Paul Signing Off

Paul passed away on Sunday evening in the most courageous beautiful way. Hes now resting with the angels and will suffer no more. It makes his family so proud to know the impact this blog has had on others and gave Paul great solace throughout his illness. Thankyou to everyone who has followed his story, he will be laid to rest on Thursday 2nd September amidst a blaze of purple and the biggest party he has ever been to. The Funeral will take place at 1.30pm within St.Simon Church Partick Cross Glasgow, all are welcome to attend and say goodbye to an angel.

Peace, Love and everylasting life.

Blog No. 83.

As you may well have known I was off to that London for a visit for a few days. What an amazing time I had. As soon as I got off the train it was botox and lip filling time, so I went to the amazing Teena Williams. What a woman she gave me a very generous discount and instead of keeping the money for herself gave me a cheque to post written out to to marie curie, fir the amount I paid.

Such an act of generosity made me cry, right in her office. What an amazing job she's done face almost non moving and lips so luscious you could kiss them in the mirror for hours. I still cant get over the act of kindness she did, it will be remembered for a long time to come and again I would like to thank her, so thank you Teena Williams. If anyone in London needs work done get in touch and I will give you her contact info.

So second day was spent with slightly bruised lips, but they looked amazing. We (me and Garry) went to my old shop I worked in. Year Zero where I got lots of the best clothes and free gifts to wear, which I cant also say thank you enough for so thank you guys.

Tatum and Rocky from the shop also took me and Garry for lunch it was Devinne. Was to a little restaurant called Balans, love it in there. Which was also very sweet of them. I stuffed myself on Calamari and fries, delish!!! I had such a lovely day was a bit like a homecoming in a way. I so miss that shop and being part of it. I managed to work there for nine months which is such a long time for me.

So later that night me and Garry had the knife opera "Tomorrow in a year" to go and see which was the main reason for my trip. It turned out to be a bit of a visual let down, music amazing and sound phenomenal but the visuals, from a group where you expect so much more from where such a let down. Didn't make any sense as with the dancers, they weren't even dancing not even in what could be called a contemporary fashion.

We decided to walk out just before the end, we where both pretty tired and where to disappointed to stay. We where both glad and happy we went to see it and it was still good but just not what you would expect from genius. A few other people had also walked out and where complaining too so at least it wasn't just us.

We then went home and had an early night as I had a very big day ahead of me on Thursday. I was feeling nervous and slightly anxious as I was meeting family some of whom I hadn't seen for 20 years. My half sister, cousins, and aunt Kay. So I had a nice long sleep and rest.

The big day came, and my nerves wore off. I was meeting them at covent garden which I love. The first person I met was my half sister sammi. Just as well I had big sunglasses on as I was very tearful. Then was my cousin Louise's turn to show face, same full of emotion but the big sunglasses helped hide that.

We had wait about an hour for my aunt Kay to arrive as she was coming at a different time. We went for a juice and a chat, and it was as though it was only a week since we had last saw each other. We just fitted in, my Aunt Kay turned up and it was full house. we spent the whole day in covent garden where I bought 2 new pairs of doc martens.

Lovely jubbley. We then went for a snack and pimms, I couldn't drink the pimms of course so had a cola instead. We then met my cousin Ian straight from his work and I went to a sweet shop and spent over 40 quid on sweets including, lucky charms breakfast cereal, my favourite.

We then ventured to another restaurant even though I was still full fro the big plate of tiger prawns I had just eaten. We went to the most beautiful place on Drury lane called Starastora or something like that, it was a delight on the eyes inside. everywhere covered in trinkets and fabric, booths up in the Gods which where all different. it was stunning. The toilets even had very graphic pictures of the Kama Sudra painted all over the walls, doors, ceilings it was amazing.

The food was delicious but the service wasn't the quickest, there was even a man serenading us while we all ate. The day sadly came to an end here as I just got so tired. I had to say my goodbye's and we have made arrangement's for them to come up and visit in September. I had a blast that day and can't get over how we all fitted in like old shoes.

The next day was Friday and basically my last day as leaving Saturday. I met up with a few friends, went for lunch and done a little bit more shopping, mainly in the Vivienne Westwood sale. I got lovely stuffs, won't tell you though you will just have to guess what it is. I ended up in pain on Friday night and after sadly saying bye to my friends made my way back to Garry's house, got some food.

I settled in front of the TV it was bliss. Took some very strong morphine to try ease off the pain so I could get on with packing. That was a task and was very difficult in the pain I was in. But I am a trooper and managed it all.

So Saturday came, and it was my last day. I woke Garry up to go for my last London proper greasy spoon breakfast. sausage egg and chips. My fuel for the day. It was then time to get back to Garry's and finalise everything for the journey home.

The taxi came and we left in plenty of time to get to the station and sort getting around with me in the wheelchair etc... The total lack if help was astonishing, we couldn't get a trolley so getting around was so difficult, no one would help us in the station at all the total swines. I started to stress and freak and cry as couldn't deal with getting on the train.

Garry came to the rescue as he always does. He found someone helpful who gave us a trolley for the luggage and said we would get help on the platform which was a relief. I managed to go on the train in one piece which was a stressful relief. I managed to get settled into my first class coach and then it was bliss. I was sad to be leaving, but also happy to be going home.

I was so excited to my sister and Chris. It was worth the journey home to see them again.

To think I almost didn't make it down, as I was sick for the few days before, but I managed to regain my composure as always and it was the most wonderful trip I have had especially after being locked away for such a long time.

So it's now time to leave you with my thought of the day...

Egg and chips or full fry up?

Peace Love and London fun.

Blog No. 82.

So as I am lying wide awake in this bed at the hospice. I have decided to put to good this non sleeping and write my latest entry. A whole bunch of stuff has happened, some good and some bad but I will leave it up to you to decide which is which. As I said I am in the Marie Curie hospice.

I told you before how amazing it is when I came to be shown around and I won't lie it has not been a disappointment. I have built up a rapore with most of the Nurses and care staff which makes being here a lot more fun.

The reason I was admitted here was due to a pain in my right rib. It was as though a horse had kicked me and then attacked me. So I sent my magic nurse Linda a little text at 8.30am to let her know I may need to come and basically about an hour later she called to say there was a room available for me.

I got pumped full of drugs I still am but there being reduced each day to a more manageable level is better. As I am writing this now, I am back home. you should see the size of the bag its massive. I now have to take an injection everyday to thin my blood as the pain in my chest was blood clots which s a relief as it could have been the cancer spreading. I am hoping I am going to be fit enough for my trip to London on Tuesday.

`i really need this trip been looking forward to it as it will be nice to see old faces and see some of which i haven't seen for about 20. I just need to see my old life

Anyway I shall leave you with my thought of the day....

Blog No. 81.

So I have just realised that I am 3 months into what was basically given in not so many words a 6 month life sentence. It's strange as apparently in 3 months poof and I go up in a big explosion of purple glitter, and enter the next plane. Well F**k you as I am getting better and stronger, and there's no way I shall be gone for a long time, and that's not me being brave it's how I actually feel inside.

I now have a new set back. My right lung/rib is in agony. I literally feel like I have been kicked by a horse then beating up with by baseball bats after. I can hardly breath in and can hardly move my right arm, the pain goes right up into my neck and even the morphine I am on isn't making a difference.

So I am waiting to see if I can be admitted into the Marie Curie hospice for a few days to be looked at and looked after in a nicer environment than a hospital. It's a hospital but a bit more like a hotel. My fingers are still numb and so are the soles of my feet so I don't know if any of this is related. I hope there's something that can be done and quickly as I don't really want to become a prisoner of pain again.

Just when I was doing really well too. But this is just a little set back and I am not really worried about it being something major. I am sure I will be right as rain in a few days but i just want this pain to go away. But most of all these numb fingers they're making it a trifle hard to actually type.

I am going to go and pack my hospital bag and smile smile smile as they say. Kind of short and sweet today, almost like me except I am tall and mean GRRrrrr!!!

So my thought of the day is...

Fox's Viennese bisckwits or Giant cookies?

Peace love and crumbs in bed!!!

Blog No. 80.

Well Saturday what a night. Thank you for making it so so busy and amazing. I am so very disappointed that I got too sick to continue playing past 2am and had to leave. But what a party it was and it was all made by you , you beautiful people.

I keep getting annoyed that I had to quit and go home but I cant describe to you the pain I was in. I thought I was going pass out and collapse. And that wouldn't have been a good way to en the night. I just wish I could have played that last hour, the glory hour is what I call it as it's when everyone is really up for it.

It's when the most fun happens, and it was my last time to take part in that whilst DJ'ing. God I am so angry that the illness managed to get in the way on MY night. But I know everyone had fun and that's the most important thing to me as a DJ. I am glad you all came and I am glad I bowed without too much attention (not I wanted that glorious moment at the end).

Anyway, for the past week I have noticed a numb sensation in the end of my fingers and in the balls of my toes. I still have sensation and can feel things, but they are numb. I was seeing the cancer doctors today and they don't know if it could be related to my back pain that suffer from, or a side effect of the chemo.

It's a really strange sensation to have especially for all this time. They think it could be because of the back pain as the cancer is pressing on a lot of nerves and tissues, and as I mentioned a blog or two ago I am on a nerve painkiller to relieve the pain when I am touched. Nerve pain is weird as it's not a constant pain with me but a very over the top reactionary pain. Like the slightest touch and I feel electricity shoot through me with pain and it hurts for a quite a few moments after.

I think this is what may have caused the pain on Saturday as a few people where touching and poking at me, obviously they're not going to know, but it happened a few times and I thought I was going to die with pain.

I didn't start taking the Gabapanten until Saturday night as it makes you drowsy and has funny side effects which I bore witness to today. I kept loosing my balance this afternoon, I was vomiting whilst at the clinic. Kinda like your body's drunk but your brain's not. Not fun and kind of embarrassing.

I really hope this numbness stops soon as I don't want it to be a bone of contention, or whatever the phrase is ha ha. But as I said before it's like something goes and something then appears, but this is a whole new thing on me. Something else for me to moan about I guess.

My sleeping pills don't work I went back onto zoplicone, which stopped working a few months back. I decided to go back on them as I thought since they hadn't been in my system for such a long time they would work, well they do but I am having to technically overdose on them by taking 3 or 4 at night to get to sleep. Which I don't want to do, it's not harmful to do this with these but at the same time I don't want to be taking them like sweets.

I am going to have to stop typing now as the numbness in my fingers seems to be worsening and its not pleasant I tell you.

So my thought of the day is...

Numb bum or numb mouth? ha ha!!!

Peace Love and numb numbs

xxx

Blog No. 79.

I have managed to find a few minutes in this busy day to write in my blog. I am currently getting ready and organised to DJ for my last gig tonight. I am excited for the night, but saying goodbye is going to be hard. DJ'ing it what I feel is me and defines me. I have achieved a lot and played in venue's and with artists I could only dream of. Been part of celebrity circles and met the most interesting, fabulous, rude and exotic people doing this.

The time has come to take a break, and a rest. I will come back and DJ from time to time, but I am just on the road to some sort of recovery so I need to see where that goes first before I worry about anything else. I have made a Mix to give out tonight and have spent most of the day burning and labeling copies of that. It's miserable weather here and raining so trying to plan an outfit that's fabulous but practical is very hard.

I can't help but notice how much my blog is being read and I would like to welcome my new followers. Fills me with joy to know so many people enjoy reading this and maybe get something out of it too. I know I get a release and some pleasure from writing it. So thanks to everyone who reads. Almost 24,500 reads in 4 1/2 months since I started writing this. I don't know who's reading or how this has happened but I thank you all for making this worthwhile to me.

I don't have much time as must eat something to keep my energy up for tonight. I am thinking something fatty and cheesy maybe chips and cheese YUMMM. The steroid of today is kicking in so I better let it do its work.

So my thought of the day...

CHIPS AND CHEESE AND MUSIC AND DANCING.

Peace Love and retirement home time.

xxx

Blog No. 78.

So yesterday the piece about my blog went up on the guardian online website, here's the link so you can read it http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/05/young-patients-blogs-cancer it's about me and two other young people who have cancer and blog about it. I would recommend that you have a look at there blogs also.

I am actually very proud of the piece and that my little blog is getting so much attention. It kind of makes me very humble to know that people are interested in me, and what I have to say. I never expected this in a million years. So I would like to thank Carlene Thomas-Bailey for writing the piece and being so lovely in her correspondence with me. So thank you to well you :-).

I have managed to have the sleeps (don't know if that's a real word) of my life. One for 16 hours and then 24 hours. I guess my body has had a lot of sleep to catch up on. Yet again I have been put onto more painkillers well there more for nerve pain. There a muscle relaxant also. They are called Gabapentin. The reason for these is because my body is so sensitive and tender to being touched, and not in a nice way.

Hopefully these will help with my sex life as recently it has been suffering quite bad. I am lucky I have a very open relationship with Chris and can talk to him about anything. He is very understanding about this. I cant bare to be touched in the areas I used to love as pain shoots from legs up into my abdomen which is very strange.

I am also being referred to a sex specialist which I think will be very interesting and there's pills I can be put onto to increase my libido. I am not at the stage of Viagra yet it still works ha ha. But I just don't have much of a drive to me, I don't even pleasure myself which is when you know its bad.

I can't believe I have mentioned my libido but hey I aim to be honest on here and let people know what changes and tribulations I go through. I feel like an onion in a way. There's so many layers of problems and when one is fixed, the one underneath then stands out to be the next issue. I must be a big onion as there is always something new which frustrates me.

It's not like I haven't noticed it until it stands out it's just that other things are a bigger problem such as pain, and when that is fixed the next problem or layer of onion stands out. Why do I feel like Donkey from Shrek right now? Must be the onion talk.

My appetite is on the up and I feel like I am starting to look healthier and a little fuller (but still skeletal) around the face. But I can't stop picking and eating. I am actually enjoying food again, I know it's the steroids that are doing it but who cares. I thought I was becoming anorexic through illness as I just didn't want to eat and hated food. It was like being anorexic apart from hating being thin.

All this talk about food and onions has made me hungry and for breakfast I think I will have either a burger with onion's or a hot dog with onion's ha ha YUMMY.

So my thought of the day is...

Does anyone know where there is a house made of food I could eat?

Peace Love and Onion breathe.

xxx

Blog No. 77.

I am still on the up. I keep expecting to go down a little, but I am staying where I am just now, which is good. I manage to get out for a wee while on a day then get tired out for one, then another to rest. But at last I am managing to get out, even if it is just for half an hour. I am also managing to get out of bed for a wile each day just at home which a few weeks I couldn't do as could hardly lift my head up.

It's also great no longer finding having a bath or a shower a chore, and having one every three days when I totally stink. I am also managing to keep my room tidier which makes a huge difference, I am washing my bedsheets as I type this. So I guess all in all I am making an improvement. I am feeling good within myself now too where as before I was starting to hate being alive as felt like I was suffering too much.

I am still very restricted, but I am not bothered too much by what I can't do and just happy that I am able to just do again. I have a friend visiting me tomorrow from Australia, Amanda. I haven't seen her in so long so will be nice to see her for a couple of hours. My friend and old flatmate from London is also visiting me on Sunday which I am excited for.

Funny how London now seems like a distant memory and I have settled back into Glasgow life. It took a few months and at first it was so hard. I had left my life at the time behind down there and I now am very happy to stay in Glasgow. I have my boyfriend Chris which I have waited all my life for here.

I owe him so much, he is the main reason it's been so easy to get used to my life here as he brings me so much joy and happiness. He also looks after me which I know must be hard for him, and also my sister as I am a lot of work as even though feeling better I find somethings hard to do. Like going to the shop and cooking even tidying up properly.

I don't expect these things to be done for me but, I get help and I do as much as I can. But having the help makes my life so much easier. It is also nice to know that you're being looked after it is a nice feeling.

My appetite is returning very slowly, I am managing to eat a dinner from time to time, I pick and snack quite a lot during the day too. I have also been put onto tablets to stimulate my appetite today which will kick in soon. So soon I will be eating meals for four and be a size 30 in the waist hahaha.

I am still shocked by how thin I have got, and the how small the kids clothes actually are that I am now wearing. Especially when I look at my normal sized clothes which weren't exactly big in the first place. But I am getting used to being this size, and have been told it is unlikely I will gain much weight but main thing is to not to loose anymore.

Since I mentioned donating money to Marie Curie and MacMillan cancer charities I am pleased to know that various people are donating old clothes, time, money and even awareness to these places. That means so much to me and replaces my faith in the human nature. I would like to say thank you on behalf of these two great organisations. As I said before I would be so lost and alone without them. So THANK YOU!!!

My thought for today is...

The only way is up!!!

Peace Love and Rising like a Phoenix

xxx

Blog No. 76.

So here I am about to apologise for not keeping in touch, but hey so what. I have been busy with hospitals, professors, surgeons and hospice visits let alone actually being able to get up and about a little bit too. My spirits are a bit higher than what they where before. My energy is starting to come back.

Also on my visits to these various medics, I discovered my liver is working at one hundred percent so that is a huge relief to me. The cancer hasn't attached there yet which I cant tell you how happy that makes me actually feel.

I have had my pain medication reviewed and I am now on morphine, it's a slow release version with a top up kind of tablet to go with it. The side effects haven't been too severe and I am gradually feeling better. When I am awake I don't feel dopey, I do get tired out still but all in all I am starting to feel more like me again.

It's a gradual process and I still have a long ways to go until I feel normal again, but at least for now I can feel an improvement in myself which I can only feel positive about. The past 2 months have been incredibly difficult, probably the toughest out of the whole lot, if not my life.

But they are behind me now and for now I can see a little bit of a future for me.

But, I have decided to stop DJ'ing for a while, I can't guarantee my health from one date to the next, and for now I need as little pressure on me as possible. Hopefully I can still do something with it from time to time but for now I have to wave goodbye. Which is quite sad for me but for the long run it has to be done.

I went to view the marie curie hospice at stobhill hospital on Friday and I am blown away by it. The place is amazing. I would actually move into it now. You get a private room, with a balcony or landscaped garden. The views are stunning, the chefs will cook you whatever your hearts desire while you are which is a nice touch.

The building is very well designed with so many small touches that really make a difference. Your family or partner can stay over night with you too which will make you feel more at home.

They offer so many complimentary health therapy's from hypnotherapy to acupuncture all free as well. Over all I am very impressed by the place.

I am now just chilling at home with my dog and going to have a very hot steamy bath to relax and enjoy as for the first time in ages it doesn't feel like a chore.

So my thought of the day is...

Donate money to marie cure, and macmillan cancer charities as without them I as so many others would be lost, even 50p makes a difference.

Peace love and charitable donations,

xx

Blog No. 75.

I can't tell you how scared I am right now. I had a meeting with my professor on Monday. I asked him questions about what I will go through at the end, if I will suffer, if I will be in pain, these things have been on mind a lot. He said it won't be dramatic (shame) and very peaceful. He said I will die of liver failure basically as that's where the cancer is going to go to. I will gradually fade out, turn that lovely yellow colour at the end.

Kind of hard to accept your going to die of liver failure especially when you haven't damaged your liver through alcohol. I can count on one hand the amount of alcoholic drinks I have had in the last 6 weeks, so just goes to show you don't matter what you do you can still die of something.

The reason I am really scared just now, is because it's a gradual descent. Your appetite decreases and so does your energy and it gets less and less. I don't have an appetite really at all just now and can't eat much. I also just want to sleep all the time. I have been putting it down to any factor I can, and there is a few reasons that could be causing it, but right now I am scared it is because of the cancer.

If I don't regain my appetite and get a bit more lively in the next month then I know for sure that I am fading out. It's so terrifying to know you only have a month to know if your as close to death as you fear. It's on my mind constantly, dying, It's not that I have given in, or that I really believe I am, but I have to be honest with myself and know it's going to happen a lot sooner than later.

It's strange, all my life I have know that I would die young. I even had thoughts in the past that I had cancer, but obviously you don't really believe it. I do not know why I have had these thoughts and feelings but once in a blue moon I would think that. Strange how we don't listen to ourselves. Wish I did.

I wish none of this happening, I wish my family and my partner didn't have to go through this and my friends too. It makes me feel so sad knowing I am going to leave. Not for me, but for you and them. My sister and I are so incredibly close, I don't know how I can leave her. My partner too, He is a big ray of light in my life and doesn't deserve this. Who will look after him, how will he cope?

That is what scares me about death, leaving people, not the act. It happens to us all and I guess I can try and justify what's happening to me until I am blue in the face but to be honest, there is no justice to it. Sure I have done things wrong, but who hasn't? I put right these wrongs as best I can and believe in moving on but right now, I don't see any way of fixing this.

I also buried my Grandfather today. His funeral was huge, he was a very well respected member of his community, and was involved in so many different things from youth groups, to photographing weddings, first communions, baptisms and any other local event that took place.

His mass was beautiful the choir sang and it was all just beautiful. The church was packed and it was comforting to know he was so loved by everyone.

Anyway, on a cheerier note I am DJ'ing on Friday at bloc for my club night. DJ'ing is my life's passion, and I feel I am going to have to give it up soon. I really struggled last month at my birthday and my energy levels have improved slightly but I am worried that this one will also be a struggle. If it is I will have to go into retirement sooner rather than later.

Makes me sad knowing I will have to give it up, but I also want to end on a high rather than getting to the stage I don't get to say goodbye to my once promising career. I have achieved a lot through playing music, and met some wonderful and very colourful people along the way. Some nights have been successes other's flops. But I have loved every minute of it and know I am truly lucky to have found a job in which I put all my passion, heart, soul and love into.

Thank you for being my life, Music, I love you.

So I bid you goodnight or day depending on when you are reading this and the thought?

If you had one song to sing, what would it be?

Peace Love, and don't cry me.

xx

Blog No. 74.

It's 2am and I am lying awake thinking of quite a few things. Today my Grandfather passed away. I was very close to him, he and my Grandmother practically brought me up. Me my sister and my 2 cousins would go to there house everyday after school to be looked after while our parents where at work. My poor Grandmother will be distraught, they have been married for 60 years if not more. She also has Alzheimer's and I don't know how she will cope without him or if she will remember if he is gone in her day to day life.

I also Have the cancer clinic tomorrow. I am dreading it. Every time I go it's bad news and I don't know what they can offer me since now in there eyes I am a hopeless cause. I would rather not go and just leave my life up to fate as what will be will be. I also have to see the surgeon who put my new stent in on Thursday too and my Grandfathers funeral will probably be on Wednesday.

A bit of a harsh week you could say. But tonight lots of things are on my mind. Mostly tomorrow as I feel everything is final now in the cancer department. Since being told I would probably have only months left to live I feel they have given up on me and all they will offer is more chemo or nothing. They told me last time more chemo would be pointless as they would use a different combination, it would also be less effective second time round. Which since the first lot didn't work I do not see the point in destroying myself further.

It's a strange feeling having your life out of your hands and knowing at any moment you can take ill and that be it. I don't have it on my mind 24/7 but when these appointments come up you can't help but think about it all. I know what doctors say isn't the law. But when they tell you bad news it's hard for it to not hit you as you do expect them to know what they are on about.

I guess I should just go and be with my thoughts as my concentration isn't too good.

Today's thought?

Well my thoughts are with my family especially my Grandparents.

Peace love and family ties.

xxx

In the loving memory of my Grandfather,

Rest In Peace.

Blog No. 73.

Yet again the gaps have appeared between entries. I have had a lot going on, indeed I did. Mainly my adventure to Brighton with my sister to spend 5 days in the company of Alan and various other friends who made efforts to see us either through coming down from London, (Garry and Billy) and friends who live there (Sarah and Tobi). It was wonderful seeing you all. Really it meant so much to me that I could see you all.

I must give a shout out to Alan, my ex well we split up about 8yrs ago and now are close friends. Alan allowed us to stay in his very glamorous Beach front apartment. It was like a step back to a royal apartment with hints of modernism. The chandeliers and memory foam beds and modern kitchen and royally decorated living room, well fit for two queens. It is here we would call home and I loved it.

Alan's flatmate Chris is a very nice and sweet guy and my only wish was to get to know him a bit better. I was on painkillers with which I cant drink so I missed out on his and others company through this. Believe me Guys I really wanted to have fun with you but in my circumstance I can't

Alan as usual was the most wonderful host. Taking us for dinner to the marina and driving us about and telling us where to go in the day. Guiding me to the kids section in Brighton's H & M where I could get some new clothes and ones to fit me at that. That has been a bit of a nightmare I tell you when shops sizes don't go down small enough so you have to try the kids section. I kind of like it as kids have cool style these days so I am grabbing a piece of the action and at the no VAT rate too. £5.99 for jeans can't moan and tops just as cheap.

OK before I end up ranting about kids clothes I just want to say. Thank you to all of you in Brighton, who came to Brighton and who I met in Brighton for making my stay very comfortable, very much fun and relaxing at the same point. Was the mixture I was needing it really was.

By time of coming home I had been almost everywhere and it took its toll on me. Each walk visit, attraction tired me out so did walking. But was worth it. But I won't lye. I was looking forward to getting into my own bed and surroundings. but those 5 days in Brighton where heaven so again thanks to all of you who where there and participated.

Now on a serious note. I have decided to come off and change my pain medication. I am on oxycodon in two forms A) Oxycontin. is a 12 hour continuous release tablet and B) Oxynorm. Is a quick acting version of this to get to pain and stop it instantly and very effective at it it is too.

These painkillers are stronger than morphine. They do work getting rid of my pain, but with such power comes side effects. I couldn't handle them. The effects I had where... irritability, rash, unable to urinate, feeling of being detached, feelings of unreality, loss of appetite, night sweats, constant drowsiness. I mean one or two I could have dealt with. so over two days I decreased the dose.

But today I seen my doctor and she changed me to co-codomol which hasn't helped with pain %100 but it does help. I have a total lack of energy and no lust for life. I almost feel like I am evaporating. I have no control over how I feel and believe it or not, I have been writing this since Monday and it has taken until Friday to get this far.

I feel it's important for me to keep up this blog. I started doing something good for me with this but the past while I have been finding it so hard to keep up with. I know there's a lot of people who like to read this and to you I am sorry I haven't been doing it daily. Once I am back up and high kicking I will be doing it daily.

I don't know if I have mentioned the alkaline diet to you before. I am about to start it this weekend. It has so many beneficial effects, and cancer can't survive in alkaline conditions. Sounds a bit off the wall but there is so much evidence to support it works. It means being very strict with my food and drinks, no more sugary drinks. You are allowed once a week to take a night off and give into temptation.

Other ways it improves your life is by giving you energy, takes away sugar cravings, takes your body to its natural optimum weight and basically just makes you feel amazing. In the USA they recommend very highly to cancer patients and people who have grade 4 cancer like me who are "incurable" have been cured.

It's my best chance. A very sweet go go dancer called Mia Cher also recommended to me to try vibrational medicine. Her family had there own success story through using this so I am still researching this and going to get in touch with the lady in Inverness who practices this to get more information.

I am not dead yet and still have some tricks up my sleeve but right now everything is so hard for me. I have a wheelchair on standby to get out and about this weekend, but I feel that's giving up if I use it. So we will see. I am going to try and eat tonight as this is the last night I am able to everything I want before my organic alkaline diet starts.

So my thought of the well... week?

If you had to pick your food for one last day what would you pick?

Peace, Love and alkaline batteries

xx

Blog No. 72.

I bet your surprised reading this as I am writing a blog the day after I last done one and haven't done that for a while. I still have this tired feeling it seems to be ruling my life. I went into town yesterday and after about 30-40 minutes I had to come home. I was really light headed and had kind of cloudy vision. So things like that I am finding frustrating.

It does have a plus side, I no longer need to do anything for myself and I have the perfect excuse to stay in my new bed. I am addicted to this bed, even sitting on the sofa is rubbish in comparison. I now have a TV sender in my room which I can also change channel through. So now have even less reason to get out of bed.

I do get out of bed, mainly to go to the toilet and kitchen and have a bath. Sometimes I will get out of it to go sit in the garden with the dog. But that is just about it for the reasons I will get out of it for. I seriously recommend that everyone invests a little in a memory foam mattress. It is seriously the best thing I have ever had.

The sleep you get on it gives you a feeling the next day that you have slept on air. It does take a couple of nights sleep in it to get used to it. But once you do you will know exactly what I am talking about.

I am now getting excited for Brighton. I know it wasn't my first choice but I know I am going to have a really nice time. We where going to stay in a hotel, but my friend Alan has kindly offered to put us up which saves some money. It also means we can be shown around all the sights and sounds which is good too.

One of my best friends Garry (with 2 R's) who now lives in that London is going to meet me and my sister there too on the Friday. I love seeing Garry he is such a free spirit and his energy rubs off on you. He always makes you feel good, he's unlike anyone I have ever met, he is a little treat wrapped in a wrapper made from nuttiness...

The answer to yesterday's thought is Umbrella.

So today's thought that I shall leave you with is down to Garry...

What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?

Peace Love and Umbrella's

xxx

Blog No. 71.

I am no longer going to apologise for my delay between entries here, Mainly because I can't predict how I am gong to feel one day to the next, or sometimes I have personal reasons for not writing an entry. I do want to do one every day but right now that's just not possible.

I am starting to feel better, but one day I can feel OK then the next I can feel worse. I am starting to eat, but really only a meal a day and a few things that I pick at. Even the meal I eat is half the size of what I'd normally eat. Today I bought shorts for my trip to Brighton later this week, and regular sizes no longer fit me, I had to buy kids jeans, 13-14yr old is the age, end even these are a big too big on the waist.

I am disgusted by how thin I am, I have a spine like some Alien creature, which is very uncomfortable, especially in the bath. I was given the handy tip of putting a sponge underneath the base of my spine when in the bath.

My knees dig into my legs when lying down, and have caused bruising on the opposite leg while sleeping. I now have to put a pillow between my leg when lying on my side. Vile, people often say they wish they could be thin, but I wish I wasn't this thin. It's affecting my life. Not just physically, but mentally.

I don't have the self confidence I once had. It upsets me if I catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror. The last time I properly saw myself I cried. It had been a long time since I'd looked before that time. So the difference was huge in what I last saw of myself. I have never had body issues, not saying I had a high opinion of myself, but I have always been happy and content with how I looked and my physique.

Now that has all changed and I hate it. You can all say what you want but this is a very real opinion that I have. It's how my body looks, not how I am perceiving it to look. So please don't tell me I don't look that bad, I don't want your compliments or sympathy.

The thing that's annoying me now is the god damn itching from the painkillers. My whole body has it's own turn and needing a scratch and when I get rid of one itch the next one appears. It is a lot, lot better than the pain I suffer from.

So as I mentioned earlier I am off to Brighton on Thursday. I am going with my sister, we where going to go to Barcelona but due to the B.A. strikes, the airfares had all gone up to ludicrous prices. Was going to cost about £1,500 each just to go for the weekend. Hardly worth it.

So I decided on Brighton as I want a beach and a bit of a cosmopolitan atmosphere around me.

I need to just get somewhere and relax. I have a couple of friends in Brighton too which will be nice to catch up with.

So as I now go and start my washing for going away, I shall leave you my thought of the day.

Whats goes up a chimney down but, wont go down a chimney up?

Peace Love and Brighton rock...

xxx

blog No. 70.

I am so fed up pf feeling crappy and tired. It is beginning to take over my life and my mind. I am finding everything such a struggle and effort just now which is so hard and difficult. I just wish that when I next wake up I feel fine and dandy, but it doesn't work like that, which is quite sad. I have lost so much weight and look like a big of bones. I used to love food and eating, it was a passion of mine. Now I feel like food is such a battle ground for me. I kind of feel like I would be happy if I didn't need to eat again.

I had my birthday party on Saturday. I wish I was able to enjoy it more than I did, but due to lack of energy it was a struggle for me. I got some amazing gifts and cards and again I would like to thank you for them and thank you all for coming and dancing. It means a lot to me it really does.

I am starting to eat a bit more, I hope that this week my body shall start to repair to itself. I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. I feel like I am being tortured and I just want it to stop. This is no life, and not how I want to continue. But maybe now I am starting to eat I shall return to life but it will be a slow process.

I don't have to much to say other than another thank you to all of you who made Saturday so special and beautiful for me.

My thought of the day is...

Keep the music inside you and move to the beat.

Peace Love and Music,

xxx

Blog No. 69.

I keep trying to find the words to start this blog, but they don't seem to want to flow today. If this is how you find this news out and I haven't told you then I'm sorry, but it's so hard to tell so many people you care about bad news. It's bad enough being told it yourself. But passing it on has been a task for me a very difficult one.

Yesterday I found out that the chemo hasn't been effective and that the cancer has advanced even further, everything has basically gotten bigger. I asked what does that mean, how long do I have left to live and the response was simply and devastatingly, "Months". He then said there maybe other channels I can go down but need to take a month off treatment first.

My sister was with me and seeing her upset like that has broken my heart. I have passed the news on to as many people as I could face last night and every time I told someone it was like a little piece of me was crushed. So if this is how you find out then I am sorry but I couldn't tell anymore people.

It's strange as I feel fine, not amazing as still hardly eating and have a sore back, but I feel fine, definitely not like I am dying at all. I know you will all tell me that doctor's get it wrong and people live for years. I know all this I haven't had my head buried in the sand all my life. I do believe I can be one of these people. So please if you see me out or talk to me don't tell me all this cliche stuff. And I do know first hand that doctors get it wrong it all the time.

My life is in the hands of the God's as they say. I will leave it down to fate and spend this month off trying to get myself back to a fit enough state so I can battle on with this or be Strong enough to do whatever I decide to do.

I don't have anymore information on the in's and out's of it all or what my options are so please do not question me about it. I will let you know what I know when I know it.

The thought of the day is...

What would you do with the rest of your life if you knew you only had a short time left?

Peace love and God please help me!

Blog No. 68.

I do not know where to begin. I have had the most horrific week of my life. So much happened it was all due to negligence of the NHS doctors who treated me in hospital last week, as they didn't carry out there job properly.

I ended up having to go back into hospital on Monday night as the pain in my bowels had gotten so intense. it got worse as the days went on. The painkillers IE morphine infused with other painkillers in a drip did not alleviate this. It was torture. I kept passing out from the pain. Whenever I think of the past few days I get upset so this entry may be a bit non-sensical.

I am trying to thin the story out as it is so long and a bit raw to go through it all but I will try. Basically my stent, the tube which keeps my bowels open was blocked with tumour, either new or the original has grown. That's why I couldn't pass anything at the toilet. It should have been the first thing they checked, not give me laxatives and painkillers and send me on my way.

The build up got so bad that my bowel was about to perforate, which would have killed me. This is where I get a bit graphic, I had a C.T scan and the surgeon straight away seen this, I was only x-rayed before which would not have shown what was going on at all. I was transferred and a new stent put in under the original.

As soon as the new stent went in I can only describe an explosion of faecus. I was covered from head to foot, it was in my hair down to my toes. Its the most inhumane, humiliating degrading thing I could ever Imagine happening and it did. I am crying as I type this but it was truly horrible. I will never trust a doctor again as it shouldn't have gone that far. I was left on the truly with a paper bowl under me and told too poo. I was pleading begging to go to the toilet and they said we're to busy cleaning.

The process from scan to new stent being put in was about 2 hours, the stent takes 10 minutes and they do under sedation, not exactly a hassle in the first place. I haven't eaten for about 2 weeks, and will take weeks for may appetite to return as my stomach will have shrunk, it did last time about 3 to 4 weeks it took. But I have lost so much weight through the ravishes of chemo.

I got of hospital today Saturday and I am physically in no pain or discomfort, just got 3 weeks of being stuck on the loo to look forward too. But its has left me traumatised and a little dark inside, the pain rings inside my head along with the humiliation of it all.

I have to stop typing this as I hope you understand it's really upsetting me.

My thought of the day is...

If you wouldn't let a dog suffer why a human?

Peace Love and this wasting disease

xxx

Blog No. 67.

So the move was quite simple, basically got picked up and just have to wait on my stuff to follow. Will take a few days to get everything organised properly but I am happy to know all I have to do now is basically settle. Glad to be where I have to moved to it's a very nice quiet area. We have our own garden which is great for the dog. The projector for TV isn't bad either.

There's loads to do I won't lye but it's basically unpacking and organising which is usually the most fun part I find anyway. I am just glad to have my own space at last. This is only a temporary move until me and my sister find our own place. But gives us time to think and look, and gives me my own space. Somewhere to call my own for now.

The dog doesn't travel very well as he cries so for the car journey I had to basically bribe him with dog chews to keep him quiet. He has now gone a bit manic and went wild in the garden. he will be sniffing around and around and around for days. It usually takes him three to four working days settle.

I am so excited as for my birthday Chris is buying me a memory foam mattress. I should have it next week and I tell you I can not repeat can not wait to sleep in it. Especially after how my back has been through not having a real bed. So thank you to my stunning boyfriend for that pure hundreds of love to you :-)

I still haven't pooped properly but will keep you updated on this as I am sure you are really fascinated by it. I know I am. My stomach is like a jacuzzi the noises its making are probably effecting the Richter scale I'm sure.

Well I have some organising and settling in to do so I shall leave you with my thought of the day...

If you could have a jacuzzi built into your stomach what colour would it be?

Peace love and gurgling bubbles

xx

Blog No. 66.

So where to begin firstly with apologies for not writing for a few days. I been sick and in hospital. Will let you know whats been going on in this blog. It's been a busy old week for me.

I had my intravenous chemo on Tuesday, which was such a long day as was up at six to wait on patient transport. It didn't turn up so was late for my appointment at nine.

I had to have my arm x-Rayed as my pic line (the tube in my arm) had moved. It had moved to far so had to come out. Such a relief not having it in but more annoying in a way as now have to have drips forced into my veins, and it now hurts having the chemo, not just getting it but arm been sore for a few days. But at least I can shower properly now.

So what was up with me? Basically Constipation. Don't sound too terrible, but I been blocked up for nearly 2 weeks. That's how I ended up in hospital in first place. I got took to hospital on wed night to make sure nothing has happened to my stent, I got transferred to a different hospital as the one I was in was full.

I was kept in overnight and everything is "fine". They think it's the painkillers I am on that has caused the blockages, but they had to be sure and as I wasn't able to eat or drink for a few days they wanted to give me a drip. I kept getting pumped full of morphine which is fun in it's on way.

I got sent a nurse from the Beatson who came and went through my meds with me, she decided to change my pain relief to a morphine based painkiller in a low dose, which has helped Its two different forms of the same medicine, oxycodone is the medicine, it comes it two forms, one is a slow release tablet I take twice a day and the other form of same medicine, is one i can take whenever I need to as often, which as it says on the box is for breakthrough pain relief.

They kind of make you a bit dazed, but I am used to that feeling. I also received an enema, kinda strange thing that is and was given some to take home to try flush me out. I know pleasant conversation this is. I do tell all don't I?

While I was in hospital there was arrests made, people fighting the lot. Then when I was moved to the second hospital there was a junkie in the bed next to mines, who was at it. He overheard my story as I relayed it between one medical person to the next and decided to pass on what i was saying to his family, he tried to copy my symptoms and behaviour to get some Morhpine, the staff saw through this. But God loves a trier.

It was kind of funny as he was getting all these bits mixed up and I did have a giggle at him. He then tried to play the doctors off against each other, and he was eventually signed out as fit and healthy with a dose of methadone too for his trouble. I overheard him on the phone to his dealer which was amusing as he thought if he had his back to me I couldn't hear him.

Now where am I at? Oh yes so I am out of hospital having a bit of bowel action. I move flat tomorrow (Saturday), me and my sister move in with her boyfriend for a few months. We are there so I can have my own room while me and her flat hunt. I cant wait to have some sort of sanctuary I tell you. Makes all the difference having your own space.

I feel like I have so much more to tell you about, I feel like I have been cheating my readers the past while as I haven't been typing an entry everyday, But it is hard for me sometimes, and sometimes I find myself empty or not much has happened and you can't really make up a lot on these things as you always get caught out.

I shall let you know how the move goes tomorrow so until then,

My thought of the day...

Is two the loneliest number?

Peace Love and flitting bits.

xx

Blog No. 65.

What a wonderful nights sleep I had last night. These new sleeping pills and painkillers are amazing. I had to pick up more prescriptions today, one is for my scalp a lotion, as its breaking out and I am starting to loose my hair more noticeably even though I know tricks to hide to hide it and have good products so you won't really notice. It's still a strange thing getting used to it, how it feels how I can style it and how I can have it cut.

But my scalp has been really uncomfortable and sore for about a week now, I have lost a little of my hair its just mainly got thinner and receded quite a bit more. It's a weird thing to go on about but if i shaved my head it would be my choice not to have hair but loosing it like this feels like another battle but not one that consumes me.

I do like having hair as it identifies who you are and makes a statement about who you are too.

But all in all I am not too fussed about it.

I am also on a kind of laxative as the painkillers I am on can cause me to be blocked up, it's more of a sugar syrup than a pill I don't really know how it works but it tastes nice. A bit like maple syrup, Better not take too much or I will have funny marks in me pants hahaha.

Tonight I am going to have a nice romantic dinner with Chris, really looking forward to it it will be our first kind of date as we usually go for a night out when I am feeling fit enough but usually are confined to the house because I am to sick to go out.

Can't tell you how much I am looking forward to it. Will be nice ah bless. I need to tidy up the flat and walk the dog but I have plenty of time. Mind you the painkillers have made me get a bit a spacey at times so I feel everything will be done in a rush this evening as I don't seem to notice time has passed.

Well I guess I should go and stare into space a bit more and enjoy my relaxing afternoon before I have to tidy and clean up.

So the thought of the day is...

Staring into Space or going into Space?

Peace, Love and Space Raider's

xx

Blog No. 64.

So for the past few days I have been having these real bad stomach cramps, which is normal but the pain is almost making me cry. I imagine it's like contractions in birth as it is so bad. I have been put onto pure dihydrocodeine today by the doctor which is a slow release version so only need to take two to three in a day.

The sleeping pills seem a bit old school and the side effects sound hilarious. Like sleep walking, Sleep eating (which I already have been known to do), sleep driving (I don't drive or have a car thank God), Sleep sex (Chris watch out), memory and confusion problems in one out of ten people.

They sound fun so I guess people of Glasgow if you see me tonight in a zombified state having sex and baking cakes, don't worry I didn't mean it and please don't wake me up.

Hopefully I will get a decent nights sleep, which I am so looking forward to. I always do. When I get new sleeping pills it's like Christmas will they work won't they work, what they going to feel like working. Oh and to cure your curiosity they are called zolpidem. Only thing is with the painkillers and sleeping pills I have to avoid alcohol.

Especially with the sleeping pills in case I stop breathing, or don't wake up for three days. so no alcohol for me and on my week off chemo too. But kind of glad as I am wanting a relaxed weekend. Going to Book our cruise tomorrow which is exciting.

Even though it's going to be October when we go it still gives me something to look forward to. I can't wait it will be so worth the wait. A week of fun and sun in the Mediterranean with the people I love.

I think these painkillers are kicking in as I am feeling a bit groggy and confused and Don't wanna make to much of a plonker of myself.

So the thought of the day is...

Will I actually get into mischief with these new pills?

Peace, love and doing the dirty in your sleep.

xxx

Blog No. 63.

Sorry yesterdays blog wasn't amazing but I wasn't feeling amazing. I have ran out of sleeping pills and not slept properly for about a week. It really effects me as I do love my sleep. I miss being able to sleep naturally. I used to take pills called melatonin. Which if you research into them reduce the ageing process, help with menopause, cancer, immune system and many other benefits. Melatonin is the hormone your Brain produces to send you to sleep.

You used to be able to buy in Holland and Barret here until it got taken off the shelves but is available in the USA over the counter therefor it's available on eBay and very cheap too. I have taking them before as sleeping pills and they work, so I believe in there health benefits as well as there sleeping power.

I been having bad stomach cramps the past few days, round the area where the tumour is. Not been too pleasant the past few days, I feel better than I did the last few days, thank God. But still never feel amazing. I am now on my first day of no chemo until next Tuesday. So a few days of my body repairing then I will feel fine then BANG straight back into the routine.

I only have 2 more cycles around 7 weeks left until I hopefully get a bit of a break from it all. I can't wait to have this break I don't know how long I will have but even a month without being controlled by appointments, chemo, planning when I feel good to do something, which is usually spur of the moment as I can't say on this day I will feel like this...

I wish I could say when I will be feeling what and when I am going to be feeling it. But c'est la vie. It's all in the hands of the God's as they say.

I better go and eat something now I have a bit of an appetite.

So the thought of the day is...

Mel and Kim or melatonin?

peace love and deep deep sleep...

xx

Blog No. 62.

So Saturday was big jokes I had an absolute ball. And hope everyone else did too.

I been feeling quite sick the past few days there's been a bug going round and I am worried I may have caught it as I know it will practically destroy me. We will wait and see what happens.

I am now off chemo for a week and have two more cycles to go before I get some sort of a break. We are still looking into booking or cruise and may go in October on the same ship we did as last time, Royal Caribbean all the way. Its a Mediterranean cruise so means I wouldn't have to fly for long either. I just want a break now :-( starting to get the fed feeling coming over me again. I guess I should go sorry it's a bit short and sweet but I feel like hell.

The thought of today is...

Don't think just do...

peace love and love bugs

xx

Blog No. 61.

So I am currently at Chris's parents house while he preens himself for tonight's shenanigans. I so can't wait for my night tonight, have my new decks to play with and some new sounds to experiment with. All in all an exciting day.

Went into town to book my cruise, well price so we're currently at 865 per person, lets see how much we finally get for before we book it next week. It's with celebrity cruises 5* liners they look amazing and will be so relaxing. We are not planning to go until the 18th September and it's a Mediterranean cruise so weather with still be nice and warm.

I have so much to do today like sort out music, burn CD's and plan my look for this evening.

So I guess I better go and get on with it.

The thought of the day is....

If God is a DJ does that mean I am God?

Peace love and busy bee's

xxx

Blog No. 60.

So where to begin, I had my psychic night last night and it was amazing. Hard to describe the way she gives you a reading, it's like talking to an old friend who knows you, she doesn't really go in any particular order and so you get one bit of info, then more about something else then she comes back. She even impersonates the people to a total tee alive or dead when she speaking about them.

She told me all about my illness and knew where I feel pain and that I go to the toilet more often and that the cancer had spread. She had strong vibes of music about me and seen me as a DJ. She said that's when I truly come alive and shine, I kind of act while I DJ. She also See's me going back into fashion in a year or two with someone with a fat cheque, we'll see about that.

She knew everything about how I used to live my life, my old diet exactly what I ate. She even spoke about my relationship with Chris and said he was sent to me and I have gotten better since meeting him, which I have. She also knew that had been talking about going to Brighton for a weekend and that we are soul mates. She also said I could choke him at times which is true as he always runs late and it drives me mad.

That's all I am really going to say other than it was amazing and if your in Scotland and want her contact number E-mail me pnich250583@hotmail.com or facebook me if your on my facebook.

She told Chris pretty much the same about us two and my friend Rosie's reading was all true too.

It really zapped your energy and I fell asleep for the first time in an age without sleeping pills last night and had a real deep nice sleep.

I have my club night tomorrow and can't wait to come alive again.

Today I am feeling really good and positive apart from my sore head.

So the thought for today is...

Fresh peas or frozen?

Peace, Love and Eve

xx

Blog No. 59.

So today is the day of all days. I have my psychic night tonight really looking forward to it. And since yesterdays reiki I feel amazing. This stuff really works. Cant wit for tonight as Rosie gets to meet my boyfriend Chris which is exciting and then the readings.

I also came up with the theme for my birthday party in a month from nows time, ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD" I want joan and jackie collins glamour twisted with ghetto chic bling. Total wow factor is what I am looking for and can't wait for it as I need this birthday to be amazing as I don't know what will happen next year.

I am celebrating my birthday early as I get my last dose of chemo on the day of my birthday before I get my break.

I have to totally tidy this flat up for tonight and shower and look nice. I am really looking forward to meeting the psychic she said she is really tall and she is an older woman. She sounds really interesting on the phone and I still don't have a sore back how amazing's that.

So today I have a good day and will tomorrow with Chris as he staying over. Then on Saturday is my club night which I am so excited for as I have my new decks and get to use them for the first time and will be able to DJ the way I know I can and by that I mean good.

The night will be mayhem which I love watching and joining in on I come alive again when I DJ as music is my soul, my life and my disease. It fixes me from opera, to metal, to uplifting house and even pounding dirty electro. It all moves me in ways I cant describe.

I guess I should go and tidy up and shower and all that crap.

So the the thought of the day is...

psychic or psycho?

Peace Love and channelling

xxx

Blog No. 58.

So I have been spending the day with Garry starmanny with the star before he jets off back to London this evening. We have had a total ball while he has been here and today we are just being chilled watching trashy TV. A very nice and sweet friend came over and gave the both of us reiki and WOW go get it off someone (as long as if they know what they are doing).

Its such a relief and the feelings of my chemo seem to have evaporated. It's hard to describe what it feels like, it's just energy flowing through your body and you feel where the energy is its so hard to describe. But I feel OK now and so does he.

She knew exactly where my tumour was and where i have pins in my hip and that I have a bad knee. weird.

I am so excited about the piece The Guardian are doing on blog and wish it was now that it was now the piece was done. But patience is a virtue.

I am going to back and spend time with my friend Garry as we only have a couple of hours left before he goes back to the big smoke.

The thought for the day is...

Reiki me up before you go go

Peace, Love and at one with the universe

xx

Blog No. 57.

I know I not written for a few days but I been catching up with two of my friends one whom has been travelling the world for nine months and the other who is up from London. The show went on on Saturday night. It was fun I had a ball even when I had to finish early due to a technical fault, but in all was a great night.

Been spending loads of time with my friends this weekend and my beau. Can't tell you how nice it is to have the people I have in my life I am truly lucky and blessed. We chatted drank wine listened to music and watched DVD's.

This morning I checked my E-mail's and The Guardian newspaper have gotten in touch to do a piece about me and my blog in the next week or two. I am so happy at this. Finally I can maybe get some sort of message out to even more people and I feel honoured that they have decided on me.

As for how I am feeling well the chemo has definitely started to kick in. I feel so tired and lethargic. Vomiting less but feels more harsh how nice. I have my club night on Saturday but I will be feeling fine by then. I was supposed to see my psychic on Sunday evening, but she had to cancel as had an emergency but she was on the phone to me for about 20 minutes and told some interesting stuff

She said I can feel your back pain and then she took it away, this was Friday when she rang and my back hasn't been sore since. I am so looking forward to meeting her on Thursday will be an experience at least.

I am going to go just now as I have to take today's first dose of chemo. Happy days

So my thought of the day is...

What would you do if you found weasels under your bed?

Peace Love and Happy Days (i used to love that show)

xx

Blog No. 56.

I can not thank and believe how many reads I have had on my blog over 11,300. Absolutely amazing and thank you for reading. I mainly do it as i type what flows into my head and read a week behind so I can look back and see how I felt and what differences I have. I also want raise awareness, get yourself checked out even if no history in your family.

I had no symptoms for five years, and look at me now. Get yourself checked just do it better to get it caught early rather than be in the position of waiting your death. I want to go on TV and talk about this as men in general ignore there health. I had piles from straining on the loo so much which is a sign of bowel cancer, but can be simple enough to just be piles.

I am upbeat today as have a gig tomorrow and no matter how rough I am I will do it, The show must go on. I love that phrase at its true. I can not wait for tomorrow, it's a bar gig so an early one 8-12 which means if I am rough I don't have to be out late.

Chris is spending a few days with me I love him being here he really makes me forget but I wasn't much company last night as was very sick and tired but he held me and looked after me, and he is such an amazing guy I can't tell you.

I hope my new decks arrive today, damn couriers I need them for tomorrow as I want to do an amazing job with my set. I see decks as instruments not merely a way of playing music. They are the same one's i used to have which I used to death but they have built in sound effects and you can digitally scratch as they are CD decks and do some amazing stuff with them.

Today I am just nauseous feeling but the anti sickness are helping me with that. I had a good nights sleep and awoke to an amazing gift from julienne (from fabric) A whole collection of there CD's and fabric ice cube tray and fabric's oven glove. I am in heaven and I love you so so much salope I really really do.

So I Guess I better go as have about 20 CD's to work through and will keep me lifted for months.

So the thought of the day is...

I LOVE JULIENNE BISOUS BISOUS

Peace Love and Chateaux Madame

xx

Blog No. 55.

Today I feel so sick. I woke up with vomit all down my front lucky I didn't choke in my sleep. However Chris (my boy) is on his way over and has the missing cable for a massage chair he gave me so at last I can relieve my back. Its so sore from not being able to do much and pain killers are no longer helping it. I had deep tissue massage a few weeks ago and i felt great for a week.

I will have another one done once my money isn't so tight. Having this illness is quite expensive, with the food I need to eat, extra heating costs, private treatments and the things I save and buy to make me feel better. I do deserve stuff so donations welcome haha.

I hope this sickness goes away by tomorrow I am fed up with it and today feel quite exhausted. Now listening to music to see if it lifts me like yesterday. I did earlier on and had a dance on my bed and maybe that's whats tired me out I don't know.

One of my closest friends or brother as he is to me is up from London he is from Glasgow originally and I can't wait to see him. He is coming to my psychic night on Sunday I am mega looking forward to it. I got to skip the years waiting list as she knew I was ill, freaky eh? More on that in the following days.

I shall go just now as still have a bit of tidying up to do which if I wasn't sick would take five minutes but will take me forty five.

So the thought of the day is...

If you could pick someone as an extra brother or sister who would it be and why?

Peace Love and Visitations.

xxx

Blog No. 54.

Well yesterday the chemo hit me like a brick. I still felt rubbish until i started to listening to music, now I am dancing in my bed. Like I have caught a bug. Music is my life I guess and without it I am nothing. Love how it's lifted me in an instant. Like a drug.

I have ran out of fags and to scared to go to the shop as I am on cold avoiding duties and the pins and needles are really putting me off. But I went and managed It. I am smoking so much just now, but it's my only vice that and sex.

I think this cycle of chemo is really gonna hit me hard. I feel really rough already, slightly better after the music listening but not a 100%.

I been thinking about my funeral and truly meant what i said a few blogs back except the webcam. I want to put the fun into funeral. a FUN-ERAL. I know people may think it's daft but I want to be celebrated not mourned. I lived life to the full and want to go out with a bang.

Today I am looking forward to seeing my boyfriend tomorrow and getting my new decks tomorrow. My beautiful froggy friend who works for the club fabric (high up you know) she helps with running is sending me a collection of there cd's today cant wait more presents and music.

Julienne is the most amazing salope (french for bitch) that has entered my joyous life. She has taught me things you can't imagine and been a sprit in disguise. LA NUIT julienne LA FUCKING NUIT. J'adore vous mon salope bisous bisous.

OK I am going to go and listen to some music and lift myself.

So the thought of the day is...

Let the music flow into your body and lift your soul for it's the medicine of life.

Peace, Love and MUSIC IS DISEASE

xx

Blog No. 53.

First of all I shall talk about my appointment today. I didn't get the full results as the radiologist hadn't passed over the original CD ROM of my first scan. But he compared the notes. The cancer and tumour haven't shrunk, but remain the same. Not any worse but not any better. It was a bit of an anti climax but my colitis has gone, my bowel has gone back to it's normal size and the swelling and fluid from my liver has gone.

Basically my bits and bobs look normal. I was also told for sure the my life expectancy is between two to five years. So I now know I wont grow old and will save a fortune on face lifts. I genuinely don't feel sad about this as those of you who know me know I have lived a very full and fulfilling life. Just saddens me I will leave you all behind.

I want a fun funeral, know black and know hymns. I am not religious so don't want a run of the mill funeral. I want sparkle and glitter and indoor fire works. I want my music in my bin bag or coffin and vodka, sailor Jerry rum and Jack Daniels and want a leopard print coffin with a webcam.

Now to change the subject I had the night of stress from hell, which thankfully I can now laugh at. It's almost a sitcom situation. My sister and her boyfriend rolled in from the pub after a whole day alcohol drinking and cigarette smoking. That's usually annoying when your sobre, drunk people I mean. But the night before the most stressful day of my life I was raging.

They had witnessed a typical quiet fight in the pub involving bottles and knives and the police had locked down the pub. So had to listen to them rant loudly about it and I was ready to stab them myself. Then the fiasco happened. Claire's (my sister) boyfriend wanted to lock the flat door to feel safe and used my key. There's two locks on the door and we only use the top one which is what I have the key for, but he managed to use it to lock the bottom one which I have no idea how he managed to do so.

The door would not unlock as Claire's keys where in her bag which was in her boyfriends flat. I was freaking out at this point. We only have windows which open at the top and there narrow. The lock wouldn't unlock no matter what we done.

Steven (the B.F.) managed to undo the window in the bathroom and squeeze out. Still no idea how he fitted and went and got Claire's keys out his flat that crisis was over. But I told Claire I couldn't believe that she got drunk when I had such an important day. And she went crazy as drunk girls do we argued, but being Bro. and Sis. it's expecting from time to time and we always only fall out for five minutes.

I was so angry last night then my sleeping pills kicked in. And this morning we laughed so much about the nonsense the night before. It seems far fetched and if I wasn't there I wouldn't believe it But now it's funny and I something to hold over her head and cast up when I want something so it was worth it.

Today I bought new shoes there pure nice.

So my thought of the day is...

If you could lock someone in a cupboard who would it be and what would you do to them?

Peace, Love and two rotten hangovers (not mine)

xx