Blog No. 18/19.

So yesterday I decided to to take the day off. Not off from my blog, but off from cancer. So not writing the blog was part of it. On Friday night I went to my friend Rosie's house. Before we went there we went to the brunswick hotel where I used to work and met my friend Stephen and Zoe. Two of my faves. Then Gill came and met us there. To have a night in the pub was amazing. Just being surrounded by fun and lively people, people who don't know I'm sick.

We headed to Rosie's house. We drank, we danced, we sang and I was surrounded by three total babes. Her boyfriend stoo had made us thee most amazing ginger ale scones. Little tastes of heaven they where, he also donated to me a very stunning black rabbit fur, Russian hat.

After Rosie's house i went Nice 'n' Sleazy's. Didn't have to Que as my pal Bonner was on the door. I saw loads of familiar faces Including my odd shoe G. What a blast I had dancing in the basement, laughing at people and drinking and just being "normal" It felt like the night of my life I was teary at some points just because I was happy. Haven't felt that in a long time. That buzz of being out, having fun. First Fun I had in months and boy did I grab with both hands.

After the dancing had stopped, I went to my non matching shoes house. A few people showed up and we had such a laugh. Just like old times. Kris and gill popped over later and we had a nice cosy chat and cigarette. Don't ask gill what she's doing as she's just dancing hahahaha.

After a rest it was time for my "holiday" my overnight trip to largs. Going to stay at my sisters boyfriend, Stephens parents house who are away on holiday. I was exhausted. But what a time I have had. Its only about 40 minutes from Glasgow and is a seaside town. Amusements, fish and chips, ice cream parlours, pubs and wind. I have decided the look of the village is windswept.

Even the signposts have the look of the season. We decided to start drinking as soon as we got there. One in the afternoon. The vodka I must say revived me. We headed into the village where it all goes on. We had a delicious lunch, and i had delicious cocktails. Bought myself a fancy lighter to cheer myself up. I bought 2 scarecrows as well.

After lunch and shopping we headed back to the house with more alcohol and cigarettes. We got rather merry and ordered windswept Chinese food. Magnus my sis's b/f's friend ordered it and ordered sooo much food we actually had a buffet. There was whole of portions of food leftover when we departed today.

We then got ready and headed to quite a nice bar in the village. After about 10 minutes I was really tired. Couldn't finish my drink so went home. My sister stayed out with her b/f and I went into a coma. I got to bed 11pm and slept until 7.30 this morning.

I woke up refreshed as I paced myself with the alcohol. This morning we went to the famous nardini's for ice cream. The place has been there since the 1930's and is its original art deco wonderfulness. The ice-cream was an orgasm in my mouth. So delicious. I had sundae with honeycomb toffee chocolate and more chocolate with vanilla milkshake on the side. An overdose of ice-cream me thinks YUMSH.

We then went to a little shop and bought some gifts and headed to the amusement arcades.

Won no money but had a blast on 2 roller coaster simulators. They where hilarious made me and sister bang our heads together (we needed it). After that we wanted to ten pin bowl, but it was booked up. :-( swines.

I am now writing this on my way home in the car (thank god for dongles) I would like to thank everyone who has played part in this weekend from the bottom of my heart, even those of you are not mentioned. For making this thee most fun time for me. I feel chilled and almost ready for hospital mode tomorrow for my blood tests, then Tuesday back onto the chemotherapy.

So for my last night of freedom I am meeting up with la roux aka Georgia for drinkys (yes more) and a right good laugh. Cant wait.

So until tomorrow I will leave you with my thought of the day...

who ate all the prawn toast?

peace love and hairspray

x

Blog No. 17.

I am now back in Glasgow and feeling my good old (bad) self. I have just been to see my psychologist and got the process of mental healing (again) back on track. I managed to have a good cry and they are going to be seeing regularly which is good. They said the emotions are going to be like a ripple effect. They are a really good team where I go and being seen by the same people, who for some reason remembered me.

The one of things I worry about is my mental health. I am well again thanks to the lithium. But with all this stress I am scared I may get ill. That would be catastrophic.

I am really looking forward to my night at rosies tonight. Shes so sweet and beautiful and I know we will dance on pillows like the good old days so that the neighbours downstairs don't hear us banging. I hope her boyfriend has had is apron and been baking. apparently he's really good. I will let you know. I am excited for drinks and cakes haha, how modern.

Tomorrow I go to largs to stay for the night and will be going to the best ice cream parlour, nardini's It will be amazing they do irn bru flavour ice cream. I used to love an irn bru or red cola ice cream float. I am gonna have sundaes and a milkshake, double ice cream heaven.

I have a malteasers bunny to eat gonna bight its head off and eat it mmmmm.

So i will now leave you with my thought of the day,

What is salt made from?

peace love and pillow dancing

xxx

Blog No. 16.

Oops like horny 13 yr old girl I'm late. Sorry for the delay but i got distracted visiting my granny.

She has Alzheimer's and takes up time. She does make me laugh tho she has a great sense of humour. And some the things she comes out with are crazy. She has about ten handbags stuffed full of money and can never find any of them.

She packed my pops stuff for the hospital. Just as well we looked in it first as it was a bra nightdress and her slippers. I know its a shame but it was so funny even she laughed.

I am glad to be having this week off today I feel really good. Have got in touch with 2 people i have not heard from for a long time. I missed both of them very much especially my friend G. It was my fault me and him lost touch and I will have to do a lot to put things right. Its not for all your ears what happened.

He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We where so close and he is so the opposite of me image wise. People would be like how did you even meet. He's a big straight guy and I am the gay tattooed freak we looked so odd next to each other. Like when someone wheres shoes that don't match there outfit. It has made me so happy to hear from him today.

Good things are happening, like my dinner being made, Cajun chicken it smells so good. The snow is still ball deep here and I am worried that I am going to get snowed in. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so need to get back to Glasgow.

I also need to get back as going to my friend rosie's flat for a night of alcohol and cakes. I am soo looking forward to a good old knees up. Will be nice.

I am staring to get p**sed off at people asking how I am. So in future read this and If I am not good you will know hahaha.

I like this feeling of goodness I have today, combination of reacquainting with old friends and time of chemo and feeling a lot less lousy.

My thought of the day is...

Should vegans and vegetarians be allowed to eat meat flavoured stuff?

peace love and yum yum times.

xxx

Blog No. 15.

You'll never guess, go on try. I managed to get a 12 hour uninterrupted sleep. I feel so refreshed today. I feel like I could go out and actually do something. Only draw back... there is 4ft of snow outside. I am not exaggerating. The front door cant open. Trust me and my good luck. So today is a day for hot chocolate and chocolate and whatever else. I am craving all food so will eat and eat until I am sick.

Today my pops is doing a little better. He didn't have anymore seizures last night and slept most of the night. He has managed to sit up today also. I am unable to go to hospital to visit him, 1 due to snow, and 2 due to the fact I cant risk getting any sort infection. My family loves the hospital. I think we are addicted to it theres always one of us in there. I feel like that's all my life is, hospitals, home visits, and GP's.

I have a bit of block today on what to write about. I am quite speechless today. So rather than write about nothing and cancer I think I will give you all a rest rather than spoil this blog.

So my thought of the day is...

Past? Present? or Future?

peace love and diet coke break

xxx

Blog No. 14.

I managed to have on ok'ish nights sleep. I went to sleep early so woke up early. I am now nitrazepam. Its wonderful. It takes a while to send you to sleep but before it does for about an hour you feel nice and fuzzy. I feel very relaxed today.

Last night my very sweet and beautiful friend Rosie came to visit. She gave me lots of sweets and ice cream. Guess what I am now able to eat it and she brought me my favourite, Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie. I ate the whole tub and it was such a relief to get rid of that craving. She also brought a tub of hagen daazs (if that's how you spell it) pecan and toffee. That's still unopened. The feeling of relief was as good as when you are desperate for the toilet and get to go and you go ahhhhhh.

I am now out in the countryside visiting family for a few days. As soon as I arrived I went to my grandparents house and literally as soon as I arrived my grandfather who is quite ill took a seizure and has now been taking to hospital. We have been assured that he should be ok. But its a scary thing to witness. I don't seem to be able to avoid hospitals and nurses. I must be cursed.

I am in a good mood (apart from worrying about my pops) as I have one more dose of my chemo to take tonight then have a break for a week. Its such an amazing feeling to know I have a break. Even though i still need to be careful and will still be sick but not to be controlled by pills is a nice feeling.

I received a nice gift and letter from my recently reunited cousin louise. It was a wee tiny angel in a glass heart. It strange as I believe in angels and you may think I am mental but I have seen them when I actually died 3 times in hospital a few years ago. I wont go into that but my friends no what happened. The strange thing about angels is they have no faces. The theory is because they are celestial beings, not dead humans promoted, us humans cant comprehend what they look like. So the gift has a lot meaning to me. Strange how she randomly picked it and thought of me.

Today I have an appetite and been feeling hungry which i have been savouring the feeling of before eating as I forgot what's like and its actually quite pleasurable. Weird eh?

So today I am gonna stuff my face as much as possible. Speaking of which I am gonna sign off and raid the fridge till it's empty.

Today's thought...

Is gluttony really a sin?

peace love and an empty fridge

xxx

Blog No. 13.

Yes tomorrow is my last day of chemo for a week. I cant wait to not be regimented by these tablets. Forcing food down at awkward times just to take them. And a break from the daily struggle taking them. This is the week when my immune system is really down and when i get sick so its not much of a break. But just to not HAVE to take them means I can relax a little.

As you know i had a bit of dram at the doctors on Friday. But its been sorted out and they couldnt apologise enough. I also had my swine flu booster jab today. Not pleasant feels like being punched in the arm. Whilst in the waiting area I changed seat about six times. every time I moved someone else would sit next to me and be coughing. I would move to where there was loads of seats and each time they would sit right next to me. I thought how inconsiderate. So I had my gloves and scarves over mouth must've looked odd. with that and changing seat every 2 minutes.

Yesterday two of my very good friends came over to visit jo and kris. What a laugh we had making fun of jo, I wont say what about I think he had enough abuse for one day. Kris was very kind and gave me a copy of logic pro for my mac. Its a programme that allows you to make music. Its amazing and does so so much so now I have something to occupy my time and to phone kris up every 5 minutes and annoy him when i cant do something.

We had home made spaghetti bolgnaise home made by lovely glamorous assistant I mean sister claire. I feel exhausted today. Must have been too much excitement yesterday.

Being exhausted is starting to really get on my nerves. Its such a hard feeling to describe as its a tiredness without being tired enough to sleep. Just no energy and a great feeling of can't be bothered. I feel like I am forcing myself to do a lot of things but I need to do that otherwise I would do nothing at all. But its still hard getting used to doing nothing.

By the time I get energy back I am straight into chemo again. The joys of it all. I really wish I didn't have anymore to go when i start next week I will have 15 weeks left. Still a lot but a little less. I am hoping to get away in the summer to rest in the sun. Hopefully I wont have to do more chemo after this. I really think I would struggle with the thought of that. Continuing to live without living.

Its quite strange how normal my life can seem to me sometimes then I think or gt reminded that I am missing out on so much of the little things. One of my friends went to London and it was frustrating I wasn't there to take part in the fun. I really miss having fun. I will be honest I am not having fun at all just now and that's the one of the hardest things of this. If i was on the waltzers I would want to get off, but life's not a funfair just now and I cant get off.

Funny how i always talk about daft things like ice cream and waltzers. I must be 5 in the head. Oh well.

So today's thought is

salted popcorn or sugar?

peace love and roundabouts

xx

blog No. 12.

So all day i was excited for going the pub (bar bloc+) where i used to dj. When I went at about 9.30 I had butterflys. Cant believe I was excited about the pub. I had a great wee hour. I even managed to have an alcoholic drink or 2 but no more. I had sailor jerry rum and coke. Was to little glasses of heaven. I already know I am now a cheap date. As i was a little merry after.

A good thing happened tho. I got offered my old club night back and we have sorted out to do when I am on my good week. So anyone from glasgow come to bar bloc on march 13th and I'll show you what dj'ing is. and if you font know me i will give you wee list of who I have played with in london.

mutya,

sam sparro,

skin (skunk anansie)

V V brown,

Kissy sell out,

dan guliesspie sells, (the feeling)

siouxsi sioux (what a legend)

there are many more but I only give out samples.

I am really lookig forward to doing what i love again. It might be tough but as far as I am concerned it will be worth it. A night of my normality. Which is pretty weird so yeah as bruciey would say..... come on down.

I managed to sleep last night as a doctor came out to see me and gave me lorazepam. I was out for about 10 hours and it was heaven. I have eneough for tonight til i go to my docs tomorrow to shout at them about the meds they gave me.

I found out those meds could have been quite harmfull to me as the decrease your white blood cells. which is what chemo does too. But to add to that could have made me really ill. So i need to drag my sister along to make sure I dont go to crazy. Also getting my second swine flu jab tomorrow. Thats going to be fun.

I also got a mouthwash for my ulcers which numbs the pain away. It works straight away and lasts 3 hours or so, Its heaven. I think I could become addicted to it because the feeling of relief it gives is indescribable. Heaven in a glass bottle me thinks.

I feel like I am on a bit of a journey to myslef to show that even tho I am sick I am still me. I do have to change a hell of a lot. But if little bits of me can still come out then i think i will be ok.

The thought of dj'ing again fills me up with hope that I can still have some sort of life and will be able to see all my friends while I am doing it.

I am going to do some cleaning today how exciting so i will now leave you with my though of the day...

if you where chocolate would you eat yourself?

peace love and musique

xx