life so much easier. It is also nice to know that you're being looked after it is a nice feeling.

My appetite is returning very slowly, I am managing to eat a dinner from time to time, I pick and snack quite a lot during the day too. I have also been put onto tablets to stimulate my appetite today which will kick in soon. So soon I will be eating meals for four and be a size 30 in the waist hahaha.

I am still shocked by how thin I have got, and the how small the kids clothes actually are that I am now wearing. Especially when I look at my normal sized clothes which weren't exactly big in the first place. But I am getting used to being this size, and have been told it is unlikely I will gain much weight but main thing is to not to loose anymore.

Since I mentioned donating money to Marie Curie and MacMillan cancer charities I am pleased to know that various people are donating old clothes, time, money and even awareness to these places. That means so much to me and replaces my faith in the human nature. I would like to say thank you on behalf of these two great organisations. As I said before I would be so lost and alone without them. So THANK YOU!!!

My thought for today is...

The only way is up!!!

Peace Love and Rising like a Phoenix

xxx

Blog No. 76.

2010-06-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

So here I am about to apologise for not keeping in touch, but hey so what. I have been busy with hospitals, professors, surgeons and hospice visits let alone actually being able to get up and about a little bit too. My spirits are a bit higher than what they where before. My energy is starting to come back.

Also on my visits to these various medics, I discovered my liver is working at one hundred percent so that is a huge relief to me. The cancer hasn't attached there yet which I cant tell you how happy that makes me actually feel.

I have had my pain medication reviewed and I am now on morphine, it's a slow release version with a top up kind of tablet to go with it. The side effects haven't been too severe and I am gradually feeling better. When I am awake I don't feel dopey, I do get tired out still but all in all I am starting to feel more like me again.

It's a gradual process and I still have a long ways to go until I feel normal again, but at least for now I can feel an improvement in myself which I can only feel positive about. The past 2 months have been incredibly difficult, probably the toughest out of the whole lot, if not my life.

But they are behind me now and for now I can see a little bit of a future for me.

But, I have decided to stop DJ'ing for a while, I can't guarantee my health from one date to the next, and for now I need as little pressure on me as possible. Hopefully I can still do something with it from time to time but for now I have to wave goodbye. Which is quite sad for me but for the long run it has to be done.

I went to view the marie curie hospice at stobhill hospital on Friday and I am blown away by it. The place is amazing. I would actually move into it now. You get a private room, with a balcony or landscaped garden. The views are stunning, the chefs will cook you whatever your hearts desire while you are which is a nice touch.

The building is very well designed with so many small touches that really make a difference. Your family or partner can stay over night with you too which will make you feel more at home.

They offer so many complimentary health therapy's from hypnotherapy to acupuncture all free as well. Over all I am very impressed by the place.

I am now just chilling at home with my dog and going to have a very hot steamy bath to relax and enjoy as for the first time in ages it doesn't feel like a chore.

So my thought of the day is...

Donate money to marie cure, and macmillan cancer charities as without them I as so many others would be lost, even 50p makes a difference.

Peace love and charitable donations,

Blog No. 75.

2010-06-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how scared I am right now. I had a meeting with my professor on Monday. I asked him questions about what I will go through at the end, if I will suffer, if I will be in pain, these things have been on mind a lot. He said it won't be dramatic (shame) and very peaceful. He said I will die of liver failure basically as that's where the cancer is going to go to. I will gradually fade out, turn that lovely yellow colour at the end.

Kind of hard to accept your going to die of liver failure especially when you haven't damaged your liver through alcohol. I can count on one hand the amount of alcoholic drinks I have had in the last 6 weeks, so just goes to show you don't matter what you do you can still die of something.

The reason I am really scared just now, is because it's a gradual descent. Your appetite decreases and so does your energy and it gets less and less. I don't have an appetite really at all just now and can't eat much. I also just want to sleep all the time. I have been putting it down to any factor I can, and there is a few reasons that could be causing it, but right now I am scared it is because of the cancer.

If I don't regain my appetite and get a bit more lively in the next month then I know for sure that I am fading out. It's so terrifying to know you only have a month to know if your as close to death as you fear. It's on my mind constantly, dying, It's not that I have given in, or that I really believe I am, but I have to be honest with myself and know it's going to happen a lot sooner than later.

It's strange, all my life I have know that I would die young. I even had thoughts in the past that I had cancer, but obviously you don't really believe it. I do not know why I have had these thoughts and feelings but once in a blue moon I would think that. Strange how we don't listen to ourselves. Wish I did.

I wish none of this happening, I wish my family and my partner didn't have to go through this and my friends too. It makes me feel so sad knowing I am going to leave. Not for me, but for you and them. My sister and I are so incredibly close, I don't know how I can leave her. My partner too, He is a big ray of light in my life and doesn't deserve this. Who will look after him, how will he cope?

That is what scares me about death, leaving people, not the act. It happens to us all and I guess I can try and justify what's happening to me until I am blue in the face but to be honest, there is no justice to it. Sure I have done things wrong, but who hasn't? I put right these wrongs as best I can and believe in moving on but right now, I don't see any way of fixing this.

I also buried my Grandfather today. His funeral was huge, he was a very well respected member of his community, and was involved in so many different things from youth groups, to photographing weddings, first communions, baptisms and any other local event that took place.

His mass was beautiful the choir sang and it was all just beautiful. The church was packed and it was comforting to know he was so loved by everyone.

Anyway, on a cheerier note I am DJ'ing on Friday at bloc for my club night. DJ'ing is my life's passion, and I feel I am going to have to give it up soon. I really struggled last month at my birthday and my energy levels have improved slightly but I am worried that this one will also be a struggle. If it is I will have to go into retirement sooner rather than later.

Makes me sad knowing I will have to give it up, but I also want to end on a high rather than getting to the stage I don't get to say goodbye to my once promising career. I have achieved a lot through playing music, and met some wonderful and very colourful people along the way. Some nights have been successes other's flops. But I have loved every minute of it and know I am truly lucky to have found a job in which I put all my passion, heart, soul and love into.

Thank you for being my life, Music, I love you.

So I bid you goodnight or day depending on when you are reading this and the thought?

If you had one song to sing, what would it be?

Peace Love, and don't cry me.

Blog No. 74.

2010-06-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

It's 2am and I am lying awake thinking of quite a few things. Today my Grandfather passed away. I was very close to him, he and my Grandmother practically brought me up. Me my sister and my 2 cousins would go to there house everyday after school to be looked after while our parents where at work. My poor Grandmother will be distraught, they have been married for 60 years if not more. She also has Alzheimer's and I don't know how she will cope without him or if she will remember if he is gone in her day to day life.

I also Have the cancer clinic tomorrow. I am dreading it. Every time I go it's bad news and I don't know what they can offer me since now in there eyes I am a hopeless cause. I would rather not go and just leave my life up to fate as what will be will be. I also have to see the surgeon who put my new stent in on Thursday too and my Grandfathers funeral will probably be on Wednesday.

A bit of a harsh week you could say. But tonight lots of things are on my mind. Mostly tomorrow as I feel everything is final now in the cancer department. Since being told I would probably have only months left to live I feel they have given up on me and all they will offer is more chemo or nothing. They told me last time more chemo would be pointless as they would use a different combination, it would also be less effective second time round. Which since the first lot didn't work I do not see the point in destroying myself further.

It's a strange feeling having your life out of your hands and knowing at any moment you can take ill and that be it. I don't have it on my mind 24/7 but when these appointments come up you can't help but think about it all. I know what doctors say isn't the law. But when they tell you bad news it's hard for it to not hit you as you do expect them to know what they are on about.

I guess I should just go and be with my thoughts as my concentration isn't too good.

Today's thought?

Well my thoughts are with my family especially my Grandparents.

Peace love and family ties.

xxx

In the loving memory of my Grandfather,

Rest In Peace.

Blog No. 73.

2010-06-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

Yet again the gaps have appeared between entries. I have had a lot going on, indeed I did. Mainly my adventure to Brighton with my sister to spend 5 days in the company of Alan and various other friends who made efforts to see us either through coming down from London, (Garry and Billy) and friends who live there (Sarah and Tobi). It was wonderful seeing you all. Really it meant so much to me that I could see you all.

I must give a shout out to Alan, my ex well we split up about 8yrs ago and now are close friends. Alan allowed us to stay in his very glamorous Beach front apartment. It was like a step back to a royal apartment with hints of modernism. The chandeliers and memory foam beds and modern kitchen and royally decorated living room, well fit for two queens. It is here we would call home and I loved it.

Alan's flatmate Chris is a very nice and sweet guy and my only wish was to get to know him a bit better. I was on painkillers with which I cant drink so I missed out on his and others company through this. Believe me Guys I really wanted to have fun with you but in my circumstance I can't

Alan as usual was the most wonderful host. Taking us for dinner to the marina and driving us about and telling us where to go in the day. Guiding me to the kids section in Brighton's H & M where I could get some new clothes and ones to fit me at that. That has been a bit of a nightmare I tell you when shops sizes don't go down small enough so you have to try the kids section. I kind of like it as kids have cool style these days so I am grabbing a piece of the action and at the no VAT rate too. £5.99 for jeans can't moan and tops just as cheap.

OK before I end up ranting about kids clothes I just want to say. Thank you to all of you in Brighton, who came to Brighton and who I met in Brighton for making my stay very comfortable, very much fun and relaxing at the same point. Was the mixture I was needing it really was.

By time of coming home I had been almost everywhere and it took its toll on me. Each walk visit, attraction tired me out so did walking. But was worth it. But I won't lye. I was looking forward to getting into my own bed and surroundings. but those 5 days in Brighton where heaven so again thanks to all of you who where there and participated.

Now on a serious note. I have decided to come off and change my pain medication. I am on oxycodon in two forms A) Oxycontin. is a 12 hour continuous release tablet and B) Oxynorm. Is a quick acting version of this to get to pain and stop it instantly and very effective at it it is too.

These painkillers are stronger than morphine. They do work getting rid of my pain, but with such power comes side effects. I couldn't handle them. The effects I had where... irritability, rash, unable to urinate, feeling of being detached, feelings of unreality, loss of appetite, night sweats, constant drowsiness. I mean one or two I could have dealt with. so over two days I decreased the dose.

But today I seen my doctor and she changed me to co-codomol which hasn't helped with pain %100 but it does help. I have a total lack of energy and no lust for life. I almost feel like I am evaporating. I have no control over how I feel and believe it or not, I have been writing this since Monday and it has taken until Friday to get this far.

I feel it's important for me to keep up this blog. I started doing something good for me with this but the past while I have been finding it so hard to keep up with. I know there's a lot of people who like to read this and to you I am sorry I haven't been doing it daily. Once I am back up and high kicking I will be doing it daily.

I don't know if I have mentioned the alkaline diet to you before. I am about to start it this weekend. It has so many beneficial effects, and cancer can't survive in alkaline conditions. Sounds a bit off the wall but there is so much evidence to support it works. It means being very strict with my food and drinks, no more sugary drinks. You are allowed once a week to take a night off and give into temptation.

Other ways it improves your life is by giving you energy, takes away sugar cravings, takes your body to its natural optimum weight and basically just makes you feel amazing. In the USA they recommend very highly to cancer patients and people who have grade 4 cancer like me who are "incurable" have been cured.

It's my best chance. A very sweet go go dancer called Mia Cher also recommended to me to try vibrational medicine. Her family had there own success story through using this so I am still researching this and going to get in touch with the lady in Inverness who practices this to get more information.

I am not dead yet and still have some tricks up my sleeve but right now everything is so hard for me. I have a wheelchair on standby to get out and about this weekend, but I feel that's giving up if I use it. So we will see. I am going to try and eat tonight as this is the last night I am able to everything I want before my organic alkaline diet starts.

So my thought of the well... week?

If you had to pick your food for one last day what would you pick?

Peace, Love and alkaline batteries

Blog No. 72.

2010-06-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

I bet your surprised reading this as I am writing a blog the day after I last done one and haven't done that for a while. I still have this tired feeling it seems to be ruling my life. I went into town yesterday and after about 30-40 minutes I had to come home. I was really light headed and had kind of cloudy vision. So things like that I am finding frustrating.

It does have a plus side, I no longer need to do anything for myself and I have the perfect excuse to stay in my new bed. I am addicted to this bed, even sitting on the sofa is rubbish in comparison. I now have a TV sender in my room which I can also change channel through. So now have even less reason to get out of bed.

I do get out of bed, mainly to go to the toilet and kitchen and have a bath. Sometimes I will get out of it to go sit in the garden with the dog. But that is just about it for the reasons I will get out of it for. I seriously recommend that everyone invests a little in a memory foam mattress. It is seriously the best thing I have ever had.

The sleep you get on it gives you a feeling the next day that you have slept on air. It does take a couple of nights sleep in it to get used to it. But once you do you will know exactly what I am talking about.

I am now getting excited for Brighton. I know it wasn't my first choice but I know I am going to have a really nice time. We where going to stay in a hotel, but my friend Alan has kindly offered to put us up which saves some money. It also means we can be shown around all the sights and sounds which is good too.

One of my best friends Garry (with 2 R's) who now lives in that London is going to meet me and my sister there too on the Friday. I love seeing Garry he is such a free spirit and his energy rubs off on you. He always makes you feel good, he's unlike anyone I have ever met, he is a little treat wrapped in a wrapper made from nuttiness...

The answer to yesterday's thought is Umbrella.

So today's thought that I shall leave you with is down to Garry...

What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?

Peace Love and Umbrella's

xxx

Blog No. 71.

2010-05-31T08:15:00.000-07:00

I am no longer going to apologise for my delay between entries here, Mainly because I can't predict how I am gong to feel one day to the next, or sometimes I have personal reasons for not writing an entry. I do want to do one every day but right now that's just not possible.

I am starting to feel better, but one day I can feel OK then the next I can feel worse. I am starting to eat, but really only a meal a day and a few things that I pick at. Even the meal I eat is half the size of what I'd normally eat. Today I bought shorts for my trip to Brighton later this week, and regular sizes no longer fit me, I had to buy kids jeans, 13-14yr old is the age, end even these are a big too big on the waist.

I am disgusted by how thin I am, I have a spine like some Alien creature, which is very uncomfortable, especially in the bath. I was given the handy tip of putting a sponge underneath the base of my spine when in the bath.

My knees dig into my legs when lying down, and have caused bruising on the opposite leg while sleeping. I now have to put a pillow between my leg when lying on my side. Vile, people often say they wish they could be thin, but I wish I wasn't this thin. It's affecting my life. Not just physically, but mentally.

I don't have the self confidence I once had. It upsets me if I catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror. The last time I properly saw myself I cried. It had been a long time since I'd looked before that time. So the difference was huge in what I last saw of myself. I have never had body issues, not saying I had a high opinion of myself, but I have always been happy and content with how I looked and my physique.

Now that has all changed and I hate it. You can all say what you want but this is a very real opinion that I have. It's how my body looks, not how I am perceiving it to look. So please don't tell me I don't look that bad, I don't want your compliments or sympathy.

The thing that's annoying me now is the god damn itching from the painkillers. My whole body has it's own turn and needing a scratch and when I get rid of one itch the next one appears. It is a lot, lot better than the pain I suffer from.

So as I mentioned earlier I am off to Brighton on Thursday. I am going with my sister, we where going to go to Barcelona but due to the B.A. strikes, the airfares had all gone up to ludicrous prices. Was going to cost about £1,500 each just to go for the weekend. Hardly worth it.

So I decided on Brighton as I want a beach and a bit of a cosmopolitan atmosphere around me.

I need to just get somewhere and relax. I have a couple of friends in Brighton too which will be nice to catch up with.

So as I now go and start my washing for going away, I shall leave you my thought of the day.

Whats goes up a chimney down but, wont go down a chimney up?

Peace Love and Brighton rock...

xxx

blog No. 70.

2010-05-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

I am so fed up pf feeling crappy and tired. It is beginning to take over my life and my mind. I am finding everything such a struggle and effort just now which is so hard and difficult. I just wish that when I next wake up I feel fine and dandy, but it doesn't work like that, which is quite sad. I have lost so much weight and look like a big of bones. I used to love food and eating, it was a passion of mine. Now I feel like food is such a battle ground for me. I kind of feel like I would be happy if I didn't need to eat again.

I had my birthday party on Saturday. I wish I was able to enjoy it more than I did, but due to lack of energy it was a struggle for me. I got some amazing gifts and cards and again I would like to thank you for them and thank you all for coming and dancing. It means a lot to me it really does.

I am starting to eat a bit more, I hope that this week my body shall start to repair to itself. I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. I feel like I am being tortured and I just want it to stop. This is no life, and not how I want to continue. But maybe now I am starting to eat I shall return to life but it will be a slow process.

I don't have to much to say other than another thank you to all of you who made Saturday so special and beautiful for me.

My thought of the day is...

Keep the music inside you and move to the beat.

Peace Love and Music,

xxx

Blog No. 69.

2010-05-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to find the words to start this blog, but they don't seem to want to flow today. If this is how you find this news out and I haven't told you then I'm sorry, but it's so hard to tell so many people you care about bad news. It's bad enough being told it yourself. But passing it on has been a task for me a very difficult one.

Yesterday I found out that the chemo hasn't been effective and that the cancer has advanced even further, everything has basically gotten bigger. I asked what does that mean, how long do I have left to live and the response was simply and devastatingly, "Months". He then said there maybe other channels I can go down but need to take a month off treatment first.

My sister was with me and seeing her upset like that has broken my heart. I have passed the news on to as many people as I could face last night and every time I told someone it was like a little piece of me was crushed. So if this is how you find out then I am sorry but I couldn't tell anymore people.

It's strange as I feel fine, not amazing as still hardly eating and have a sore back, but I feel fine, definitely not like I am dying at all. I know you will all tell me that doctor's get it wrong and people live for years. I know all this I haven't had my head buried in the sand all my life. I do believe I can be one of these people. So please if you see me out or talk to me don't tell me all this cliche stuff. And I do know first hand that doctors get it wrong it all the time.

My life is in the hands of the God's as they say. I will leave it down to fate and spend this month off trying to get myself back to a fit enough state so I can battle on with this or be Strong enough to do whatever I decide to do.

I don't have anymore information on the in's and out's of it all or what my options are so please do not question me about it. I will let you know what I know when I know it.

The thought of the day is...

What would you do with the rest of your life if you knew you only had a short time left?

Peace love and God please help me!

Blog No. 68.

2010-05-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

I do not know where to begin. I have had the most horrific week of my life. So much happened it was all due to negligence of the NHS doctors who treated me in hospital last week, as they didn't carry out there job properly.

I ended up having to go back into hospital on Monday night as the pain in my bowels had gotten so intense. it got worse as the days went on. The painkillers IE morphine infused with other painkillers in a drip did not alleviate this. It was torture. I kept passing out from the pain. Whenever I think of the past few days I get upset so this entry may be a bit non-sensical.

I am trying to thin the story out as it is so long and a bit raw to go through it all but I will try. Basically my stent, the tube which keeps my bowels open was blocked with tumour, either new or the original has grown. That's why I couldn't pass anything at the toilet. It should have been the first thing they checked, not give me laxatives and painkillers and send me on my way.

The build up got so bad that my bowel was about to perforate, which would have killed me. This is where I get a bit graphic, I had a C.T scan and the surgeon straight away seen this, I was only x-rayed before which would not have shown what was going on at all. I was transferred and a new stent put in under the original.

As soon as the new stent went in I can only describe an explosion of faecus. I was covered from head to foot, it was in my hair down to my toes. Its the most inhumane, humiliating degrading thing I could ever Imagine happening and it did. I am crying as I type this but it was truly horrible. I will never trust a doctor again as it shouldn't have gone that far. I was left on the truly with a paper bowl under me and told too poo. I was pleading begging to go to the toilet and they said we're to busy cleaning.

The process from scan to new stent being put in was about 2 hours, the stent takes 10 minutes and they do under sedation, not exactly a hassle in the first place. I haven't eaten for about 2 weeks, and will take weeks for may appetite to return as my stomach will have shrunk, it did last time about 3 to 4 weeks it took. But I have lost so much weight through the ravishes of chemo.

I got of hospital today Saturday and I am physically in no pain or discomfort, just got 3 weeks of being stuck on the loo to look forward too. But its has left me traumatised and a little dark inside, the pain rings inside my head along with the humiliation of it all.

I have to stop typing this as I hope you understand it's really upsetting me.

My thought of the day is...

If you wouldn't let a dog suffer why a human?

Peace Love and this wasting disease

xxx

Blog No. 67.

2010-05-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

So the move was quite simple, basically got picked up and just have to wait on my stuff to follow. Will take a few days to get everything organised properly but I am happy to know all I have to do now is basically settle. Glad to be where I have to moved to it's a very nice quiet area. We have our own garden which is great for the dog. The projector for TV isn't bad either.

There's loads to do I won't lye but it's basically unpacking and organising which is usually the most fun part I find anyway. I am just glad to have my own space at last. This is only a temporary move until me and my sister find our own place. But gives us time to think and look, and gives me my own space. Somewhere to call my own for now.

The dog doesn't travel very well as he cries so for the car journey I had to basically bribe him with dog chews to keep him quiet. He has now gone a bit manic and went wild in the garden. he will be sniffing around and around and around for days. It usually takes him three to four working days settle.

I am so excited as for my birthday Chris is buying me a memory foam mattress. I should have it next week and I tell you I can not repeat can not wait to sleep in it. Especially after how my back has been through not having a real bed. So thank you to my stunning boyfriend for that pure hundreds of love to you :-)

I still haven't pooped properly but will keep you updated on this as I am sure you are really fascinated by it. I know I am. My stomach is like a jacuzzi the noises its making are probably effecting the Richter scale I'm sure.

Well I have some organising and settling in to do so I shall leave you with my thought of the day...

If you could have a jacuzzi built into your stomach what colour would it be?

Peace love and gurgling bubbles

Blog No. 66.

2010-05-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

So where to begin firstly with apologies for not writing for a few days. I been sick and in hospital. Will let you know whats been going on in this blog. It's been a busy old week for me.

I had my intravenous chemo on Tuesday, which was such a long day as was up at six to wait on patient transport. It didn't turn up so was late for my appointment at nine.

I had to have my arm x-Rayed as my pic line (the tube in my arm) had moved. It had moved to far so had to come out. Such a relief not having it in but more annoying in a way as now have to have drips forced into my veins, and it now hurts having the chemo, not just getting it but arm been sore for a few days. But at least I can shower properly now.

So what was up with me? Basically Constipation. Don't sound too terrible, but I been blocked up for nearly 2 weeks. That's how I ended up in hospital in first place. I got took to hospital on wed night to make sure nothing has happened to my stent, I got transferred to a different hospital as the one I was in was full.

I was kept in overnight and everything is "fine". They think it's the painkillers I am on that has caused the blockages, but they had to be sure and as I wasn't able to eat or drink for a few days they wanted to give me a drip. I kept getting pumped full of morphine which is fun in it's on way.

I got sent a nurse from the Beatson who came and went through my meds with me, she decided to change my pain relief to a morphine based painkiller in a low dose, which has helped Its two different forms of the same medicine, oxycodone is the medicine, it comes it two forms, one is a slow release tablet I take twice a day and the other form of same medicine, is one i can take whenever I need to as often, which as it says on the box is for breakthrough pain relief.

They kind of make you a bit dazed, but I am used to that feeling. I also received an enema, kinda strange thing that is and was given some to take home to try flush me out. I know pleasant conversation this is. I do tell all don't I?

While I was in hospital there was arrests made, people fighting the lot. Then when I was moved to the second hospital there was a junkie in the bed next to mines, who was at it. He overheard my story as I relayed it between one medical person to the next and decided to pass on what i was saying to his family, he tried to copy my symptoms and behaviour to get some Morhpine, the staff saw through this. But God loves a trier.

It was kind of funny as he was getting all these bits mixed up and I did have a giggle at him. He then tried to play the doctors off against each other, and he was eventually signed out as fit and healthy with a dose of methadone too for his trouble. I overheard him on the phone to his dealer which was amusing as he thought if he had his back to me I couldn't hear him.

Now where am I at? Oh yes so I am out of hospital having a bit of bowel action. I move flat tomorrow (Saturday), me and my sister move in with her boyfriend for a few months. We are there so I can have my own room while me and her flat hunt. I cant wait to have some sort of sanctuary I tell you. Makes all the difference having your own space.

I feel like I have so much more to tell you about, I feel like I have been cheating my readers the past while as I haven't been typing an entry everyday, But it is hard for me sometimes, and sometimes I find myself empty or not much has happened and you can't really make up a lot on these things as you always get caught out.

I shall let you know how the move goes tomorrow so until then,

My thought of the day...

Is two the loneliest number?

Peace Love and flitting bits.

Blog No. 65.

2010-05-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful nights sleep I had last night. These new sleeping pills and painkillers are amazing. I had to pick up more prescriptions today, one is for my scalp a lotion, as its breaking out and I am starting to loose my hair more noticeably even though I know tricks to hide to hide it and have good products so you won't really notice. It's still a strange thing getting used to it, how it feels how I can style it and how I can have it cut.

But my scalp has been really uncomfortable and sore for about a week now, I have lost a little of my hair its just mainly got thinner and receded quite a bit more. It's a weird thing to go on about but if i shaved my head it would be my choice not to have hair but loosing it like this feels like another battle but not one that consumes me.

I do like having hair as it identifies who you are and makes a statement about who you are too.

But all in all I am not too fussed about it.

I am also on a kind of laxative as the painkillers I am on can cause me to be blocked up, it's more of a sugar syrup than a pill I don't really know how it works but it tastes nice. A bit like maple syrup, Better not take too much or I will have funny marks in me pants hahaha.

Tonight I am going to have a nice romantic dinner with Chris, really looking forward to it it will be our first kind of date as we usually go for a night out when I am feeling fit enough but usually are confined to the house because I am to sick to go out.

Can't tell you how much I am looking forward to it. Will be nice ah bless. I need to tidy up the flat and walk the dog but I have plenty of time. Mind you the painkillers have made me get a bit a spacey at times so I feel everything will be done in a rush this evening as I don't seem to notice time has passed.

Well I guess I should go and stare into space a bit more and enjoy my relaxing afternoon before I have to tidy and clean up.

So the thought of the day is...

Staring into Space or going into Space?

Peace, Love and Space Raider's

Blog No. 64.

2010-04-30T07:47:00.000-07:00

So for the past few days I have been having these real bad stomach cramps, which is normal but the pain is almost making me cry. I imagine it's like contractions in birth as it is so bad. I have been put onto pure dihydrocodeine today by the doctor which is a slow release version so only need to take two to three in a day.

The sleeping pills seem a bit old school and the side effects sound hilarious. Like sleep walking, Sleep eating (which I already have been known to do), sleep driving (I don't drive or have a car thank God), Sleep sex (Chris watch out), memory and confusion problems in one out of ten people.

They sound fun so I guess people of Glasgow if you see me tonight in a zombified state having sex and baking cakes, don't worry I didn't mean it and please don't wake me up.

Hopefully I will get a decent nights sleep, which I am so looking forward to. I always do. When I get new sleeping pills it's like Christmas will they work won't they work, what they going to feel like working. Oh and to cure your curiosity they are called zolpidem. Only thing is with the painkillers and sleeping pills I have to avoid alcohol.

Especially with the sleeping pills in case I stop breathing, or don't wake up for three days. so no alcohol for me and on my week off chemo too. But kind of glad as I am wanting a relaxed weekend. Going to Book our cruise tomorrow which is exciting.

Even though it's going to be October when we go it still gives me something to look forward to. I can't wait it will be so worth the wait. A week of fun and sun in the Mediterranean with the people I love.

I think these painkillers are kicking in as I am feeling a bit groggy and confused and Don't wanna make to much of a plonker of myself.

So the thought of the day is...

Will I actually get into mischief with these new pills?

Peace, love and doing the dirty in your sleep.

xxx

Blog No. 63.

2010-04-28T02:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry yesterdays blog wasn't amazing but I wasn't feeling amazing. I have ran out of sleeping pills and not slept properly for about a week. It really effects me as I do love my sleep. I miss being able to sleep naturally. I used to take pills called melatonin. Which if you research into them reduce the ageing process, help with menopause, cancer, immune system and many other benefits. Melatonin is the hormone your Brain produces to send you to sleep.

You used to be able to buy in Holland and Barret here until it got taken off the shelves but is available in the USA over the counter therefor it's available on eBay and very cheap too. I have taking them before as sleeping pills and they work, so I believe in there health benefits as well as there sleeping power.

I been having bad stomach cramps the past few days, round the area where the tumour is. Not been too pleasant the past few days, I feel better than I did the last few days, thank God. But still never feel amazing. I am now on my first day of no chemo until next Tuesday. So a few days of my body repairing then I will feel fine then BANG straight back into the routine.

I only have 2 more cycles around 7 weeks left until I hopefully get a bit of a break from it all. I can't wait to have this break I don't know how long I will have but even a month without being controlled by appointments, chemo, planning when I feel good to do something, which is usually spur of the moment as I can't say on this day I will feel like this...

I wish I could say when I will be feeling what and when I am going to be feeling it. But c'est la vie. It's all in the hands of the God's as they say.

I better go and eat something now I have a bit of an appetite.

So the thought of the day is...

Mel and Kim or melatonin?

peace love and deep deep sleep...

Blog No. 62.

2010-04-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

So Saturday was big jokes I had an absolute ball. And hope everyone else did too.

I been feeling quite sick the past few days there's been a bug going round and I am worried I may have caught it as I know it will practically destroy me. We will wait and see what happens.

I am now off chemo for a week and have two more cycles to go before I get some sort of a break. We are still looking into booking or cruise and may go in October on the same ship we did as last time, Royal Caribbean all the way. Its a Mediterranean cruise so means I wouldn't have to fly for long either. I just want a break now :-( starting to get the fed feeling coming over me again. I guess I should go sorry it's a bit short and sweet but I feel like hell.

The thought of today is...

Don't think just do...

peace love and love bugs

Blog No. 61.

2010-04-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

So I am currently at Chris's parents house while he preens himself for tonight's shenanigans. I so can't wait for my night tonight, have my new decks to play with and some new sounds to experiment with. All in all an exciting day.

Went into town to book my cruise, well price so we're currently at 865 per person, lets see how much we finally get for before we book it next week. It's with celebrity cruises 5* liners they look amazing and will be so relaxing. We are not planning to go until the 18th September and it's a Mediterranean cruise so weather with still be nice and warm.

I have so much to do today like sort out music, burn CD's and plan my look for this evening.

So I guess I better go and get on with it.

The thought of the day is....

If God is a DJ does that mean I am God?

Peace love and busy bee's

xxx

Blog No. 60.

2010-04-23T04:14:00.000-07:00

So where to begin, I had my psychic night last night and it was amazing. Hard to describe the way she gives you a reading, it's like talking to an old friend who knows you, she doesn't really go in any particular order and so you get one bit of info, then more about something else then she comes back. She even impersonates the people to a total tee alive or dead when she speaking about them.

She told me all about my illness and knew where I feel pain and that I go to the toilet more often and that the cancer had spread. She had strong vibes of music about me and seen me as a DJ. She said that's when I truly come alive and shine, I kind of act while I DJ. She also See's me going back into fashion in a year or two with someone with a fat cheque, we'll see about that.

She knew everything about how I used to live my life, my old diet exactly what I ate. She even spoke about my relationship with Chris and said he was sent to me and I have gotten better since meeting him, which I have. She also knew that had been talking about going to Brighton for a weekend and that we are soul mates. She also said I could choke him at times which is true as he always runs late and it drives me mad.

That's all I am really going to say other than it was amazing and if your in Scotland and want her contact number E-mail me pnich250583@hotmail.com or facebook me if your on my facebook.

She told Chris pretty much the same about us two and my friend Rosie's reading was all true too.

It really zapped your energy and I fell asleep for the first time in an age without sleeping pills last night and had a real deep nice sleep.

I have my club night tomorrow and can't wait to come alive again.

Today I am feeling really good and positive apart from my sore head.

So the thought for today is...

Fresh peas or frozen?

Peace, Love and Eve

Blog No. 59.

2010-04-22T05:43:00.000-07:00

So today is the day of all days. I have my psychic night tonight really looking forward to it. And since yesterdays reiki I feel amazing. This stuff really works. Cant wit for tonight as Rosie gets to meet my boyfriend Chris which is exciting and then the readings.

I also came up with the theme for my birthday party in a month from nows time, ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD" I want joan and jackie collins glamour twisted with ghetto chic bling. Total wow factor is what I am looking for and can't wait for it as I need this birthday to be amazing as I don't know what will happen next year.

I am celebrating my birthday early as I get my last dose of chemo on the day of my birthday before I get my break.

I have to totally tidy this flat up for tonight and shower and look nice. I am really looking forward to meeting the psychic she said she is really tall and she is an older woman. She sounds really interesting on the phone and I still don't have a sore back how amazing's that.

So today I have a good day and will tomorrow with Chris as he staying over. Then on Saturday is my club night which I am so excited for as I have my new decks and get to use them for the first time and will be able to DJ the way I know I can and by that I mean good.

The night will be mayhem which I love watching and joining in on I come alive again when I DJ as music is my soul, my life and my disease. It fixes me from opera, to metal, to uplifting house and even pounding dirty electro. It all moves me in ways I cant describe.

I guess I should go and tidy up and shower and all that crap.

So the the thought of the day is...

psychic or psycho?

Peace Love and channelling

xxx

Blog No. 58.

2010-04-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

So I have been spending the day with Garry starmanny with the star before he jets off back to London this evening. We have had a total ball while he has been here and today we are just being chilled watching trashy TV. A very nice and sweet friend came over and gave the both of us reiki and WOW go get it off someone (as long as if they know what they are doing).

Its such a relief and the feelings of my chemo seem to have evaporated. It's hard to describe what it feels like, it's just energy flowing through your body and you feel where the energy is its so hard to describe. But I feel OK now and so does he.

She knew exactly where my tumour was and where i have pins in my hip and that I have a bad knee. weird.

I am so excited about the piece The Guardian are doing on blog and wish it was now that it was now the piece was done. But patience is a virtue.

I am going to back and spend time with my friend Garry as we only have a couple of hours left before he goes back to the big smoke.

The thought for the day is...

Reiki me up before you go go

Peace, Love and at one with the universe

Blog No. 57.

2010-04-20T04:38:00.000-07:00

I know I not written for a few days but I been catching up with two of my friends one whom has been travelling the world for nine months and the other who is up from London. The show went on on Saturday night. It was fun I had a ball even when I had to finish early due to a technical fault, but in all was a great night.

Been spending loads of time with my friends this weekend and my beau. Can't tell you how nice it is to have the people I have in my life I am truly lucky and blessed. We chatted drank wine listened to music and watched DVD's.

This morning I checked my E-mail's and The Guardian newspaper have gotten in touch to do a piece about me and my blog in the next week or two. I am so happy at this. Finally I can maybe get some sort of message out to even more people and I feel honoured that they have decided on me.

As for how I am feeling well the chemo has definitely started to kick in. I feel so tired and lethargic. Vomiting less but feels more harsh how nice. I have my club night on Saturday but I will be feeling fine by then. I was supposed to see my psychic on Sunday evening, but she had to cancel as had an emergency but she was on the phone to me for about 20 minutes and told some interesting stuff

She said I can feel your back pain and then she took it away, this was Friday when she rang and my back hasn't been sore since. I am so looking forward to meeting her on Thursday will be an experience at least.

I am going to go just now as I have to take today's first dose of chemo. Happy days

So my thought of the day is...

What would you do if you found weasels under your bed?

Peace Love and Happy Days (i used to love that show)

Blog No. 56.

2010-04-16T03:32:00.000-07:00

I can not thank and believe how many reads I have had on my blog over 11,300. Absolutely amazing and thank you for reading. I mainly do it as i type what flows into my head and read a week behind so I can look back and see how I felt and what differences I have. I also want raise awareness, get yourself checked out even if no history in your family.

I had no symptoms for five years, and look at me now. Get yourself checked just do it better to get it caught early rather than be in the position of waiting your death. I want to go on TV and talk about this as men in general ignore there health. I had piles from straining on the loo so much which is a sign of bowel cancer, but can be simple enough to just be piles.

I am upbeat today as have a gig tomorrow and no matter how rough I am I will do it, The show must go on. I love that phrase at its true. I can not wait for tomorrow, it's a bar gig so an early one 8-12 which means if I am rough I don't have to be out late.

Chris is spending a few days with me I love him being here he really makes me forget but I wasn't much company last night as was very sick and tired but he held me and looked after me, and he is such an amazing guy I can't tell you.

I hope my new decks arrive today, damn couriers I need them for tomorrow as I want to do an amazing job with my set. I see decks as instruments not merely a way of playing music. They are the same one's i used to have which I used to death but they have built in sound effects and you can digitally scratch as they are CD decks and do some amazing stuff with them.

Today I am just nauseous feeling but the anti sickness are helping me with that. I had a good nights sleep and awoke to an amazing gift from julienne (from fabric) A whole collection of there CD's and fabric ice cube tray and fabric's oven glove. I am in heaven and I love you so so much salope I really really do.

So I Guess I better go as have about 20 CD's to work through and will keep me lifted for months.

So the thought of the day is...

I LOVE JULIENNE BISOUS BISOUS

Peace Love and Chateaux Madame

Blog No. 55.

2010-04-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

Today I feel so sick. I woke up with vomit all down my front lucky I didn't choke in my sleep. However Chris (my boy) is on his way over and has the missing cable for a massage chair he gave me so at last I can relieve my back. Its so sore from not being able to do much and pain killers are no longer helping it. I had deep tissue massage a few weeks ago and i felt great for a week.

I will have another one done once my money isn't so tight. Having this illness is quite expensive, with the food I need to eat, extra heating costs, private treatments and the things I save and buy to make me feel better. I do deserve stuff so donations welcome haha.

I hope this sickness goes away by tomorrow I am fed up with it and today feel quite exhausted. Now listening to music to see if it lifts me like yesterday. I did earlier on and had a dance on my bed and maybe that's whats tired me out I don't know.

One of my closest friends or brother as he is to me is up from London he is from Glasgow originally and I can't wait to see him. He is coming to my psychic night on Sunday I am mega looking forward to it. I got to skip the years waiting list as she knew I was ill, freaky eh? More on that in the following days.

I shall go just now as still have a bit of tidying up to do which if I wasn't sick would take five minutes but will take me forty five.

So the thought of the day is...

If you could pick someone as an extra brother or sister who would it be and why?

Peace Love and Visitations.

xxx

Blog No. 54.

2010-04-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday the chemo hit me like a brick. I still felt rubbish until i started to listening to music, now I am dancing in my bed. Like I have caught a bug. Music is my life I guess and without it I am nothing. Love how it's lifted me in an instant. Like a drug.

I have ran out of fags and to scared to go to the shop as I am on cold avoiding duties and the pins and needles are really putting me off. But I went and managed It. I am smoking so much just now, but it's my only vice that and sex.

I think this cycle of chemo is really gonna hit me hard. I feel really rough already, slightly better after the music listening but not a 100%.

I been thinking about my funeral and truly meant what i said a few blogs back except the webcam. I want to put the fun into funeral. a FUN-ERAL. I know people may think it's daft but I want to be celebrated not mourned. I lived life to the full and want to go out with a bang.

Today I am looking forward to seeing my boyfriend tomorrow and getting my new decks tomorrow. My beautiful froggy friend who works for the club fabric (high up you know) she helps with running is sending me a collection of there cd's today cant wait more presents and music.

Julienne is the most amazing salope (french for bitch) that has entered my joyous life. She has taught me things you can't imagine and been a sprit in disguise. LA NUIT julienne LA FUCKING NUIT. J'adore vous mon salope bisous bisous.

OK I am going to go and listen to some music and lift myself.

So the thought of the day is...

Let the music flow into your body and lift your soul for it's the medicine of life.

Peace, Love and MUSIC IS DISEASE

Blog No. 53.

2010-04-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

First of all I shall talk about my appointment today. I didn't get the full results as the radiologist hadn't passed over the original CD ROM of my first scan. But he compared the notes. The cancer and tumour haven't shrunk, but remain the same. Not any worse but not any better. It was a bit of an anti climax but my colitis has gone, my bowel has gone back to it's normal size and the swelling and fluid from my liver has gone.

Basically my bits and bobs look normal. I was also told for sure the my life expectancy is between two to five years. So I now know I wont grow old and will save a fortune on face lifts. I genuinely don't feel sad about this as those of you who know me know I have lived a very full and fulfilling life. Just saddens me I will leave you all behind.

I want a fun funeral, know black and know hymns. I am not religious so don't want a run of the mill funeral. I want sparkle and glitter and indoor fire works. I want my music in my bin bag or coffin and vodka, sailor Jerry rum and Jack Daniels and want a leopard print coffin with a webcam.

Now to change the subject I had the night of stress from hell, which thankfully I can now laugh at. It's almost a sitcom situation. My sister and her boyfriend rolled in from the pub after a whole day alcohol drinking and cigarette smoking. That's usually annoying when your sobre, drunk people I mean. But the night before the most stressful day of my life I was raging.

They had witnessed a typical quiet fight in the pub involving bottles and knives and the police had locked down the pub. So had to listen to them rant loudly about it and I was ready to stab them myself. Then the fiasco happened. Claire's (my sister) boyfriend wanted to lock the flat door to feel safe and used my key. There's two locks on the door and we only use the top one which is what I have the key for, but he managed to use it to lock the bottom one which I have no idea how he managed to do so.

The door would not unlock as Claire's keys where in her bag which was in her boyfriends flat. I was freaking out at this point. We only have windows which open at the top and there narrow. The lock wouldn't unlock no matter what we done.

Steven (the B.F.) managed to undo the window in the bathroom and squeeze out. Still no idea how he fitted and went and got Claire's keys out his flat that crisis was over. But I told Claire I couldn't believe that she got drunk when I had such an important day. And she went crazy as drunk girls do we argued, but being Bro. and Sis. it's expecting from time to time and we always only fall out for five minutes.

I was so angry last night then my sleeping pills kicked in. And this morning we laughed so much about the nonsense the night before. It seems far fetched and if I wasn't there I wouldn't believe it But now it's funny and I something to hold over her head and cast up when I want something so it was worth it.

Today I bought new shoes there pure nice.

So my thought of the day is...

If you could lock someone in a cupboard who would it be and what would you do to them?

Peace, Love and two rotten hangovers (not mine)

Blog No. 52.

2010-04-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

So yes I know I didn't do a blog yesterday but i had this overwhelming feeling of can't be botheredness. Kinda happens to me quite a lot but usually I just get on with it but I was conserving my energy as Freddy and Rosie (who are bro. and sis.) where coming to visit me to watch Priscilla Queen of the Dessert.

Such fun and nice to have a wee dvd night. I love those two they have a relationship like me and my sister, as there just as close which is lovely to see. The two of them are little rays of sunshine in my life and I love them loads and loads.

So tomorrow I get the results of my C.T. scan and I keep getting feelings of real fear. I keep expecting more bad news as haven't had any good news with every visit I have had to the Beatson. I don't how I would cope with bad news.

I have been trying not think about it but the stress has developed in other ways such as my stress stutter and nightmares. Can't handle either of these for much longer. The stutter is making me really self conscious a feeling I haven't had since secondary school. Strange how these things are sub-consciously there and you may not feel it but it shows on you.

I don't really feel stressed emotionally but I know I have been showing it with the stutter, nightmares and the odd snap every now and again. I have no idea what tomorrows outcome will be but please send me all your positive energy, prayers and think of me tomorrow at 1.30 thats when my appointment is. I will update my blog tomorrow when I get home so you know the results.

I can be in the clinic for a few hours so it maybe later on when I update. As tomorrow is the day I have my weight, bloods and side effects looked at. So they know my dosage for tuesday when I next get my intravenous chemo. Doesn't feel long enough the week off especially as had my scan Wednesday, psychologist on Thursday and still not fully got my energy this time round. Then boom Straight back into chemo mode tomorrow.

So the thought of the day is,

Well keep it for tomorrow and it's ME I need your energy.

Peace, Love and ME.

xxx

Blog No. 51.

2010-04-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

At last, I feel almost alive well really good for me. All systems are go. I was feeling really tired yesterday don't know why as I was doing ok on that front for a day or two. But hadn't slept well as had nightmares before my scan and kept waking up with sweats and crying, but can't actually remember what I was dreaming about.

I now have lovely blue steel coloured hair. I love it it's like alien hair. Courtesy of my lover bless him. He also cut my sisters hair and its stunning. He's come in right handy, for lots of things and is just a really sweet beautiful person who I could spend so much time with. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh and make him watch camp movies. Such as Hairspray (the original), Showgirls (one of my all time favourites), Hocus Pocus and so much more.

I am currently making cottage pie for dinner, check me out, but don't really its a ready made meal. I can cook when I put my mind to it. But I just choose not too.

Anyway since I am feeling good I am going to go do something, don't know what but something. So I shall go and enjoy this feeling, such a good feeling of total ecstasy, Love that tune and yes I do wanna marry it.

So my thought of the day...

Cottage Pie or Shepherds Pie?

Peace, Love and Pies

xxx

Blog No. 50.

2010-04-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

So today I had an appointment with my psychologist. Not the most fun day drudging things out realising what I really feel and how lost I actually am. Not knowing where to turn or what direction i need to go in. It's real overwhelming at times. I live a non-existent existence. At times I get to exist but not enough.

I have lots of underlying stress which is coming out in funny ways, I have developed a nervous type of stutter which I find really embarrassing and my throat keeps clicking. It could be due to the medication I am on but the psychologist says it's down to stress. I find it so weird and when it gets worse when I get stressed or nervous or think about it. Funny how these things can effect you isn't it?

I have no and I mean no energy today either. So much for my week off. I am full of stutters and no energy and had most of it filled up with appointments. At least the boy is coming over that will cheer me up and I may meet up with some friends if I can find the energy.

Last night my amazing star of a friend Fredward came to visit me, he's up from London for a wee visit while he's off studying. I am so proud of him as he is truly following his dream and is going to be a force to be reckoned with in the fashion world. He is a star and he doesn't know how much he means to me truly ONE of the massive inspirations in my life. LOVE you ya wee swine.

so my thought of the day is...

P P P P Pick up a P P P P Penguin...

peace love and chocolate biscuits.

xxx

Blog No. 49.

2010-04-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

YES I am fine, I just been having time to myself, I know I ended up in hospital over the weekend with excruciating pain, and got pumped full of morphine, but its to be expected that I get pains as I am sick. So no more "are you OK?" messages please folks if I'm not you will know I am not.

Anyways, on Thursday I went out as had a blast of energy and had an absolute ball and was very messy, sorry art school but yes I am back. Then I was ill from the night out most of Friday. On Friday evening the pain started, I put it down to the night out then it got progressively worse. I phoned the beatson (cancer clinic) and they said it was nothing to with the night out and get to A and E.

I thought great it's 4am on Saturday morning bank holiday weekend, but my sister took me and I was seen straight away. The staff where amazing, but the crap they have to put up with is ridiculous. Don't know how many arrests where made. These people are doing there job HELPING people and they dish out abuse and refuse treatment. It really annoyed me, until the morphine kicked in.

I got out on Saturday afternoon and was fine, the pain came back slightly on Sunday but was OK.

The boy came over Saturday and he left today (wed) He is a very nice form of medicine. He is making me a happy bunny just now and that's all I really want to say, I took him to meet my family on Easter Sunday and they loved him. Bless.

Anyway I am going to eat as I had to fast for 14 hours and I have ti make up for lost time.

Though for the day?

What would you have as your last meal?

Peace Love and Roast dinners...

xxx

Blog No. 48.

2010-04-01T06:44:00.001-07:00

Yes at last I am feeling alive, I thought I would go mental if I woke up today and still felt the same way. Still have the shakes and chemo belly but to feel like I have energy has cheered me up no end.

I don't feel like I am not tired but I feel as good as I can get. Like I have been released. It has made my mood a bit higher too. I can now soldier through this weeks bit of chemo then get this scan and hopefully if the chemo has done anything it will make me go go go.

I am having a day of listening to music trying to find inspiration to make me get on with my own.

Its hard though as I still can't focus maybe I have ADHD caused by canker? I don't know but maybe I have something. Mind you I think canker (what I now call cancer not a spelling mistake) is enough for now.

I am going to go and take it breasy.

Thought of the day....

Wur ye aye?

peace love and night nurse

Blog No. 47.

2010-03-31T03:17:00.000-07:00

So today I am beat. This exhaustion is lasting than last time. I am no way near as bad as Friday but I still feel limited in what I can physically do. I just want to be feeling healthy. Not felt that for such a long long time.

My mood is a bit up as have had a couple of nice days with Chris and he always makes me forget. I miss it when he's not here, I am always stuck on my own, I wish people would come visit me, I know people are busy and sometimes I can't be bothered But my days consist of being in a bubble.

I don't know what time and day it is normally, not as though I need to really But everything is merging and merging and I am scared that I might merge my life away.

The good thing is I have found mental strength, not much as I am constantly battling with myself need it be to get up and shower, have food, concentrate on what I am writing here. But some is there.

I just noticed how thin I am becoming and I am very self conscious about it. Last weigh in over a month ago i was 9 1/2 stone I may well be thinner now, the veins in my legs are sticking out I hate all of my clothes don't fit, my super skinny jeans are now basically just jeans. Belts on everything including stuff that was too tight for me before.

Yeah every girls dream but believe me its not. None of it is so I don't want comments about how being this good its not. Its probably why I am so tired, and yes I am eating.

Just cancer patients get thin. I am paranoid that I am starting to look ill. I don't want this at all or people to lye to me about it. I just don't want people to know I am sick or mistake me for the common Glasgow "junky" look.

funny how my vanity still rears its head when I am dying of cancer or I am really worried is how I look. Well I loved how I looked before and yet another thing this disease stripped me of.

I cant bear it.

So the thought of the day is....

Why do people think thin is good, I think it's hell on ice

Peace love and curves.

I have no bum I miss it...

Blog No. 46.

2010-03-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

So last night was amazing, well eventually it was. I was so exhausted and tired most of the day and at the last minute I got the little boost of energy, It was all I needed. Chris came done my hair did, and we called a taxi at 6pm, I wanted to be there for 6.30 to the meet and great with the ladies. I was starting at 7pm 6.50pm and still no cab.

I was a mess of stress and had to eventually go out into the street with the rain and the cold and flag one. I made it flustered and was only 10 minutes late. But my plan for the evening was wasted.

I was stressed and annoyed for like ten minutes after I got there but the night, what a night. There was 2 bands on before the ladies who where both good. But nothing beats Robots In Disguise live. There energy captivates you and pretty girl playing electro rock n roll with their own guitars gets you no matter what you persuasion is.

The gig was so much fun and I was drunk, I did have to be sick but took anti sickness pills and continued.

The ladies then came and met us in my "local" haunt for a few drinks and we had a laugh. Wasn't a big night out but was just pleasurable and it has done what I knew it would and lifted my spirits and My light got to shine, even for an hour on battery saving mode last night.

My thought of the day...

Whats really the best form of medicine?

Peace loving Robot

Blog No. 45.

2010-03-29T03:27:00.000-07:00

So I got another appointment in my post today. I have to go for a CT scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis are and lots of stuff you have to do for it too, like what you can eat the day before, and having to fast from midnight.

Dint know how it makes me feel, I hope the scan me and say its all been a mistake stop the treatment now, But it doesn't work like that. I wish it did tho. Could you imagine how amazing it would be if I had miraculously healed or that it was a mistake. I could just live again. No more chemicals being pumped into my veins, forced down my neck no more hospitals no more being sick.

JUST NO MORE.

As I am at the stage of no more. No more of any of it. I am currently thinking of stopping the chemo in the next few days. I cant do it anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore I do want to feel alive and leave my life to fate, but I need to think about a little more like how quick would i die and what the other outcomes are.

But I just don't want this anymore, I really want them to give me good news. Maybe after this scan There will be some. I really need it or I am going to snap. Or explode I don't know but whatever ones bigger. I will do it.

I am looking forward to seeing Jodie today he's a theme and a gossip and knows what witches want. I also have the beau coming over today and he's accompanying me while I support Robots In Disguise tonight. Can't wait.

I am going to go and and brush my teeth and get ready.

My thought of the day?

Do you think I will get my miracle?

Peace love and C.T. scans

xxx

Blog No. 44.

2010-03-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

I still in this slump. I wish it would just go. This feeling is so frustrating it eases each day. But not much. I am starting to look forward to tomorrow night. I get to see my Orville, and I am supporting Robots In Disguise in Glasgow tomorrow. One of my all time greatest bands. Check them out on YOUTUBE.

It will be a nice day and night and will take my mind off of how crap I feel just what I really need.

In fact I just need to feel better I wish I was the one in control of anything. I really feel like I am lost in a whirlpool and wish I could find the crack to escape through. Its so frustrating to me that I can't.

I just want my freedom its the precious thing I owned and I worked hard for it. And now its been stolen away from me, that and my bright glow.

I feel like whenever I write this I am so angry or meek but I am not that type of person.

I am gonna drag my sorry self out of this horrible way my mind has stuck in but until keep reading the gloom, Its only my naturally expression.

Thought of the day....

Where's my emergency exit?

peace love and help me escape....

Blog No. 43.

2010-03-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

Well today I am feeling a little and I mean a little more alive. Not exactly jumping around but able to sit up at least. I am just constantly bored. Bored of being sick, Bored of one T.V. programme turning becoming another. One hour becoming the next.

I just wish it was all over and I could have a Long break from treatment. I want to do stuff loads of it so really need to think what I want to do when I am well Enough. I fancy another cruise and jetting off to Miami.

I can feel the sun on my face sometimes. When i think on it long enough I can just feel it. It feels war and nice and like I am human. I keep not feeling human. I almost just feel like a shell who at times becomes alive and gets to be a diamond for just a short while, a real short while then I am empty again.

I feel like that most of my life I have been this being of light and I have shone. I have done more with my life than I could write about tell you about or even show you. I lived it to the full. I now feel like a star but one who's light is slowly is fading and every now and again I get to be the brightest one in the sky for just one night then I have to turn my glow down.

Imagine being the brightest star shining with all the bright stars and then your light is being extinguished and no matter how hard you try or want to brighten yourself you cant glow. that's Kind of how I feel.

Who stole my light?

I have shone on many people and many people have shone on me and never again will I get to be so bright but always remember me as that shining star I was, not the shell I have become.

I guess I just shone too much to soon but I wouldn't change that.

My thought of the day

How brightly are you going to shine?

Peace love and stars baby

Blog No. 42.

2010-03-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

So today I am starting to feel rough. I can hardly move and has taken me until 3.30 to take my first lot of chemo. My stomach hurts and feel like I have hardly been off the loo today. I have zero energy and have spent most of today sleeping.

I feel like when I feel like this the whole world could pass me by and I wouldn't even notice.

I really dont have the energy for this blog or to even come up with a thought of the day so why dont you give me one?

peace and love

Blog No. 41.

2010-03-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

Well last night was emotional. I am feeling better I guess after letting some of my pain out. I didn't get much sleep. I am starting to worry I maybe getting depressed and I need to be very careful of that as it clouds my judgement and opinion and makes you want to quit. I have a mind check up soon so have steps in action to watch what I am doing.

On a happier note I have a guy, he's so sweet and nice and when he's not here I miss him. He gives the best hugs and is just so sweet I wanna keep him in my pocket. I cant believe he has walked into my life with everything that's going on. The brave boy hehe.

I have now been given more sleeping pills just trying to brave the cold outside to go and get them as its pins and needles week.

I am getting bored of daytime T.V. but I can't really focus on much like reading as my mind wanders. I don't even know where it wanders to but it does and I loose the plot with book.

I just don't know whats going on anymore I am a walking conflict, I want one thing then contradict it by wanting something that's the opposite. The one thing I really don't want to become though is a statistic. I wanna live forever.

I mean I am in invincible I always have been. Guess that's why I am finding this so hard. This doesn't happen to me. Falling apart and not being in control. I always believed I was the boss and I was in control and now I have lost that. I am in fact, just lost and there's no map or tourist guide to help me.

I guess I will need to find my own path but, I don't know if I have the time to be looking.

The thought of today is,

If you where me what would you do?

peace love and time...

xxx

Blog No. 40.

2010-03-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

Today I feel physically rough got those damn shakes and the nausea isn't exactly nice. I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown. I just cant cope with anymore waiting around for doctors at appointments, being in clinics, being restricted. Being ill. It's not what I or any one else deserves.

Its like why tell me I am dying and put me through all this pointless painful and emotional stress and hardship. I feel like just take me now then its over. It seems to get worse each time I go and wait for 2 hours to be seen for my 10 minute appointment and then to be told bad news.

I just want them to tell me something positive so I can have something to work on and push me through this but with being told the cancer will only go away for a while and my body's too young to fight it well I am not sad just disheartened.

Mainly that I am going through all this chemo which is horrible I cant describe to you how bad it is. Its just horrible. I am fed up with its like torture as it just goes on and on and seems like it will be never ending.

I don't want to be tortured anymore I want peace and to live. Is that really too much to ask?

am I being selfish asking for the basic liberty that you all mostly have. LIFE

Life is a gift and don't any of you forget that when u worry about a bill not being paid, having a hangover, an argument its so small as whats the worse that can happen? its not like not paying that bill, falling out with someone or being hungover is going to result in your death via the route of excruciating torture first.

My thought of the day is....

Live your life for you never know when it will be taken away from you

peace love and harmonising...

Blog No. 39.

2010-03-23T02:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written for a couple of days its been due to my Internet being down and not me being lazy. I am currently in the hospital starting my third cycle. Today is the intravenous chemo. so four and a half hours of chemicals being pumped into my system. Not fun actually ita the worse part as you cant comfortable, it kind of hurts and its so boring.

I had my check up yesterday and was giving devastating news. They want to give my another 4 cycles of chemo straight after this that's an extra 12 weeks which would mean 30 weeks of chemo. And the longest the cancer will go away for is a year at the most. But more than likely a few months.

The more I have the chemo the more resistant my cancer will become as its genetic. I also have been given 2 to 3 years live. Mind blowing. The reason for this is is because I will stop chemo after these cycles as I cant live I am not living at the moment and the chemo won't give me that much longer anyways.

I feel its useless fighting a loosing battle and unhappy. Who wants to die unhappy certainly not me. I have 3 years to fit everything I want to do into my life. I want to bring people joy and don't want you to cry or be upset because I am at peace with my decision.

Weird eh?

Anyway I am being pumped full horrible chemicals and cant feel my right hand.

My though of the day?

Don't mourn the dead for they are still alive.

Peace love and more peace.

Blog No. 38.

2010-03-20T05:39:00.001-07:00

I cant believe a week has gone past since my club night. Weeks fly in days merge into one for me just now. I still have this abscess but its getting better and that's all that counts.

Today I am going for deep tissue massage as the Glasgow Physiotherapy Centre with a guy called Trevor.

I keep imagining him to be called big Trev on a night out. This is my first massage ever and its for an hour. Hopefully I will come out rejuvenated and relaxed.

Tonight I am also going for a good old knee's up mother brown. Looking forward to that as on Monday its back into hospital mode. Anyway I am not thinking of that just now I still have two days of freedom. Freedom and bliss apart from the mouth infection.

Its really annoyed me this mouth infection as I have had 2 weeks of pill popping and now on my week off have had to stuff myself full of antibiotics the swines.

anyways today's blog is short and sweet as I have loads to do

so today's thought...

Deep tissue massage mmmmmmm.....

peace love and rub downs

Blog No. 37.

2010-03-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

Thank god for anti-biotics. They have almost killed this damn mouth infection after day, and I don't feel like a Lion with a thorn in its paw. Quite a relief I tell thee. I am now out in the country for an overnight to give me wonderful sister some time to herself.

She's so amazing and has been looking after me so well. She always has. I just wish she didn't have to this isn't pleasant for me being ill but I couldn't imagine being in her shoes. Wondering whats going on with her little brother. But she's always there for me and knows exactly what to do and how to make me smile.

She is more than a sister she is my protector, my guardian, my life. I owe the universe to her and more and she doesn't realise how amazing she actually is. That's one of the things I love about her. I am so proud of her and always have been. She is my brightest star in all the galaxy's and the warmest sun in all the universe's.

One day I am going to do something truly amazing for her just so she knows how magnificent she is. Everything I do including this horrible chemo is for her she gives me the power and love I need to soldier on even when I want to quit there she is swinging her toes, fiddling her rings and giving me courage.

Claire I have all this love for you and will never be able to tell you or show you enough because its too huge to show or explain.

She is amazing and one day all her efforts and struggles will be eased and she will be truly shining more brightly than she is now, if that is even possible.

My thought of the day?

Don;t sweat the small stuff it means nothing as long as if you are alive, loved, and have food in your belly and somewhere to sleep, when you realise this you will be happy.

Peace love and sibling-hood!

Blog No. 36.

2010-03-18T05:27:00.000-07:00

OK so I am getting seriously annoyed with this toothache. I went to the dentist he squeezed some of the puss out, but its not as bad although still sore. I have antibiotics and I am annoyed that on my week off chemo and being controlled by pills I have to take antibiotics and feel miserable.

Fed up with the whole lot of it to be honest. I was so looking forward to being able to do something this weekend and now looks like I wont be able to. Fucking mouth. Pardon my french but I am seriously wound up.

I am just so bored of it all. I want it to end. But it just feels like its not going to especially as this could be how I live my life now. Not worth the hassle all this pain, fighting, infections. What kind of life is this.

I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy. It is a living nightmare and 3 months down the line I still keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare. But obviously its real and I won't.

So much of its frustrating even though I am still able to do a little in my life I am not able to fully live my life. You have no idea what its like to have everything you live for snatched away from you I am still grieving my old life.

You can probably tell I have woken up and got out of bed the wrong side. It's just toothache is the worse pain of all as it drags your whole being down and it's the worse thing I could have just now considering my whole system is already down.

I guess I will just have to take some more dihydrocodeine to cheer me up and relieve some pain

so today's thought...

uppers or downers??

peace love and toothache to you all

Blog No. 35.

2010-03-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

I am still not feeling 100% today. I am now on my week off chemo, but due to my immune system being down a have a very painful swelling in my top gum, either an abscess or just an infection. I have an emergency appointment at the dentist.

So I am hoping that this will be better tonight as I cant eat and haven't been able to brush my teeth. I have this before in the same place and the stage its at now usually takes a week or more to get that bad. So it shows you how amazing your functioning immune system actually is. This has basically only came out over night like BANG.

I hate toothache as it drags you down as its a real nuisance and drives you mad. Its the last thing I need just now. I knew that it would flare up and that I would have problems I just hope the dentist can fix it as I have to even be careful of going to the dentist, but my immune system will repair this week and I will be fine so I guess I am lucky in the respect I can go to the dentist.

I was supposed to go to my psychologist today but had to cancel the appointment due to the pain that I am in. I feel mentally fine so it's not a big issue.

I am so hungry and cant eat, I managed some soup and lets be honest it doesn't fill you up now does it. All these things that go on and are happening is enough to give me the boak.

I am going to sleep as today I am feeling very tired and quite shaky not the most pleasant feeling in the world.

My thought of the day...

bight the bullet

peace love and Novocaine for the soul

Blog No. 34.

2010-03-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

Well today's blog is a bit late, I have been exhausted all day and slept most of it. I have a mouth infection flaring up so will have to go and get anti-biotic's tomorrow. Today is also my last day of chemo for a week so will be feeling normal by the weekend.

I am really tired today and have been sick a lot. I got a brand new shiny iPhone today so that's cheered me up, but I need to take it back tomorrow as it wont let me do everything on it. So annoying I wanna play with it and I cant.

I am to tired to write anymore so will just leave you with my thought of the day,

Is vomiting through the nose a bad idea?

peace love and recovery.

blog No. 33.

2010-03-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

well I didn't do a blog yesterday I was too busy enjoying myself. Saturday night was absolutely amazing. I felt like my life was normal for a night and forgot about everything. Was amazing having everyone i know come along. Dancing on tables falling off them.

I got a bit messy (no surprise) but the night was absolutely amazing. And thank you to everyone for making it what it was. I play the music and you supply the love dancing and mayhem and made the night really what it was. I had the most amazing time. So thank you for it.

I ended up some mad tranny's party and I have never laughed so much in my life. Lyndsay you are to funny for your own good. Two people turned up and surprised me one from London, mark and the other Alex who travelled from inverness. It was the best surprise and I cant tell you what that meant to me you two doing that.

I got a bit emotional at the end as I wish my life was what it was and because I was so happy. Happy with all of you who came and happy that I got to do and be where I love.

I feel rough as hell today (Monday) but it has been worth it more than worth it.

I am still lifted from the night and that's just what I needed. amazing.

Thank you guys so much your all my stars.

my thought of the day is...

Dancing on tables or falling off them?

peace love and bruised knees.

Blog No. 32.

2010-03-13T02:10:00.000-08:00

So today is Saturday. I have my club night tonight. I am so excited I cant even begin to tell you. Looking forward to everything about seeing faces old and new. Playing music, dancing and just having fun.

The night is going to be majorly busy which is good for me and good for them too. I am going to spend my day doing nothing. I organised all my CD's last night so that something I don't have to do today. Thank goodness as I am gonna be stressed out doing nothing.

My friend Clara is coming over to mines to get ready after her work. Shes a total riot and good laugh. So looking forward to that and her big bank account way nae money in it haha (private joke).

I am taking my chemo early so that i can judge the side effects and get the tired feeling out the way. So next batch at 6 when I have my dinner.

So my plan of action for tonight is Clara, dinner, chemo, shower, make up, outfit out....

sounds like an easy day but it will all take up so much time. So until Clara arrives I will be doing nothing and will have a nap in the afternoon so that I am totally refreshed for tonight.

Anyway I have just wet myself with excitement so better go and change...

my thought of the day is...

dirty house or naughty electro?

peace love and misbehaving

Blog No. 31.

2010-03-12T10:43:00.001-08:00

Well today's blog is a bit late but i have been preoccupied having a really nice time. So better late than never.

My spirits are higher today as I am feeling better as my system is now tolerating the chemo. Still not amazing tho but my stomach seems to have calmed down, I am sleeping and feel like normal energy levels. I get tired quick like walking to the shop takes it out of me. But still an improvement.

Today I have made an appointment to go and have deep tissue massage. My back is in serious need of it especially as I am mainly lying about doing nothing. The good thing is it boost your immune system.

I am having it done next Saturday on my week off just in time for starting the next lot of chemo. So my immune system will be tip top.

I am currently organising and burning CD's for my club night tomorrow. Have a billion new tracks to sort out so I am going to be mega busy. You have no idea how excited I am about tomorrow.

DJ'ing is my life and tomorrow its going to be a night I will never forget. Everyone I know is coming and that means the world to me. I will probably be emotional at some points in the night but will be due to being happy and also sad that I cant do what I want when I want.

But the night is going to be amazing and so special. So if your coming I look forward to seeing you there and controlling your bodies with my beats.

I AM BACK IN MY SPIRITUAL HOME.

Anyway I am very busy so will leave you with my thought of the day...

Vanilla or chocolate????

peace love and ice cream

Blog No. 30.

2010-03-11T05:04:00.001-08:00

Wow cant believe I have been doing this blog for 30 days. EVERY day. I am usually rubbish at keeping things like this up. Quite a surprise I have managed to get this far without stopping. I am starting to feel OK again now the intro-chemo is wearing off.

My immune system will be down just now so I need to be careful of colds and coughs. So staying in doors is a must until Saturday.

Yesterday my friend Loretta came to visit me and gave me information on cancer fighting foods that are natures chemo. And the prevent you from getting cancer. The best things are red fruits and veg's like red grapes, chilli's and tomato's. Garlic and dark chocolate is also good for killing cancer. So a trip to the supermarket will be in order to stock up on cancer killing foods.

It all makes for interesting reading and there's evidence that food shrinks tumours and can kill cancer cells so nothing to loose.

I think by the end of this I will be a walking chemist/doctor/hippy. I learn so much all the time when my head is clear enough to do so. But its not clear all the time and is always buzzing with info. There's so much to take in I have piles and piles of nooks, leaflets brochures on everything.

I have a nice visitor coming over tonight but its all private so not for your eyes. Looking forward to seeing him and watching hocus pocus awhhh hahaha boooook.

My body is like a broken boiler today. One minute cold next minute sweating its not a good look for me.

I got another box of sweets in the post from cousin Louise. She's a bit potty but she is my cousin so I will accept her with open arms (and sweets). Its sweets you used to get like sweet tobacco and golden nuggets gum and a wham bar OOOOoooo.

I love getting stuff in the post I am awaiting a parcel from America which i hope arrives for Saturday as my whole look revolves around it. I will be gutted if it don't come in time major gutted.

I am going to go as that box of sweets has shouted on me...

So my thought of the day is...

What would you do for my last rolo?

Peace love and sugar daddies

Blog No. 29.

2010-03-10T03:33:00.000-08:00

I don't feel as bad today as the last 2 days but its still early and I hope it doesn't change. I have the dodgy chemo tummy so taking lots of anti sickness and diarrhea pills. Wont go into to much detail about my stomach but its not pleasant. My energy levels are a bit higher today and typing doesn't feel like a marathon.

But none the less I am still feeling drained and sick. But just not as bad. I have less than a week of this round med's left so I am more than half way through this cycle. Once I complete this cycle I will be 1/3 through this load of treatment. Sounds like a milestone but i still have 2/3's left to do.

Once I start the next cycle in 2 weeks I will be on my half way through, cycle which is when I will be really pushing through this. As I can see me getting to the end. Well what could be the end for now. I just hope that I get a break at the end of this as I don't think I could do much more.

As you can tell I am slightly sick and therefor slightly down. I am quite demotivated with it all. But give me next week when I am off and I will be OK until I have to start it all over again.

The thing that's starting to grab me is jade goody. We all made fun of her. Now I find myself in her shoes. It nearly a year since her death and I look at her life and I wonder if that's whats going to happen to me. I am not trying to jump on her band wagon but its scary this disease. And she is proof of how terrible it all is.

She like me didn't know she was ill and it was too late. I am too late to get fully better and I know its going to kill me. I just don't know, when but she at least had an idea.

I think of all the things I want to do and I don't know if there's any point doing them as what is the point in things, stuff places people. we are nothing but vessels seeking something out only yo never find it. Maybe the ones who don't seek are truly happy. But then we all seek something need it be happiness, love money or enlightenment.

I am never truly satisfied and now know I for one never will be.

My thought for the day...

Should we keep chasing?

peace love and races.

Blog No. 28.

2010-03-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

Another day of nothing. Glad I have this club night to do on Saturday. Something to physically look forward to. I have the total chemo exhaustion. All I want is a shower and I cant get the energy to do it. Not one bit of life about me today at all. Such a struggle to do nothing just now.

I don't care how tired I am or if I am sick Saturday is going to be amazing. It has to be. I will put on my performers face and smile and force out a dance. Funny how simple everything can seem when its all so complicated. I found my simpler life complicated when I knew what I was and was able to do.

Funny how that now I don't know whats going on its all the simple things I notice. Maybe I am now just a simple boy I don't know.

I am still trying to find the drive to get washed. Its hard to describe to you this feeling of no energy. It's not like when your tired you would sleep. Its not that kind of tired at all. Mentally awake but your body's still in bed kind of thing.

It gets frustrating being tired. Being crabby and snappy. Not realising your being like a lion with toothache. Getting wound up at yourself more so than at others. So if any of you get in my way OOPS ha ha.

I think today will just be another blank day of daytime T.V. picking at food, maybe washing, and pill popping. See simple.

I am starting to feel quite breathless again usually happens with all this nothing I do. I excerpt myself and get puffed out. I am only typing and I feel like I have done an hours exercise. In fact I think its took me that long to type this much.

I am going to go now and try to cleanse myself and shave as I am getting annoyed and smelly...

my thought of the day is...

dry clean only or drip dry?

peace love and suds

xxx

Blog No. 27.

2010-03-08T06:53:00.000-08:00

So today I have woken up at 2 in the afternoon. I feel like hell today. I have zero energy and been feeling very nauseous. Here was me starting think maybe this time I could get away with it. That this time I would be fine. Obviously not.

I knew that today would be the day I would start feeling "sick" for some reason I knew it.

Glad I managed a few days feeling OK tho. Also happy I managed to do some things nice at the weekend.

I hope I don't feel too sick for too long as I have the return of my club night on Saturday. Its going to be major and so I will have to be too. I really don't have the energy today to write this blog so I am not going to bother writing anymore I just want so sleep.

See as I said yesterday, one day at a time and on this day I want to sleep...

My thought for the day is...

If you could sleep through life would you?

peace love and dreams

Blog No. 26.

2010-03-07T05:11:00.000-08:00

Well a busy wee day I had yesterday. I met up with some amazing faces from London and had a good old laugh for a few hours in town. Was soo nice to kind of have that little feeling of home again. I really miss the place.

I had to buy earphones for my next DJ gig and bumped into a friend I have not seen for years. We went had a drink and my plan was to go out for drinks with people from London. I ended up getting a bit drunk early on in the day so didn't make it onto to going out. I only had 3 drinks and was sloshed. I mean how cheap have I become these days. Three drinks and I'll be under table.

I am quite gutted I didn't make it out last night and today I feel really tired and quite terrible, exhausted. Maybe I pushed myself to far yesterday, but do you know what? If I didn't what else am I going to do? I am starting to learn the true value of the saying, take each day as it comes.

It's becoming a life lesson for me taking each day as I never know what the next will hold for me, its a hard concept to truly grasp hold of but I am having to. So when I feel like I can do something I am going to do it. I guess it's the small bits I can do that are going to get me through the next few months.

I wish it was all over and I could have a normal life again. Normal to me, no restraints, being free and not having to think about the deep dark psychology of life and the stuff that surrounds it before and after.

It bothers me that I will no longer be anywhere near as free as what I was. I feel like I am becoming a creature of control and comfort. Here do this... sure great.... is how my life seems to be moving these days.

I just want to be me again and not be lost anymore I am trying to find my way but don't where I am trying to find it too...

I guess one day at a time is all I can expect out of life at the moment and that is what I am going to have to abide by.

So my thought of the day is...

Be free and just do it no matter what it is for life and time may pass you by and you could have done nothing at all.

peace love and today

Blog No. 25. thought for the day oops i forgot

2010-03-06T03:15:00.000-08:00

I wrote my thought for the day and it hasn't displayed it so here it is if you can't see it

Guess the dolly's birthday???

peace love and no resistance

Blog No. 25.

2010-03-06T02:51:00.000-08:00

So today is Saturday and after having the most delightful night with Chris, I feel happy relaxed and he gave me the best form of medicine, affection. I am a cat by nature so I lapped up his hugs and attention. Some things didn't go to plan but the night but I wouldn't have changed it.

He has now vanished to go to work. And now I have a few hours to myself, downloaded a million new tracks so having a good old comb through with my ears. One is called Lipstick by Sandra Flynn ft Avril Paul. It has a real sexy house groove, and there talking about being pimped. NICE.

I now need to plan my day as have visitors up from London I need to see. I really want to go outside, But I don't now if I can with the pins and needles I get with cold which will last a few more days. I am going to try going to the shop and see if I am OK and can decide then.

Its so frustrating as physically I am feeling fine but I still have all these restrictions on myself, and I am no way used to that. I like being free and my instincts still need to change to cancer cold mode. I keep forgetting and touch a tap or walk on floor without slippers and this pins and needles stabs me, like knives.

I am going to go and get ready as I have a whole load of pills and whole load of stuff to do...

but

just for today i will be agreeable. I will look as well as i can, dress like a freak, talk low, act courteously, criticise not on bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a programme, I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.




so my thought of the day is...

Whats the dolly's birthday???

peace love and no resistance

xx

Blog No. 24.

2010-03-05T01:40:00.000-08:00

So as I am watching Jeremy kyle's cocaine special I am writing this with the shakes of an addict.

I am so excited for this weekend. I have friends and visitors and I don't care how much I need to force myself I am seeing them.

I am still a lot better than last time, I am sleeping which I think is making the difference. I just have the shakes a lot and the cold and temp. change between rooms is a pain in the neck. But I have stuff look forward to and I am going to do as much as I feel I am fit too. I know what I can and can't do this time.

It's all a learning process. I am still learning and adjusting, especially after having the week off treatment and getting back to normal, my instincts return to normal like touching cold stuff.

Ooft heavy no no.

I still hate being locked away and wish I could just go out and do things. Its so hard not being able to get out and about. I have no sense of my freedom anymore, I am a prisoner of myself.

Its OK though as I have thing to look forward to this time and I kind of know what to expect with side effects etc...

I will still get sick as each day the chemotherapy attacks our body's cells. I feel its the chemo that drags my mind down as I loose myself in whats going on inside my mind and my life.

I am still mentally more upbeat than a few days ago, all my decisions and wishes are made for my life and I have accepted them and I am at peace with what may happen.

Just for today i will try to strengthen my mind. I will study, I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I Will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do- just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings hurt, as they may be hurt but today I will not show it.

My thought of the day is

If just for one day what you be or do?

Peace love and las vegas.

PS if you comment on blogs please do on most recent entry as I don't get notified of comments and have too many entries to check now thanks.

xxxx

Blog No. 23.

2010-03-04T03:48:00.000-08:00

well what can I say. I am still feeling fine. I am really surprised. The last time I was at this stage I couldn't do anything on my own. I am now feeling a bit more independent. Maybe I have found my strength again. There is a lot of I stuff I have to accept about like never getting better, but I now feel like I am not going to curl up , but instead live what I have left of my life no matter how long or short that is.

I have been getting re-united with old friends all the time and its nice. But being annoyed by too many people I don't know trying to offer me help like do stuff for me. I REALLY appreciate the thoughts but I am constantly barraged. None the less I love that your thinking of me.

Today I have my cousin Lisa coming to visit me, we are the same age and were so close. She now has a baby and is married and I can't wait to meet the little munchkin.

I am starting to get more positive mainly because I don't feel as ill as the last time. This doesn't mean I have changed my wishes about stopping treatment if I feel its not worth it. I have an amazing weekend to look forward to. Friends up from London and a friend visiting me tomorrow.

I still get the pins and needles and shakes so back on top of the washing machine it is to counter act them so I can type. I have my heat pads on stand by though, but I am missing the air on my face.

My grandfather is still in hospital and wish so much I could visit him. But I don't think I could face seeing him sick. And I cant risk infections as my immune system isn't strong enough to fight back.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up there minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it.

My thought for today...

what you going to do to be happy?

Peace love and Pat Ferrari

Blog No. 22.

2010-03-03T02:55:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling the past few days with everything. When off the chemo I feel so normal, like I am fit and healthy. My cancer still has no symptoms and it freaks me how seriously ill I am without feeling ill.

I almost refused the chemo yesterday but forced myself through it. As you got the love I need to see me through.

I had my drip chemo yesterday and now about to start on the tablets. I have a nice weekend to look forward with London visitors and an old friend coming to visit.

i feel so much better compared to last time i had it. the drip chemo gives off stronger side effects than the tablets but its only day one so will have to see, as it all may change.

I have to get re-used to all the control over my life that I need to follow. I have bad pins and needles in my hands and feet but have these magic pads I soak in boiling water and the heat takes it away.

I know my blog yesterday was dark an bleak but people I love need to know these things.

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

so my thought of the day....

Just for today what are you going to do?

Peace love and one day at a time

xxx

blog No. 21.

2010-03-02T01:36:00.000-08:00

I though i would write today's entry a bit earlier today. I have completed my first cycle of chemo. Today I start my second. I had to go into the clinic for a check up. I found out that the chemo could be an ongoing thing. I don't want that and have made the decision to only do a maximum of two courses.

I feel like I am already dead as I don't have my life. If I didn't have to be alive for other people I would stop. I cant tell you how horrible it all is. I have to think about arrangements for my funeral as I don't know how long I have left and it has to be my kind of funeral. Nothing religious and no black clothing. I want it to be fun and loud. That's me as a person and I want it to be celebration not a mourning that can be done in private. I have been forced to think about these things.

Such a strange feeling knowing how you are going to die. I do and its not best. The reason I have decided to have to doses of chemo is because without I feel fine. I am in n pain nothing. I would rather have a quality of life rather than prolonged horrid existence.

I have my intravenous chemo today the one that makes me ill for about a week. Tonight I know I am going to feel like s**t. Its horrible and I feel like I no longer have it in me. The reason I put those lyrics up is because its whats getting me go on. Kind of like being cheered on at a 100m race at sports day.

After today I shall need 24hr care attention which I hate as I am a normally a private person who needs alone time. I not had any of that for such a long time. I really want to go away on holiday after this. I hope I will be able too.

Travel insurance can cost upto 500 pounds for me now that I am sick. Robbing bas*ards. Everything has changed now I have this and it was the weekend of my life that rubbed it in as today I am back into the grind of it all. It honestly feels like a job in a way a very stressful job.

I feel like nothing is going to change again. I have something to look forward this week. Seeing someone who i have not seen for such a long time. Cant wait to so him.

I have got in touch with a psychic who is amazing. She told my friend who I haven't spoken to for 5 years that someone male who's name begins with P needs to watch his bowel. When we got in touch and got chatting about it all he told me about it and he couldn't believe it ALL.

She has a years waiting list and that's how long he had to wait but she is coming to see me in April and told me everything will be OK and she knows I am ill. I told her nothing and that she was expecting my call.

Everything is all over and I am been driven up the wall by it all but my mind is made up on what I want and I cant do this forever as I will fall into a million pieces.

I am going to have to go as need to sort a lot of stuff out this morning.

So my thought of the day is...

jeremy kyle or trisha goddard?

peace love and falling apart

xxx

Blog No. 20.

2010-03-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

You make this is lazy but its what Is in my head today. My mantra.

Sometimes I feel like
Throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying
Lord I just don't care
But you've got the love I need
To see me through

Sometimes it seems that
The going is just too rough
And things go wrong
No matter what I do
Now and then I feel
That life is just too much
But you've got the love
I need to see me through

When food is gone
You are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know
My saviour's love is real
Your love is real

Every once in a while
I say Lord I can't go on
Every once in a while
I get to feeling blue
Every once in a while
it seems like I am all alone
But you got the love
I need to see me through

Occasionally
my thoughts are brave and friends are few
Occasionally
I cry out Lord what must I do
Occasionally
I call up Master make me new
You've got the love
I need to see me through

Sometimes I feel like
Throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying
Lord I just don't care
But you've got the love I need
To see me through

todays thought....

I got the LOVE

peace love and loving

Blog No. 18/19.

2010-02-28T09:18:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I decided to to take the day off. Not off from my blog, but off from cancer. So not writing the blog was part of it. On Friday night I went to my friend Rosie's house. Before we went there we went to the brunswick hotel where I used to work and met my friend Stephen and Zoe. Two of my faves. Then Gill came and met us there. To have a night in the pub was amazing. Just being surrounded by fun and lively people, people who don't know I'm sick.

We headed to Rosie's house. We drank, we danced, we sang and I was surrounded by three total babes. Her boyfriend stoo had made us thee most amazing ginger ale scones. Little tastes of heaven they where, he also donated to me a very stunning black rabbit fur, Russian hat.

After Rosie's house i went Nice 'n' Sleazy's. Didn't have to Que as my pal Bonner was on the door. I saw loads of familiar faces Including my odd shoe G. What a blast I had dancing in the basement, laughing at people and drinking and just being "normal" It felt like the night of my life I was teary at some points just because I was happy. Haven't felt that in a long time. That buzz of being out, having fun. First Fun I had in months and boy did I grab with both hands.

After the dancing had stopped, I went to my non matching shoes house. A few people showed up and we had such a laugh. Just like old times. Kris and gill popped over later and we had a nice cosy chat and cigarette. Don't ask gill what she's doing as she's just dancing hahahaha.

After a rest it was time for my "holiday" my overnight trip to largs. Going to stay at my sisters boyfriend, Stephens parents house who are away on holiday. I was exhausted. But what a time I have had. Its only about 40 minutes from Glasgow and is a seaside town. Amusements, fish and chips, ice cream parlours, pubs and wind. I have decided the look of the village is windswept.

Even the signposts have the look of the season. We decided to start drinking as soon as we got there. One in the afternoon. The vodka I must say revived me. We headed into the village where it all goes on. We had a delicious lunch, and i had delicious cocktails. Bought myself a fancy lighter to cheer myself up. I bought 2 scarecrows as well.

After lunch and shopping we headed back to the house with more alcohol and cigarettes. We got rather merry and ordered windswept Chinese food. Magnus my sis's b/f's friend ordered it and ordered sooo much food we actually had a buffet. There was whole of portions of food leftover when we departed today.

We then got ready and headed to quite a nice bar in the village. After about 10 minutes I was really tired. Couldn't finish my drink so went home. My sister stayed out with her b/f and I went into a coma. I got to bed 11pm and slept until 7.30 this morning.

I woke up refreshed as I paced myself with the alcohol. This morning we went to the famous nardini's for ice cream. The place has been there since the 1930's and is its original art deco wonderfulness. The ice-cream was an orgasm in my mouth. So delicious. I had sundae with honeycomb toffee chocolate and more chocolate with vanilla milkshake on the side. An overdose of ice-cream me thinks YUMSH.

We then went to a little shop and bought some gifts and headed to the amusement arcades.

Won no money but had a blast on 2 roller coaster simulators. They where hilarious made me and sister bang our heads together (we needed it). After that we wanted to ten pin bowl, but it was booked up. :-( swines.

I am now writing this on my way home in the car (thank god for dongles) I would like to thank everyone who has played part in this weekend from the bottom of my heart, even those of you are not mentioned. For making this thee most fun time for me. I feel chilled and almost ready for hospital mode tomorrow for my blood tests, then Tuesday back onto the chemotherapy.

So for my last night of freedom I am meeting up with la roux aka Georgia for drinkys (yes more) and a right good laugh. Cant wait.

So until tomorrow I will leave you with my thought of the day...

who ate all the prawn toast?

peace love and hairspray

Blog No. 17.

2010-02-26T08:41:00.000-08:00

I am now back in Glasgow and feeling my good old (bad) self. I have just been to see my psychologist and got the process of mental healing (again) back on track. I managed to have a good cry and they are going to be seeing regularly which is good. They said the emotions are going to be like a ripple effect. They are a really good team where I go and being seen by the same people, who for some reason remembered me.

The one of things I worry about is my mental health. I am well again thanks to the lithium. But with all this stress I am scared I may get ill. That would be catastrophic.

I am really looking forward to my night at rosies tonight. Shes so sweet and beautiful and I know we will dance on pillows like the good old days so that the neighbours downstairs don't hear us banging. I hope her boyfriend has had is apron and been baking. apparently he's really good. I will let you know. I am excited for drinks and cakes haha, how modern.

Tomorrow I go to largs to stay for the night and will be going to the best ice cream parlour, nardini's It will be amazing they do irn bru flavour ice cream. I used to love an irn bru or red cola ice cream float. I am gonna have sundaes and a milkshake, double ice cream heaven.

I have a malteasers bunny to eat gonna bight its head off and eat it mmmmm.

So i will now leave you with my thought of the day,

What is salt made from?

peace love and pillow dancing

xxx

Blog No. 16.

2010-02-25T09:51:00.000-08:00

Oops like horny 13 yr old girl I'm late. Sorry for the delay but i got distracted visiting my granny.

She has Alzheimer's and takes up time. She does make me laugh tho she has a great sense of humour. And some the things she comes out with are crazy. She has about ten handbags stuffed full of money and can never find any of them.

She packed my pops stuff for the hospital. Just as well we looked in it first as it was a bra nightdress and her slippers. I know its a shame but it was so funny even she laughed.

I am glad to be having this week off today I feel really good. Have got in touch with 2 people i have not heard from for a long time. I missed both of them very much especially my friend G. It was my fault me and him lost touch and I will have to do a lot to put things right. Its not for all your ears what happened.

He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We where so close and he is so the opposite of me image wise. People would be like how did you even meet. He's a big straight guy and I am the gay tattooed freak we looked so odd next to each other. Like when someone wheres shoes that don't match there outfit. It has made me so happy to hear from him today.

Good things are happening, like my dinner being made, Cajun chicken it smells so good. The snow is still ball deep here and I am worried that I am going to get snowed in. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so need to get back to Glasgow.

I also need to get back as going to my friend rosie's flat for a night of alcohol and cakes. I am soo looking forward to a good old knees up. Will be nice.

I am staring to get p**sed off at people asking how I am. So in future read this and If I am not good you will know hahaha.

I like this feeling of goodness I have today, combination of reacquainting with old friends and time of chemo and feeling a lot less lousy.

My thought of the day is...

Should vegans and vegetarians be allowed to eat meat flavoured stuff?

peace love and yum yum times.

xxx

Blog No. 15.

2010-02-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

You'll never guess, go on try. I managed to get a 12 hour uninterrupted sleep. I feel so refreshed today. I feel like I could go out and actually do something. Only draw back... there is 4ft of snow outside. I am not exaggerating. The front door cant open. Trust me and my good luck. So today is a day for hot chocolate and chocolate and whatever else. I am craving all food so will eat and eat until I am sick.

Today my pops is doing a little better. He didn't have anymore seizures last night and slept most of the night. He has managed to sit up today also. I am unable to go to hospital to visit him, 1 due to snow, and 2 due to the fact I cant risk getting any sort infection. My family loves the hospital. I think we are addicted to it theres always one of us in there. I feel like that's all my life is, hospitals, home visits, and GP's.

I have a bit of block today on what to write about. I am quite speechless today. So rather than write about nothing and cancer I think I will give you all a rest rather than spoil this blog.

So my thought of the day is...

Past? Present? or Future?

peace love and diet coke break

xxx

Blog No. 14.

2010-02-23T06:33:00.001-08:00

I managed to have on ok'ish nights sleep. I went to sleep early so woke up early. I am now nitrazepam. Its wonderful. It takes a while to send you to sleep but before it does for about an hour you feel nice and fuzzy. I feel very relaxed today.

Last night my very sweet and beautiful friend Rosie came to visit. She gave me lots of sweets and ice cream. Guess what I am now able to eat it and she brought me my favourite, Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie. I ate the whole tub and it was such a relief to get rid of that craving. She also brought a tub of hagen daazs (if that's how you spell it) pecan and toffee. That's still unopened. The feeling of relief was as good as when you are desperate for the toilet and get to go and you go ahhhhhh.

I am now out in the countryside visiting family for a few days. As soon as I arrived I went to my grandparents house and literally as soon as I arrived my grandfather who is quite ill took a seizure and has now been taking to hospital. We have been assured that he should be ok. But its a scary thing to witness. I don't seem to be able to avoid hospitals and nurses. I must be cursed.

I am in a good mood (apart from worrying about my pops) as I have one more dose of my chemo to take tonight then have a break for a week. Its such an amazing feeling to know I have a break. Even though i still need to be careful and will still be sick but not to be controlled by pills is a nice feeling.

I received a nice gift and letter from my recently reunited cousin louise. It was a wee tiny angel in a glass heart. It strange as I believe in angels and you may think I am mental but I have seen them when I actually died 3 times in hospital a few years ago. I wont go into that but my friends no what happened. The strange thing about angels is they have no faces. The theory is because they are celestial beings, not dead humans promoted, us humans cant comprehend what they look like. So the gift has a lot meaning to me. Strange how she randomly picked it and thought of me.

Today I have an appetite and been feeling hungry which i have been savouring the feeling of before eating as I forgot what's like and its actually quite pleasurable. Weird eh?

So today I am gonna stuff my face as much as possible. Speaking of which I am gonna sign off and raid the fridge till it's empty.

Today's thought...

Is gluttony really a sin?

peace love and an empty fridge

xxx

Blog No. 13.

2010-02-22T02:40:00.000-08:00

Yes tomorrow is my last day of chemo for a week. I cant wait to not be regimented by these tablets. Forcing food down at awkward times just to take them. And a break from the daily struggle taking them. This is the week when my immune system is really down and when i get sick so its not much of a break. But just to not HAVE to take them means I can relax a little.

As you know i had a bit of dram at the doctors on Friday. But its been sorted out and they couldnt apologise enough. I also had my swine flu booster jab today. Not pleasant feels like being punched in the arm. Whilst in the waiting area I changed seat about six times. every time I moved someone else would sit next to me and be coughing. I would move to where there was loads of seats and each time they would sit right next to me. I thought how inconsiderate. So I had my gloves and scarves over mouth must've looked odd. with that and changing seat every 2 minutes.

Yesterday two of my very good friends came over to visit jo and kris. What a laugh we had making fun of jo, I wont say what about I think he had enough abuse for one day. Kris was very kind and gave me a copy of logic pro for my mac. Its a programme that allows you to make music. Its amazing and does so so much so now I have something to occupy my time and to phone kris up every 5 minutes and annoy him when i cant do something.

We had home made spaghetti bolgnaise home made by lovely glamorous assistant I mean sister claire. I feel exhausted today. Must have been too much excitement yesterday.

Being exhausted is starting to really get on my nerves. Its such a hard feeling to describe as its a tiredness without being tired enough to sleep. Just no energy and a great feeling of can't be bothered. I feel like I am forcing myself to do a lot of things but I need to do that otherwise I would do nothing at all. But its still hard getting used to doing nothing.

By the time I get energy back I am straight into chemo again. The joys of it all. I really wish I didn't have anymore to go when i start next week I will have 15 weeks left. Still a lot but a little less. I am hoping to get away in the summer to rest in the sun. Hopefully I wont have to do more chemo after this. I really think I would struggle with the thought of that. Continuing to live without living.

Its quite strange how normal my life can seem to me sometimes then I think or gt reminded that I am missing out on so much of the little things. One of my friends went to London and it was frustrating I wasn't there to take part in the fun. I really miss having fun. I will be honest I am not having fun at all just now and that's the one of the hardest things of this. If i was on the waltzers I would want to get off, but life's not a funfair just now and I cant get off.

Funny how i always talk about daft things like ice cream and waltzers. I must be 5 in the head. Oh well.

So today's thought is

salted popcorn or sugar?

peace love and roundabouts

blog No. 12.

2010-02-21T02:55:00.000-08:00

So all day i was excited for going the pub (bar bloc+) where i used to dj. When I went at about 9.30 I had butterflys. Cant believe I was excited about the pub. I had a great wee hour. I even managed to have an alcoholic drink or 2 but no more. I had sailor jerry rum and coke. Was to little glasses of heaven. I already know I am now a cheap date. As i was a little merry after.

A good thing happened tho. I got offered my old club night back and we have sorted out to do when I am on my good week. So anyone from glasgow come to bar bloc on march 13th and I'll show you what dj'ing is. and if you font know me i will give you wee list of who I have played with in london.

mutya,

sam sparro,

skin (skunk anansie)

V V brown,

Kissy sell out,

dan guliesspie sells, (the feeling)

siouxsi sioux (what a legend)

there are many more but I only give out samples.

I am really lookig forward to doing what i love again. It might be tough but as far as I am concerned it will be worth it. A night of my normality. Which is pretty weird so yeah as bruciey would say..... come on down.

I managed to sleep last night as a doctor came out to see me and gave me lorazepam. I was out for about 10 hours and it was heaven. I have eneough for tonight til i go to my docs tomorrow to shout at them about the meds they gave me.

I found out those meds could have been quite harmfull to me as the decrease your white blood cells. which is what chemo does too. But to add to that could have made me really ill. So i need to drag my sister along to make sure I dont go to crazy. Also getting my second swine flu jab tomorrow. Thats going to be fun.

I also got a mouthwash for my ulcers which numbs the pain away. It works straight away and lasts 3 hours or so, Its heaven. I think I could become addicted to it because the feeling of relief it gives is indescribable. Heaven in a glass bottle me thinks.

I feel like I am on a bit of a journey to myslef to show that even tho I am sick I am still me. I do have to change a hell of a lot. But if little bits of me can still come out then i think i will be ok.

The thought of dj'ing again fills me up with hope that I can still have some sort of life and will be able to see all my friends while I am doing it.

I am going to do some cleaning today how exciting so i will now leave you with my though of the day...

if you where chocolate would you eat yourself?

peace love and musique

blog No. 11.

2010-02-20T02:34:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I felt quite nauseous all day. Wasn't good. I am nearly at the point where i get break from my chemo for a few days. Tuesday will be the last day i take my home chemo until the week after I can't wait to have a rest from these pills. Apparently it's the week off when you feel sickest. So we will have to wait and see. but just having a break will be nice.

I called the doctor yesterday to sort out some sleeping tablets. I got so excited at the thought of having a good nights sleep. I am starting to forget what an actual long deep sleep is. The stupid doctor gave me pills called FUPENTIXOL. Its the WRONG stuff. I looked this stuff up on the net once I had got them to see what they where as they didn't come with the exciting leaflet. They are an anti psychotic and cause insomnia.

I can't tell you how annoyed that made me. Honestly I could have killed someone. And as i got them in the evening I now cant do anything about it until Monday. I thought YEEEESSSS I am gonna have a nice sleep tonight. Then i get the wrong thing. Its the receptionist fault getting the phone convo wrong or mixed up. Why do the receptionist at the doctors think they are doctors because they work in surgery. oh well.

I am thinking of coming to Glasgow as so far today I feel ok. I am going to go the pub. Don't worry I am not going to drink. I attempted to have one drink last night. but after 3 or 4 sips i felt rather sick. I may also go out for food i check me. But yes tonight I will be out will be amazing to see people.

My sister will be coming with me to make sure i am ok. so if anyone i know in Glasgow is free tonight then come along and say hi.

I don't how much tv i have watched over the last few months but i think i am addicted to it hahaha. I still cant believe it was stacey i am honestly shocked. Cant believe that I am having feelings about tv. I have gone slightly mental being locked in the house. Maybe the doctor did prescribe the right thing?

Anyway I am off to have a breakfast of galaxy chocolate and pancakes. I have become a real chocoholic. MENTAL.

today's thought...

how do you eat yours?

peace love and anti psychotic madness.

blog No. 10.

2010-02-19T03:17:00.000-08:00

I am not coping with my lack of sleep. All the sleeping meds I am on no longer work. I am taking 5 of them instead of a half an I am still awake at night. I toss and turn and then i manage about 2 or 3 hours sleep. I am hoping the doctor will change my prescription for me today.

I am constantly cranky and my body is always aching. I might need to go for a massage soon but feel quite embarrassed of my body as I have lost so much weight in the past month or so. I am 6ft 2" and weigh just over 9st. Sorry I use old school measurements. I am a child of the eighties.

I am so excited for sunday as I will have software for my mac that will allow to make music. It will be such a release to do something I love. And I have so much time on my hands just now I will be able to submerge myself in it.

I miss dj'ing but i feel its something i will still be able to do. Just once a month. Its my passion in life and its all i have ever wanted to do and was doing it. But to not do that isn't an option. I have been told one of my old nights is welcome back so I am going to consider it and will probably do it.

Yesterday I took the first steps In pausing my London life. I have given my landlord and friend and flatmate/friend notice. I move out officially in April.

It feels weird knowing I wont be living in london. It makes sense as me and my sister will get a flat together in may so I will have my own space.

I am going to miss living with my friend billy. We have had the best time. I never want that to end. We met at a bus stop he asked do you want to move in and I did. Fair enough I had already known him 10 years but had lost touch for about 3 of those. And bumping into him on my birthday in may last year at a bus stop in vauxhal was so random then to move in. We would say that random people we'd just met for years "hi do you want move in" and then he says it to me and it happens.

I will miss him lying on my sofa telling me to zip and moaning about me smoking. He makes a gid dinner and would always say Shhh!!! through his bedroom wall to me.

we'd dance in the morning getting ready for work and party in the flat on the weekend and speak to no one else but us.

He would obsessivley talk about madonna and womens high heels, and all the stuff he was going to buy with his next wages. He never bought any of it having spending all his money on other stuff. I would nag him to do my hair every five minutes so we would have a hollywood salon and sit for hours hacking and tinting my hair. The laughs we had and our banter. everyone we knew had a nickname to us. I wont tell you any of them here.

But this time has come to an end and I will miss it dearly. He's an amazing guy and he's been there for me when I've needed him. I would kill for him. I am so happy to have him and the same goes to all of my friends.

Dont worry guys you'll all get your own mention eventually.

thinking about all our madness makes me smile.

I am going to miss london but most of all its the people I've come to know I will miss more. and more than that I'll miss the fact that all of my friends where just a tube ride away.

love you all guys

my thought for today is

red lorry or yellow lorry?

peace love and beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice.

ps is it sunny outside?

blog No. 9.

2010-02-18T04:31:00.000-08:00

So Yesterday I was supposed to go to the maggies centre. By the time I it taken me to get ready I was exhausted. So in return had to cancel my day out. Its so frustrating that I cant plan anything. I am used to having stuff to do and knowing when I am doing it. The only things I know I am doing no matter what are my hospital appointments.

So an excitng life of sitting in waiting rooms and offices.

wish I could be paid by the hour for being there cos I would make an absolute fortune.

Something out of the blue happened yesterday. My half sister got in touch with me via facebook.

quite a shock hearing from someone you have lost touch but at the same time it gives me comfort. Funny how things like this happen. I think the whole things strange not my sister, but me having cancer.

I dont know if thats a real feeling to have about it but I do think its strange. I often ask out loud how the f**k do I have cancer. especially as i had no symptom of it. How can I actually be as seriously ill as I am and feel ok? WEIRD.

I have a huge craving for chocolate today. galaxy bubbles and galaxy caramel and malteaser bunny's are all being hanckered for. And the good news is... I can eat them and I will be going to get them and boxes of them. It's going to be great to be able to have something I actually want. Not like that pesky ice cream. But chocolate will be good.

Must be as today I am feeling quite down. Had a rough night and today I am just down. Its like part of me has died. well it has as I will never return to my own life the way it was again. I know your all saying being positive but I am being positive. But right now I am being realist.

I know whats going on in my body and feel how it all affects me. I also struggle to go outside. I looks ill and like a big bag of bones and have lost a bit of me in this process. Maybe I need to go on this morning for a makeover?

But I have definitely lost myself. I feel like paul with cancer now rather than just paul who dj's, paul whos nuts, I am always going to be looked at as sick whether people realise it or not. But i am and this has taken over my whole life. I need to adapt but i don't want to adapt why should I? I never changed for anyone in my life before so why should I do for cancer. But its not been a conscious change its been a forced one.

I dont when I shall find these answers and I dont want sympathy and tea. I dont like tea and sympathy is destructive

so donate a 1000 pounds into my bank instead theres stuff I need. You could consider it charity

hahaha.

todays thought

what would Ian beale do if he was in my situation?

peace love and galaxy caramel

xxxx

blog No. 8.

2010-02-17T03:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday evening a very amazing friend of mine started a healing circle for me. I was given a task to do and it took a lot out of me to focus my attention on something. I find focussing hard mainly because i am so tired. Reading at the moment is out of the question as i just forget the last sentence I read. But I did try and managed to do well and I felt quite nice after doing it. I have to imagine a ball of violet light protecting my liver. I have to ask my angels for help too. I will be doing this and I cant thank my friend enough for all her help and advice.

So today I feel so tired and my whole body aches but I will get whacked out on dihydrocodene and and have a ball to myself.

I am going to go to a place called the maggies centre in Glasgow. Its a place where they offer lots of different services and treatments for people with cancer. They do cookery courses, dealing with cancer workshops, complimentary therapy's, counselling and art classes.

All the stuffs free which is a bonus. Hopefully I will find something there I can go and do.

Would be nice to have something to do so I can feel normal for a couple of hours.

Hopefully its not full of old people making cups of tea. And hopefully its not depressing.

I would normally avoid going to this type of place as I feel being surrounded by illness can make you worse. But this time I actually feel like it will be a good idea and will help me.

I guess only one way to find out.

Yesterday the district nurse came out to change my dressing on my PICC line. So i now have the glamorous sharps bin that makes a home a home in glasgow.

I better watch the sharps bin incase people on the street think we're getting above our station.

Today my mouth is quite sore each day its getting worse. My tongue is real tender. It feels like its going to explode in ulcers. Its one thing I cant stand is ulcers. I feel them coming out in my tongue and the roof of my mouth. I have a horrible mouth wash which tastes like cow dung to use on it though.

Why can't they make any of this easy?

So i know today I am gonna be a grump. Sore mouth and me don't mix.

So as I sit here waiting on my ulcerated lisp to arrive i will leave you with todays thought....

would you give away your last rolo?

peace love and rice krispies...

blog No. 7.

2010-02-16T04:28:00.000-08:00

I feel my last few entry's I havent really had so much to say. Its probably because I am not doing a huge of amount stuff at the moment.

It humbles to know how many people are reading this. I am shocked that today its over 1000 reads and only i started it a week ago.

well as i said yesterday was a day in the hospital. The highlight of my week haha. I met the doctors, nurses, chemists and psychologists all doing my care thers a team of about 11 or 12.

They are all nice people and you cna tell they care about what they are doing.

I cant go on enough about how good the care is at the beatson. It has the best reputation in europe for cancer care and the professor in charge of my care is a world authority in cancer care.

Also the macmillan charity do amazing work, they offer you help with expenses, so m,uch emotionall support and if you need nurses at home they provide that too. They have given loads of info on what to expect and advice how to deal with the side effects.

I am now back in glasgow for a few days staying with my big sister. She's a very good nurse and is looking after me very well. I need a lot of it just now so I am lucky i have people around me.

so yes I was also shown the images from the scans that where took in London. I was shown what the cancer looks like and where it has spread too. There's so much of it. its Millimetres away from my liver, which is also all inflamed. and its all through my abdomen. loads of big grey mass.

I now know what I am battling and its going to be a hell of a fight.

But I will fight it that's all i can do.

I also have some decisions to make as I may have to move back to Glasgow as the recovery time after chemo is a year. And as my spread is incurable I may need to keep going with chemo for a year. I need to be where I can be looked after but London is my home.

My life is there. My friends are there. And London's there.

Its so strange how 2 months ago I was living a normal life working, dj'ing partying and in one night its all changed.

I do feel like I've been robbed.

And I wonder if i will ever have my normal life again but I wont as I need to re-invent myself. Maybe Madonna does re-inventions for charity???

Some good happened today. My cousin louise got in touch. Its weird as a few people I have often thought about have come flying out of nowhere. Its nice having people you love in your life. its funny how when something happens you seem to pull everyone back together again. I for one is a believer in this.

Its now 12.30 so i need to go and force feed myself food so i can take the first dose of todays chemo.

I hope something exciting happens today so I can give you a thrilling read tomorrow

todays thought is...

how do you get the rain up onto the sky in the first place???

peace and ice cream

blog No. 6.

2010-02-15T03:45:00.001-08:00

What a day of days it is today. Talk about rain outside its pouring down. And on the day I get to go outside. I am not going to the funfair before you ask, or for ice cream... mmmm.

Today I have a trip to the hospital. I am writing this whilst waiting on the hospital transport to come along. I get to see what the cancer spread looks like, I have already seen the tumour so today its the spread in my abdomen. I am quite nervous about it as no matter how bad I think it is just now its all visual in my mind. Its not real.

But at least today I will get to see what I am battling. What this f**king thing is.

The hospital have also arranged for me to meet the team doing my care so will be interesting to see what people are doing.

I would rather stay in doors and out the way as I am feeling lousy today. No energy at all and the thought of being in the hospital for a few hours isn't thrilling me. I have a sore mouth and its starting to ulcer so they better give me stuff for it or I'll snap.

I dont wanna say to much today as I have to get ready for the hospital now and instead I am doing this. I need a secretary...

todays thought....

wonderbra or wonderwoman???

peace love and cheese...

blog No. 5.

2010-02-14T03:07:00.000-08:00

So todays valentine's day how lovely for all us lonely whacko's.

I had a nice day yesterday I had friends come and see me which cheered me up. It took a lot out of me but it was worth it. I get more side effects each day and even more tired. I got to feel the breeze on me yesterday for 5 minutes which was amazing. Well until I started to choke on it no joke. Funny how something so small gives me so much pleasure.

I am slowly and I mean slowly finding the strength to go on with this. Its true what they say about it being a battle. Its a true battle of will, a battle of mind, a battle of body and a battle of soul. Every part of me is fighting and each day I loose a little of myself thats the price I feel I may have to pay.

I have a craving for ice cream today which wont go away and as i can't eat the stuff I know I am gonna go mad. I mean insane i want ben and jerry's chocolate fudge brownie with all those lovely chunks in it. Feeling it go down and satisfy me is all i can think of. I would even settle for an ice cream shake. MMMmmmm.

The good thing about this is I have to eat all the things that are bad for you. Loads of fatty sugary stuff to keep my weight up. There are things I have to avoid too such as, yoghurt as it contains live bacteria which can give me bugs and those bio drinks, the healthy stuff really. I find that strange.

Not as strange as not being able to eat ice cream. Maybe i will try some and just suffer?

God am I becoming obsessed with ice cream? I may have a problem I may need some professional help.

I may try going out in the air for 5 minutes again as yesterday that was amazing. It was like velvet at first soft and sweet and the smell of the air was magical. It kinda of danced around my senses and made me dizzy until it hurt me. Like a mean ex wife it teased me and danced around me until it took away my joy.

I am probably ranting today as cabin fever may have taking its toll on me?

I shall go now as I will start talking about ice cream again... mmmmmmm...

todays thought...

ben and jerry's or haagen daazs??

love and rocky road...

blog No. 4.

2010-02-13T02:45:00.000-08:00

So its now Saturday and how strange i no longer miss the weekend. I used to live for the weekend. The weekend is what its all about right. I don't seem to know what day of the week it is most of the time. Its almost a wee bubble I am in.

Today people will have hangovers and self inflicted pains and be in bed regretting much of friday night. How I miss that. waking up wondering what did I do last night.

Today I have a good dose of the shakes so its almost like i went out last night. Don't have much energy even the daylights bothering me. I feel a bit more upbeat than yesterday so it must have been jeremy kyle in the background making me morbid.

Todays quite a strange day as I have been getting prayed for. There is a saint called padre pio who's relic is travelling the world. I have it. It arrived today. He died of cancer and has cured people of this disease. I am not a religious person but to be picked and allowed o have something so precious is a wonderful gift. Its something on a pin that he wore. But to have something that belongs to a saint is pretty cool in anyones book. They are doing a special blessing and mass for me which is humbling, I don't know these people and as I said I am not religious. But I still think it's beautiful.

I just wanted to share a little today as I am really tired and have some visitors coming out to see me so should rest and bathe which Is gonna be harsh grrr.

so todays thought is

If my finger was hanging off would you tell me? I know if your a true pal by your answer by the way.

peace love and hula hoops

xxxx

Blog No. 3.

2010-02-12T02:13:00.000-08:00

Omnipotence is a word that came into my head yesterday. Don't know why. I didnt even know what it meant until I looked it up last night. Hours after it came into my head and been ringing about there all day. for those of you that don't know what it means

omnipotent |ämˈnipətənt|adjective(of a deity) having unlimited power; able to do anything.• having ultimate power and influence : an omnipotent sovereign.

Wonder why it been in my head all day?

hopefully its a sign as i need one especially now as this treatments starting to take its toll on my body. I can hardly move and I am shaking.

Fed swallowing pills the thought of it makes me feel sick. Its really hard to do anything. Even speaking drains me. I have to keep going but I also feel like packing it in. I question myself if living is really worth the hassle as I dont know anymore. I dont feel like dying yet so I guess I have answered my question.

I been dreaming a lot about how much I took for granted. How much we all do. Maybe this is what I have to learn from this, or is it you thats reading this that needs a lesson?

I miss being, i miss having, and I miss not being scared. My old life has gone now and as I figure out what my new one's going to be like I wonder if I want it.

This is all a bit mad right?

Theres so much in life I have still to experience. The one thing that scares me the most is that I won't have that magic love affair. It sounds terribly sex and the city especially as I feel like carrie as I type. But I cant not have that experience. I also wonder is this all I am going to achieve?

So many things seem so fake and pointless.

Yesterday came the news that alexander mcqueen had killed himself. Normally that would have bothered me. Its tragic yes. But I didnt know him and the fakery of peoples respects bother me.

Life seems like one big fake thing, your born sent to school, made to work then you eek out a restless existence waiting to die.

I must be feeling morbid today or maybe its jeremy kyle in the background thats getting me?

Some things I type will be hard to read there even hard to type. But being honest is the only thing I have right now.

It's now time for me to take todays first lot of chemo and it's the last thing i wanna do. I just wanna go outside and feel the air on my face but i can't in case I choke on it. Gives me an excuse to be lazy i guess.

I dont have to much to say today and typing this is really hard physically.

So today's thought is

cheese n onion or salt n vinegar??

love n stuff.

xxx

Blog No. 2.

2010-02-10T07:57:00.001-08:00

So where to start today?

I started writing todays blog yesterday trying to get ahead of my self. I don't think thats the way to do this as so much goes on and i feel different about yesterday than what I do today,

Surprisingly I felt ok yesterday morning when i woke up. But its only the second day of treatment.

I got up and had a bath as I was really dirty (no surprise). After I ate i had to wait half an hour then take the first lot of the tablets. Its 3 big ones and 2 smaller ones. There pink so they look fun at least. Swallowing them was a chore and 2 hours later i still feel ok. I do those ones twice a day at least 8 hours apart.

I will give a list of medication at the end of this entry so you can see what I am doing. Not everything is for cancer. But I have plenty of time and plenty of space to write about what everything's for.

The first set of tablets took a while to give any effect and it was mainly feeling drained. A weird sensation. Not tired but just no energy. It wasn't to bad and had disappeared after a few hours.

Then the second dose was due at 9.15pm. Same thing again. Nothing to major.

The only problems I had last night was not being able to sleep even on a cocktail of diazepam, temazepam, and zoplicone.

Last night was a rough night emotionally. I keep getting overwhelmed with feelings, all different about this disease. I felt like I am unable to go on with this and that its too much. That feeling is always there. I do have the strength to suppress it. It still rears its ugly head and I cried for hours. I don't feel like poor me or anything like that. But I have battled bi-polar for 10 years now and that was some fight. So this one seems like a kick in teeth after just getting well enough to live.

But i don't where the strength will come from and I wonder is all this fighting worth it?

Of course it is but this journey is so strange and that's the main feeling I have. It's like a real life soap opera my life except i can't change channel or be written another part.

I get nervous each day about what effects I am going to have as each day you get more. The chemo attacks every cell in your body, even the good ones. By next week I will be in hell. But hey I like hell this time of year.

The really random thing about the post days is I feel incredibly amorous to say the least. I feel like a 15 year old again, it's so funny. Who knew getting sick and pumped full of chemo would turn you on? maybe I shall start a new fetish and sell my meds online?

So now Wednesday and its treatment hour. This blog was probably quite crappy today but I am sick so I have an excuse.

thought for the day???

I like prawn cocktail skips...

peace love and trisha goddard.

PS med list (hold on tight)

Co-dydramol (dihydrocodine painkiller) 500/30mg every 4 - 6 hours

Dexamethasone (antis sickness/steroid) 2.5mg 3 times a day

xeloda (chemotherapy) 1800mg twice a day and at least 8 hours apart

lithium (mood stabiliser bi-polar) 600mg a day

zoplicone (sleeping pill) 7.5mg at night x 3

diazepam (relaxant) 10mg when needed

temazepam (sleeping pill) 10mg at night x3

I have more but thought that would be a wee teaser...

jealous???

Blog No. 1.

2010-02-09T12:02:00.000-08:00

I have started this blog mainly as a release. A release of my soul.

I was diagnosed with bowel cancer on DEC. 31st 2009 or there about, but it's all a bit of a blur. And what a life changing moment that is.

hearing those words, "Mr Nicholls you have cancer."

I cant describe to you the feelings i have gone through. Its almost a feeling of grief.

I will go on about this later. First things first, I guess I should start this journey for you at the beginning.

It all started in December 2009. Around the 14Th I would say. I had recently changed my diet and about then i ended up constipated. Was working the Saturday at my job in Year Zero. I ended up in pain during my shift and was sent home early.

I was blocked up for around 2 weeks but not in any pain and expecting it all to pass and thought it was all down to the change of my diet from junk food, to eating very healthily. Had even cut out drinking fizzy juice.

So i continued my life just hoping i would pass some sort of movement.

about 10 days later I was coming up to Glasgow to celebrate Christmas and stay with my sister and see family. Was still blocked up though. On a family visit was giving various potions and pills to try get things moving.

The night it all went wrong was Sun. 27th Dec 2009.

Me my sister and some friends decided to go have a few drinks as i was leaving for London on Monday evening. after about an hour or so of being out i developed severe pain in my abdomen area. I was so bloated looking to i looked like a pregnant woman and felt it.

We left early and i eventually got home and slept right through until it was almost time to leave for the train station on my Monday. I was in severe pain. no jokes.

My sister asked me to stay but as I wanted to go back to my job on the Tuesday i demanded to go. Especially as I love my job. I miss it everyday.

So anyways I make the train and have a first class ticket.

I couldn't even sit up. That's how bad it was. I looked like a heroin addict, all drawn and shaking.

About an hour into the journey i start being physically sick. I couldn't hold any water. One sip and a pint came out in return. The journey was four and a half hours of hell. I cant tell you.

Here i am in first class on virgin, taking up 4 seats, crying like a madman and vomiting every chance i get. I even saw someone i knew in the same carriage as me. I felt like an idiot.

Throughout the whole journey I was wondering how the fuck am i going to get back to my house in clapham from euston. I couldn't even stand.

Eventually I got into london euston just before midnight. Don't remember much other than I must have made it from the platform into the main part of the station and collapsed.

Next thing I remember is these station guards questioning me about what heroin i had been taking.

I may have been lying on the floor half conscious vomiting up bile, but i had a £300 raf simons bag on my possession which i pointed out.

So...

an ambulance arrives for me and the paramedics dope me up. I keep thinking what a waste of time. I am working tomorrow I am just constipated. The doctors have to carry all my bags so I had some good service at last.

I kept thinking I was wasting the hospitals time as they didn't seem to know what was up with me.

Its now Tuesday morning so I have to tell everyone where I am. By this point the doctors told me it was my appendix and i signed a consent form for surgery. They spoke to family etc... and notified what them of what was going on.

Then the scan results came back. "It's not your appendix, we have noticed something in your colon we want to investigate"

So i was wheeled to another word. Where everyone seemed sick. later that day i was sent for a colonoscopy. That wasn't as much fun as you would think. I was watching it on the screen. And when they came to the tumour my heart sank a little then i heard an "oh" from the doctor.

After that scan i was sent back to my ward. The head doctor came and spoke to me and explained what they had found. Saying the found a large 4 cm tumour in bowel and to prepare for the news being cancer. they said its showing all symptoms and looks like that was the case.

That was a strange moment. I didn't feel scared or upset as I didn't think it would come back as cancer. They took a biopsy and placed a stent over the tumour so i can now pass at the toilet.

my sister arrived down on the 2Nd of January and about a day or 2 after they came back.

I was so nervous. A real feeling of fear kicked in as i met the team. I knew what was coming.

They sat down and explained to me and my sister that I had a large tumour in bowel that's at least 5 years growth and that the cancer has spread through my abdomen as i just missing my liver. The oncologist is there and Goes into a little a detail about my treatment.

I have to have chemo but no surgery as they cant cure the cancer.

My life literally stopped. I didn't cry or get upset. I was actually relieved to know.

Most of this time is a blur to be honest. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and the agreed to let me out on the condition I come home back to Glasgow for treatment as i am going to need 24 hour care.

My life has felt like a roller coaster. such a cliche I know, but its true.

I am no longer in my beloved London which bothers me as its my home. I have kept my flat on so i can still feel her heartbeat in me.

I shall skip forward a until now and whats going down.

Today is the 10Th of Feb. I started chemo yesterday. I had my first infusion drip. Not pleasant.

I am currently shaking like mad so this is really hard to type. I also have pins and needles in hands and feet.

here is a list of some i need be aware of.

Avoid cold at all costs as will cause me spasm,

Breathing cold air will cause me to choke,

Don't drink cold drinks, all at room temp.

Don't go into the fridge.

Don't go into busy places in case i get infections,

There's loads more but i not experienced any of them yet. I will update as i go.

So now on day two of my chemo.

Chemotherapy works in in cycles.

One cycle for me is as follows:

They are on 3 week schedules. so,

Day one go to clinic and have intravenous chemo

Day two I start taking chemo tablets at home for 2 weeks

then third week i have off.

I have initially to do this 6 times so 18 weeks of treatment. This likely to be an ongoing thing as I will always have cancer.

I start my tablets today which i have 10 a day and i am going to do a pill count today to see what the hell I am putting into my system

i shall go for just now and update tomorrow for you.

Hopefully the shakes will have died down so I don't feel like I'm typing on top of a washing machine!!!!

peace love and oh I forgot i sky+ the Simpson's.