Blog No. 25. thought for the day oops i forgot

I wrote my thought for the day and it hasn't displayed it so here it is if you can't see it

Guess the dolly's birthday???

peace love and no resistance

Blog No. 25.

So today is Saturday and after having the most delightful night with Chris, I feel happy relaxed and he gave me the best form of medicine, affection. I am a cat by nature so I lapped up his hugs and attention. Some things didn't go to plan but the night but I wouldn't have changed it.

He has now vanished to go to work. And now I have a few hours to myself, downloaded a million new tracks so having a good old comb through with my ears. One is called Lipstick by Sandra Flynn ft Avril Paul. It has a real sexy house groove, and there talking about being pimped. NICE.

I now need to plan my day as have visitors up from London I need to see. I really want to go outside, But I don't now if I can with the pins and needles I get with cold which will last a few more days. I am going to try going to the shop and see if I am OK and can decide then.

Its so frustrating as physically I am feeling fine but I still have all these restrictions on myself, and I am no way used to that. I like being free and my instincts still need to change to cancer cold mode. I keep forgetting and touch a tap or walk on floor without slippers and this pins and needles stabs me, like knives.

I am going to go and get ready as I have a whole load of pills and whole load of stuff to do...

but

just for today i will be agreeable. I will look as well as i can, dress like a freak, talk low, act courteously, criticise not on bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a programme, I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.

so my thought of the day is...

Whats the dolly's birthday???

peace love and no resistance

xx

Blog No. 24.

So as I am watching Jeremy kyle's cocaine special I am writing this with the shakes of an addict.

I am so excited for this weekend. I have friends and visitors and I don't care how much I need to force myself I am seeing them.

I am still a lot better than last time, I am sleeping which I think is making the difference. I just have the shakes a lot and the cold and temp. change between rooms is a pain in the neck. But I have stuff look forward to and I am going to do as much as I feel I am fit too. I know what I can and can't do this time.

It's all a learning process. I am still learning and adjusting, especially after having the week off treatment and getting back to normal, my instincts return to normal like touching cold stuff.

Ooft heavy no no.

I still hate being locked away and wish I could just go out and do things. Its so hard not being able to get out and about. I have no sense of my freedom anymore, I am a prisoner of myself.

Its OK though as I have thing to look forward to this time and I kind of know what to expect with side effects etc...

I will still get sick as each day the chemotherapy attacks our body's cells. I feel its the chemo that drags my mind down as I loose myself in whats going on inside my mind and my life.

I am still mentally more upbeat than a few days ago, all my decisions and wishes are made for my life and I have accepted them and I am at peace with what may happen.

Just for today i will try to strengthen my mind. I will study, I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I Will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do- just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings hurt, as they may be hurt but today I will not show it.

My thought of the day is

If just for one day what you be or do?

Peace love and las vegas.

PS if you comment on blogs please do on most recent entry as I don't get notified of comments and have too many entries to check now thanks.

xxxx

Blog No. 23.

well what can I say. I am still feeling fine. I am really surprised. The last time I was at this stage I couldn't do anything on my own. I am now feeling a bit more independent. Maybe I have found my strength again. There is a lot of I stuff I have to accept about like never getting better, but I now feel like I am not going to curl up , but instead live what I have left of my life no matter how long or short that is.

I have been getting re-united with old friends all the time and its nice. But being annoyed by too many people I don't know trying to offer me help like do stuff for me. I REALLY appreciate the thoughts but I am constantly barraged. None the less I love that your thinking of me.

Today I have my cousin Lisa coming to visit me, we are the same age and were so close. She now has a baby and is married and I can't wait to meet the little munchkin.

I am starting to get more positive mainly because I don't feel as ill as the last time. This doesn't mean I have changed my wishes about stopping treatment if I feel its not worth it. I have an amazing weekend to look forward to. Friends up from London and a friend visiting me tomorrow.

I still get the pins and needles and shakes so back on top of the washing machine it is to counter act them so I can type. I have my heat pads on stand by though, but I am missing the air on my face.

My grandfather is still in hospital and wish so much I could visit him. But I don't think I could face seeing him sick. And I cant risk infections as my immune system isn't strong enough to fight back.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up there minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it.

My thought for today...

what you going to do to be happy?

Peace love and Pat Ferrari

x

Blog No. 22.

I have been struggling the past few days with everything. When off the chemo I feel so normal, like I am fit and healthy. My cancer still has no symptoms and it freaks me how seriously ill I am without feeling ill.

I almost refused the chemo yesterday but forced myself through it. As you got the love I need to see me through.

I had my drip chemo yesterday and now about to start on the tablets. I have a nice weekend to look forward with London visitors and an old friend coming to visit.

i feel so much better compared to last time i had it. the drip chemo gives off stronger side effects than the tablets but its only day one so will have to see, as it all may change.

I have to get re-used to all the control over my life that I need to follow. I have bad pins and needles in my hands and feet but have these magic pads I soak in boiling water and the heat takes it away.

I know my blog yesterday was dark an bleak but people I love need to know these things.

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

so my thought of the day....

Just for today what are you going to do?

Peace love and one day at a time

xxx

blog No. 21.

I though i would write today's entry a bit earlier today. I have completed my first cycle of chemo. Today I start my second. I had to go into the clinic for a check up. I found out that the chemo could be an ongoing thing. I don't want that and have made the decision to only do a maximum of two courses.

I feel like I am already dead as I don't have my life. If I didn't have to be alive for other people I would stop. I cant tell you how horrible it all is. I have to think about arrangements for my funeral as I don't know how long I have left and it has to be my kind of funeral. Nothing religious and no black clothing. I want it to be fun and loud. That's me as a person and I want it to be celebration not a mourning that can be done in private. I have been forced to think about these things.

Such a strange feeling knowing how you are going to die. I do and its not best. The reason I have decided to have to doses of chemo is because without I feel fine. I am in n pain nothing. I would rather have a quality of life rather than prolonged horrid existence.

I have my intravenous chemo today the one that makes me ill for about a week. Tonight I know I am going to feel like s**t. Its horrible and I feel like I no longer have it in me. The reason I put those lyrics up is because its whats getting me go on. Kind of like being cheered on at a 100m race at sports day.

After today I shall need 24hr care attention which I hate as I am a normally a private person who needs alone time. I not had any of that for such a long time. I really want to go away on holiday after this. I hope I will be able too.

Travel insurance can cost upto 500 pounds for me now that I am sick. Robbing bas*ards. Everything has changed now I have this and it was the weekend of my life that rubbed it in as today I am back into the grind of it all. It honestly feels like a job in a way a very stressful job.

I feel like nothing is going to change again. I have something to look forward this week. Seeing someone who i have not seen for such a long time. Cant wait to so him.

I have got in touch with a psychic who is amazing. She told my friend who I haven't spoken to for 5 years that someone male who's name begins with P needs to watch his bowel. When we got in touch and got chatting about it all he told me about it and he couldn't believe it ALL.

She has a years waiting list and that's how long he had to wait but she is coming to see me in April and told me everything will be OK and she knows I am ill. I told her nothing and that she was expecting my call.

Everything is all over and I am been driven up the wall by it all but my mind is made up on what I want and I cant do this forever as I will fall into a million pieces.

I am going to have to go as need to sort a lot of stuff out this morning.

So my thought of the day is...

jeremy kyle or trisha goddard?

peace love and falling apart

xxx

Blog No. 20.

You make this is lazy but its what Is in my head today. My mantra.

Sometimes I feel like
Throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying
Lord I just don't care
But you've got the love I need
To see me through

Sometimes it seems that
The going is just too rough
And things go wrong
No matter what I do
Now and then I feel
That life is just too much
But you've got the love
I need to see me through

When food is gone
You are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know
My saviour's love is real
Your love is real

Every once in a while
I say Lord I can't go on
Every once in a while
I get to feeling blue
Every once in a while
it seems like I am all alone
But you got the love
I need to see me through

Occasionally
my thoughts are brave and friends are few
Occasionally
I cry out Lord what must I do
Occasionally
I call up Master make me new
You've got the love
I need to see me through

Sometimes I feel like
Throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying
Lord I just don't care
But you've got the love I need
To see me through

todays thought....

I got the LOVE

peace love and loving