Blog No. 77.

I am still on the up. I keep expecting to go down a little, but I am staying where I am just now, which is good. I manage to get out for a wee while on a day then get tired out for one, then another to rest. But at last I am managing to get out, even if it is just for half an hour. I am also managing to get out of bed for a wile each day just at home which a few weeks I couldn't do as could hardly lift my head up.

It's also great no longer finding having a bath or a shower a chore, and having one every three days when I totally stink. I am also managing to keep my room tidier which makes a huge difference, I am washing my bedsheets as I type this. So I guess all in all I am making an improvement. I am feeling good within myself now too where as before I was starting to hate being alive as felt like I was suffering too much.

I am still very restricted, but I am not bothered too much by what I can't do and just happy that I am able to just do again. I have a friend visiting me tomorrow from Australia, Amanda. I haven't seen her in so long so will be nice to see her for a couple of hours. My friend and old flatmate from London is also visiting me on Sunday which I am excited for.

Funny how London now seems like a distant memory and I have settled back into Glasgow life. It took a few months and at first it was so hard. I had left my life at the time behind down there and I now am very happy to stay in Glasgow. I have my boyfriend Chris which I have waited all my life for here.

I owe him so much, he is the main reason it's been so easy to get used to my life here as he brings me so much joy and happiness. He also looks after me which I know must be hard for him, and also my sister as I am a lot of work as even though feeling better I find somethings hard to do. Like going to the shop and cooking even tidying up properly.

I don't expect these things to be done for me but, I get help and I do as much as I can. But having the help makes my life so much easier. It is also nice to know that you're being looked after it is a nice feeling.

My appetite is returning very slowly, I am managing to eat a dinner from time to time, I pick and snack quite a lot during the day too. I have also been put onto tablets to stimulate my appetite today which will kick in soon. So soon I will be eating meals for four and be a size 30 in the waist hahaha.

I am still shocked by how thin I have got, and the how small the kids clothes actually are that I am now wearing. Especially when I look at my normal sized clothes which weren't exactly big in the first place. But I am getting used to being this size, and have been told it is unlikely I will gain much weight but main thing is to not to loose anymore.

Since I mentioned donating money to Marie Curie and MacMillan cancer charities I am pleased to know that various people are donating old clothes, time, money and even awareness to these places. That means so much to me and replaces my faith in the human nature. I would like to say thank you on behalf of these two great organisations. As I said before I would be so lost and alone without them. So THANK YOU!!!

My thought for today is...

The only way is up!!!

Peace Love and Rising like a Phoenix

xxx

Blog No. 76.

So here I am about to apologise for not keeping in touch, but hey so what. I have been busy with hospitals, professors, surgeons and hospice visits let alone actually being able to get up and about a little bit too. My spirits are a bit higher than what they where before. My energy is starting to come back.

Also on my visits to these various medics, I discovered my liver is working at one hundred percent so that is a huge relief to me. The cancer hasn't attached there yet which I cant tell you how happy that makes me actually feel.

I have had my pain medication reviewed and I am now on morphine, it's a slow release version with a top up kind of tablet to go with it. The side effects haven't been too severe and I am gradually feeling better. When I am awake I don't feel dopey, I do get tired out still but all in all I am starting to feel more like me again.

It's a gradual process and I still have a long ways to go until I feel normal again, but at least for now I can feel an improvement in myself which I can only feel positive about. The past 2 months have been incredibly difficult, probably the toughest out of the whole lot, if not my life.

But they are behind me now and for now I can see a little bit of a future for me.

But, I have decided to stop DJ'ing for a while, I can't guarantee my health from one date to the next, and for now I need as little pressure on me as possible. Hopefully I can still do something with it from time to time but for now I have to wave goodbye. Which is quite sad for me but for the long run it has to be done.

I went to view the marie curie hospice at stobhill hospital on Friday and I am blown away by it. The place is amazing. I would actually move into it now. You get a private room, with a balcony or landscaped garden. The views are stunning, the chefs will cook you whatever your hearts desire while you are which is a nice touch.

The building is very well designed with so many small touches that really make a difference. Your family or partner can stay over night with you too which will make you feel more at home.

They offer so many complimentary health therapy's from hypnotherapy to acupuncture all free as well. Over all I am very impressed by the place.

I am now just chilling at home with my dog and going to have a very hot steamy bath to relax and enjoy as for the first time in ages it doesn't feel like a chore.

So my thought of the day is...

Donate money to marie cure, and macmillan cancer charities as without them I as so many others would be lost, even 50p makes a difference.

Peace love and charitable donations,

xx

Blog No. 75.

I can't tell you how scared I am right now. I had a meeting with my professor on Monday. I asked him questions about what I will go through at the end, if I will suffer, if I will be in pain, these things have been on mind a lot. He said it won't be dramatic (shame) and very peaceful. He said I will die of liver failure basically as that's where the cancer is going to go to. I will gradually fade out, turn that lovely yellow colour at the end.

Kind of hard to accept your going to die of liver failure especially when you haven't damaged your liver through alcohol. I can count on one hand the amount of alcoholic drinks I have had in the last 6 weeks, so just goes to show you don't matter what you do you can still die of something.

The reason I am really scared just now, is because it's a gradual descent. Your appetite decreases and so does your energy and it gets less and less. I don't have an appetite really at all just now and can't eat much. I also just want to sleep all the time. I have been putting it down to any factor I can, and there is a few reasons that could be causing it, but right now I am scared it is because of the cancer.

If I don't regain my appetite and get a bit more lively in the next month then I know for sure that I am fading out. It's so terrifying to know you only have a month to know if your as close to death as you fear. It's on my mind constantly, dying, It's not that I have given in, or that I really believe I am, but I have to be honest with myself and know it's going to happen a lot sooner than later.

It's strange, all my life I have know that I would die young. I even had thoughts in the past that I had cancer, but obviously you don't really believe it. I do not know why I have had these thoughts and feelings but once in a blue moon I would think that. Strange how we don't listen to ourselves. Wish I did.

I wish none of this happening, I wish my family and my partner didn't have to go through this and my friends too. It makes me feel so sad knowing I am going to leave. Not for me, but for you and them. My sister and I are so incredibly close, I don't know how I can leave her. My partner too, He is a big ray of light in my life and doesn't deserve this. Who will look after him, how will he cope?

That is what scares me about death, leaving people, not the act. It happens to us all and I guess I can try and justify what's happening to me until I am blue in the face but to be honest, there is no justice to it. Sure I have done things wrong, but who hasn't? I put right these wrongs as best I can and believe in moving on but right now, I don't see any way of fixing this.

I also buried my Grandfather today. His funeral was huge, he was a very well respected member of his community, and was involved in so many different things from youth groups, to photographing weddings, first communions, baptisms and any other local event that took place.

His mass was beautiful the choir sang and it was all just beautiful. The church was packed and it was comforting to know he was so loved by everyone.

Anyway, on a cheerier note I am DJ'ing on Friday at bloc for my club night. DJ'ing is my life's passion, and I feel I am going to have to give it up soon. I really struggled last month at my birthday and my energy levels have improved slightly but I am worried that this one will also be a struggle. If it is I will have to go into retirement sooner rather than later.

Makes me sad knowing I will have to give it up, but I also want to end on a high rather than getting to the stage I don't get to say goodbye to my once promising career. I have achieved a lot through playing music, and met some wonderful and very colourful people along the way. Some nights have been successes other's flops. But I have loved every minute of it and know I am truly lucky to have found a job in which I put all my passion, heart, soul and love into.

Thank you for being my life, Music, I love you.

So I bid you goodnight or day depending on when you are reading this and the thought?

If you had one song to sing, what would it be?

Peace Love, and don't cry me.

xx

Blog No. 74.

It's 2am and I am lying awake thinking of quite a few things. Today my Grandfather passed away. I was very close to him, he and my Grandmother practically brought me up. Me my sister and my 2 cousins would go to there house everyday after school to be looked after while our parents where at work. My poor Grandmother will be distraught, they have been married for 60 years if not more. She also has Alzheimer's and I don't know how she will cope without him or if she will remember if he is gone in her day to day life.

I also Have the cancer clinic tomorrow. I am dreading it. Every time I go it's bad news and I don't know what they can offer me since now in there eyes I am a hopeless cause. I would rather not go and just leave my life up to fate as what will be will be. I also have to see the surgeon who put my new stent in on Thursday too and my Grandfathers funeral will probably be on Wednesday.

A bit of a harsh week you could say. But tonight lots of things are on my mind. Mostly tomorrow as I feel everything is final now in the cancer department. Since being told I would probably have only months left to live I feel they have given up on me and all they will offer is more chemo or nothing. They told me last time more chemo would be pointless as they would use a different combination, it would also be less effective second time round. Which since the first lot didn't work I do not see the point in destroying myself further.

It's a strange feeling having your life out of your hands and knowing at any moment you can take ill and that be it. I don't have it on my mind 24/7 but when these appointments come up you can't help but think about it all. I know what doctors say isn't the law. But when they tell you bad news it's hard for it to not hit you as you do expect them to know what they are on about.

I guess I should just go and be with my thoughts as my concentration isn't too good.

Today's thought?

Well my thoughts are with my family especially my Grandparents.

Peace love and family ties.

xxx

In the loving memory of my Grandfather,

Rest In Peace.

Blog No. 73.

Yet again the gaps have appeared between entries. I have had a lot going on, indeed I did. Mainly my adventure to Brighton with my sister to spend 5 days in the company of Alan and various other friends who made efforts to see us either through coming down from London, (Garry and Billy) and friends who live there (Sarah and Tobi). It was wonderful seeing you all. Really it meant so much to me that I could see you all.

I must give a shout out to Alan, my ex well we split up about 8yrs ago and now are close friends. Alan allowed us to stay in his very glamorous Beach front apartment. It was like a step back to a royal apartment with hints of modernism. The chandeliers and memory foam beds and modern kitchen and royally decorated living room, well fit for two queens. It is here we would call home and I loved it.

Alan's flatmate Chris is a very nice and sweet guy and my only wish was to get to know him a bit better. I was on painkillers with which I cant drink so I missed out on his and others company through this. Believe me Guys I really wanted to have fun with you but in my circumstance I can't

Alan as usual was the most wonderful host. Taking us for dinner to the marina and driving us about and telling us where to go in the day. Guiding me to the kids section in Brighton's H & M where I could get some new clothes and ones to fit me at that. That has been a bit of a nightmare I tell you when shops sizes don't go down small enough so you have to try the kids section. I kind of like it as kids have cool style these days so I am grabbing a piece of the action and at the no VAT rate too. £5.99 for jeans can't moan and tops just as cheap.

OK before I end up ranting about kids clothes I just want to say. Thank you to all of you in Brighton, who came to Brighton and who I met in Brighton for making my stay very comfortable, very much fun and relaxing at the same point. Was the mixture I was needing it really was.

By time of coming home I had been almost everywhere and it took its toll on me. Each walk visit, attraction tired me out so did walking. But was worth it. But I won't lye. I was looking forward to getting into my own bed and surroundings. but those 5 days in Brighton where heaven so again thanks to all of you who where there and participated.

Now on a serious note. I have decided to come off and change my pain medication. I am on oxycodon in two forms A) Oxycontin. is a 12 hour continuous release tablet and B) Oxynorm. Is a quick acting version of this to get to pain and stop it instantly and very effective at it it is too.

These painkillers are stronger than morphine. They do work getting rid of my pain, but with such power comes side effects. I couldn't handle them. The effects I had where... irritability, rash, unable to urinate, feeling of being detached, feelings of unreality, loss of appetite, night sweats, constant drowsiness. I mean one or two I could have dealt with. so over two days I decreased the dose.

But today I seen my doctor and she changed me to co-codomol which hasn't helped with pain %100 but it does help. I have a total lack of energy and no lust for life. I almost feel like I am evaporating. I have no control over how I feel and believe it or not, I have been writing this since Monday and it has taken until Friday to get this far.

I feel it's important for me to keep up this blog. I started doing something good for me with this but the past while I have been finding it so hard to keep up with. I know there's a lot of people who like to read this and to you I am sorry I haven't been doing it daily. Once I am back up and high kicking I will be doing it daily.

I don't know if I have mentioned the alkaline diet to you before. I am about to start it this weekend. It has so many beneficial effects, and cancer can't survive in alkaline conditions. Sounds a bit off the wall but there is so much evidence to support it works. It means being very strict with my food and drinks, no more sugary drinks. You are allowed once a week to take a night off and give into temptation.

Other ways it improves your life is by giving you energy, takes away sugar cravings, takes your body to its natural optimum weight and basically just makes you feel amazing. In the USA they recommend very highly to cancer patients and people who have grade 4 cancer like me who are "incurable" have been cured.

It's my best chance. A very sweet go go dancer called Mia Cher also recommended to me to try vibrational medicine. Her family had there own success story through using this so I am still researching this and going to get in touch with the lady in Inverness who practices this to get more information.

I am not dead yet and still have some tricks up my sleeve but right now everything is so hard for me. I have a wheelchair on standby to get out and about this weekend, but I feel that's giving up if I use it. So we will see. I am going to try and eat tonight as this is the last night I am able to everything I want before my organic alkaline diet starts.

So my thought of the well... week?

If you had to pick your food for one last day what would you pick?

Peace, Love and alkaline batteries

xx

Blog No. 72.

I bet your surprised reading this as I am writing a blog the day after I last done one and haven't done that for a while. I still have this tired feeling it seems to be ruling my life. I went into town yesterday and after about 30-40 minutes I had to come home. I was really light headed and had kind of cloudy vision. So things like that I am finding frustrating.

It does have a plus side, I no longer need to do anything for myself and I have the perfect excuse to stay in my new bed. I am addicted to this bed, even sitting on the sofa is rubbish in comparison. I now have a TV sender in my room which I can also change channel through. So now have even less reason to get out of bed.

I do get out of bed, mainly to go to the toilet and kitchen and have a bath. Sometimes I will get out of it to go sit in the garden with the dog. But that is just about it for the reasons I will get out of it for. I seriously recommend that everyone invests a little in a memory foam mattress. It is seriously the best thing I have ever had.

The sleep you get on it gives you a feeling the next day that you have slept on air. It does take a couple of nights sleep in it to get used to it. But once you do you will know exactly what I am talking about.

I am now getting excited for Brighton. I know it wasn't my first choice but I know I am going to have a really nice time. We where going to stay in a hotel, but my friend Alan has kindly offered to put us up which saves some money. It also means we can be shown around all the sights and sounds which is good too.

One of my best friends Garry (with 2 R's) who now lives in that London is going to meet me and my sister there too on the Friday. I love seeing Garry he is such a free spirit and his energy rubs off on you. He always makes you feel good, he's unlike anyone I have ever met, he is a little treat wrapped in a wrapper made from nuttiness...

The answer to yesterday's thought is Umbrella.

So today's thought that I shall leave you with is down to Garry...

What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?

Peace Love and Umbrella's

xxx