Blog No. 54.

Well yesterday the chemo hit me like a brick. I still felt rubbish until i started to listening to music, now I am dancing in my bed. Like I have caught a bug. Music is my life I guess and without it I am nothing. Love how it's lifted me in an instant. Like a drug.

I have ran out of fags and to scared to go to the shop as I am on cold avoiding duties and the pins and needles are really putting me off. But I went and managed It. I am smoking so much just now, but it's my only vice that and sex.

I think this cycle of chemo is really gonna hit me hard. I feel really rough already, slightly better after the music listening but not a 100%.

I been thinking about my funeral and truly meant what i said a few blogs back except the webcam. I want to put the fun into funeral. a FUN-ERAL. I know people may think it's daft but I want to be celebrated not mourned. I lived life to the full and want to go out with a bang.

Today I am looking forward to seeing my boyfriend tomorrow and getting my new decks tomorrow. My beautiful froggy friend who works for the club fabric (high up you know) she helps with running is sending me a collection of there cd's today cant wait more presents and music.

Julienne is the most amazing salope (french for bitch) that has entered my joyous life. She has taught me things you can't imagine and been a sprit in disguise. LA NUIT julienne LA FUCKING NUIT. J'adore vous mon salope bisous bisous.

OK I am going to go and listen to some music and lift myself.

So the thought of the day is...

Let the music flow into your body and lift your soul for it's the medicine of life.

Peace, Love and MUSIC IS DISEASE

xx

Blog No. 53.

First of all I shall talk about my appointment today. I didn't get the full results as the radiologist hadn't passed over the original CD ROM of my first scan. But he compared the notes. The cancer and tumour haven't shrunk, but remain the same. Not any worse but not any better. It was a bit of an anti climax but my colitis has gone, my bowel has gone back to it's normal size and the swelling and fluid from my liver has gone.

Basically my bits and bobs look normal. I was also told for sure the my life expectancy is between two to five years. So I now know I wont grow old and will save a fortune on face lifts. I genuinely don't feel sad about this as those of you who know me know I have lived a very full and fulfilling life. Just saddens me I will leave you all behind.

I want a fun funeral, know black and know hymns. I am not religious so don't want a run of the mill funeral. I want sparkle and glitter and indoor fire works. I want my music in my bin bag or coffin and vodka, sailor Jerry rum and Jack Daniels and want a leopard print coffin with a webcam.

Now to change the subject I had the night of stress from hell, which thankfully I can now laugh at. It's almost a sitcom situation. My sister and her boyfriend rolled in from the pub after a whole day alcohol drinking and cigarette smoking. That's usually annoying when your sobre, drunk people I mean. But the night before the most stressful day of my life I was raging.

They had witnessed a typical quiet fight in the pub involving bottles and knives and the police had locked down the pub. So had to listen to them rant loudly about it and I was ready to stab them myself. Then the fiasco happened. Claire's (my sister) boyfriend wanted to lock the flat door to feel safe and used my key. There's two locks on the door and we only use the top one which is what I have the key for, but he managed to use it to lock the bottom one which I have no idea how he managed to do so.

The door would not unlock as Claire's keys where in her bag which was in her boyfriends flat. I was freaking out at this point. We only have windows which open at the top and there narrow. The lock wouldn't unlock no matter what we done.

Steven (the B.F.) managed to undo the window in the bathroom and squeeze out. Still no idea how he fitted and went and got Claire's keys out his flat that crisis was over. But I told Claire I couldn't believe that she got drunk when I had such an important day. And she went crazy as drunk girls do we argued, but being Bro. and Sis. it's expecting from time to time and we always only fall out for five minutes.

I was so angry last night then my sleeping pills kicked in. And this morning we laughed so much about the nonsense the night before. It seems far fetched and if I wasn't there I wouldn't believe it But now it's funny and I something to hold over her head and cast up when I want something so it was worth it.

Today I bought new shoes there pure nice.

So my thought of the day is...

If you could lock someone in a cupboard who would it be and what would you do to them?

Peace, Love and two rotten hangovers (not mine)

xx

Blog No. 52.

So yes I know I didn't do a blog yesterday but i had this overwhelming feeling of can't be botheredness. Kinda happens to me quite a lot but usually I just get on with it but I was conserving my energy as Freddy and Rosie (who are bro. and sis.) where coming to visit me to watch Priscilla Queen of the Dessert.

Such fun and nice to have a wee dvd night. I love those two they have a relationship like me and my sister, as there just as close which is lovely to see. The two of them are little rays of sunshine in my life and I love them loads and loads.

So tomorrow I get the results of my C.T. scan and I keep getting feelings of real fear. I keep expecting more bad news as haven't had any good news with every visit I have had to the Beatson. I don't how I would cope with bad news.

I have been trying not think about it but the stress has developed in other ways such as my stress stutter and nightmares. Can't handle either of these for much longer. The stutter is making me really self conscious a feeling I haven't had since secondary school. Strange how these things are sub-consciously there and you may not feel it but it shows on you.

I don't really feel stressed emotionally but I know I have been showing it with the stutter, nightmares and the odd snap every now and again. I have no idea what tomorrows outcome will be but please send me all your positive energy, prayers and think of me tomorrow at 1.30 thats when my appointment is. I will update my blog tomorrow when I get home so you know the results.

I can be in the clinic for a few hours so it maybe later on when I update. As tomorrow is the day I have my weight, bloods and side effects looked at. So they know my dosage for tuesday when I next get my intravenous chemo. Doesn't feel long enough the week off especially as had my scan Wednesday, psychologist on Thursday and still not fully got my energy this time round. Then boom Straight back into chemo mode tomorrow.

So the thought of the day is,

Well keep it for tomorrow and it's ME I need your energy.

Peace, Love and ME.

xxx

Blog No. 51.

At last, I feel almost alive well really good for me. All systems are go. I was feeling really tired yesterday don't know why as I was doing ok on that front for a day or two. But hadn't slept well as had nightmares before my scan and kept waking up with sweats and crying, but can't actually remember what I was dreaming about.

I now have lovely blue steel coloured hair. I love it it's like alien hair. Courtesy of my lover bless him. He also cut my sisters hair and its stunning. He's come in right handy, for lots of things and is just a really sweet beautiful person who I could spend so much time with. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh and make him watch camp movies. Such as Hairspray (the original), Showgirls (one of my all time favourites), Hocus Pocus and so much more.

I am currently making cottage pie for dinner, check me out, but don't really its a ready made meal. I can cook when I put my mind to it. But I just choose not too.

Anyway since I am feeling good I am going to go do something, don't know what but something. So I shall go and enjoy this feeling, such a good feeling of total ecstasy, Love that tune and yes I do wanna marry it.

So my thought of the day...

Cottage Pie or Shepherds Pie?

Peace, Love and Pies

xxx

Blog No. 50.

So today I had an appointment with my psychologist. Not the most fun day drudging things out realising what I really feel and how lost I actually am. Not knowing where to turn or what direction i need to go in. It's real overwhelming at times. I live a non-existent existence. At times I get to exist but not enough.

I have lots of underlying stress which is coming out in funny ways, I have developed a nervous type of stutter which I find really embarrassing and my throat keeps clicking. It could be due to the medication I am on but the psychologist says it's down to stress. I find it so weird and when it gets worse when I get stressed or nervous or think about it. Funny how these things can effect you isn't it?

I have no and I mean no energy today either. So much for my week off. I am full of stutters and no energy and had most of it filled up with appointments. At least the boy is coming over that will cheer me up and I may meet up with some friends if I can find the energy.

Last night my amazing star of a friend Fredward came to visit me, he's up from London for a wee visit while he's off studying. I am so proud of him as he is truly following his dream and is going to be a force to be reckoned with in the fashion world. He is a star and he doesn't know how much he means to me truly ONE of the massive inspirations in my life. LOVE you ya wee swine.

so my thought of the day is...

P P P P Pick up a P P P P Penguin...

peace love and chocolate biscuits.

xxx

Blog No. 49.

YES I am fine, I just been having time to myself, I know I ended up in hospital over the weekend with excruciating pain, and got pumped full of morphine, but its to be expected that I get pains as I am sick. So no more "are you OK?" messages please folks if I'm not you will know I am not.

Anyways, on Thursday I went out as had a blast of energy and had an absolute ball and was very messy, sorry art school but yes I am back. Then I was ill from the night out most of Friday. On Friday evening the pain started, I put it down to the night out then it got progressively worse. I phoned the beatson (cancer clinic) and they said it was nothing to with the night out and get to A and E.

I thought great it's 4am on Saturday morning bank holiday weekend, but my sister took me and I was seen straight away. The staff where amazing, but the crap they have to put up with is ridiculous. Don't know how many arrests where made. These people are doing there job HELPING people and they dish out abuse and refuse treatment. It really annoyed me, until the morphine kicked in.

I got out on Saturday afternoon and was fine, the pain came back slightly on Sunday but was OK.

The boy came over Saturday and he left today (wed) He is a very nice form of medicine. He is making me a happy bunny just now and that's all I really want to say, I took him to meet my family on Easter Sunday and they loved him. Bless.

Anyway I am going to eat as I had to fast for 14 hours and I have ti make up for lost time.

Though for the day?

What would you have as your last meal?

Peace Love and Roast dinners...

xxx

Blog No. 48.

Yes at last I am feeling alive, I thought I would go mental if I woke up today and still felt the same way. Still have the shakes and chemo belly but to feel like I have energy has cheered me up no end.

I don't feel like I am not tired but I feel as good as I can get. Like I have been released. It has made my mood a bit higher too. I can now soldier through this weeks bit of chemo then get this scan and hopefully if the chemo has done anything it will make me go go go.

I am having a day of listening to music trying to find inspiration to make me get on with my own.

Its hard though as I still can't focus maybe I have ADHD caused by canker? I don't know but maybe I have something. Mind you I think canker (what I now call cancer not a spelling mistake) is enough for now.

I am going to go and take it breasy.

Thought of the day....

Wur ye aye?

peace love and night nurse

xx