Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Blog No. 75.

I can't tell you how scared I am right now. I had a meeting with my professor on Monday. I asked him questions about what I will go through at the end, if I will suffer, if I will be in pain, these things have been on mind a lot. He said it won't be dramatic (shame) and very peaceful. He said I will die of liver failure basically as that's where the cancer is going to go to. I will gradually fade out, turn that lovely yellow colour at the end.

Kind of hard to accept your going to die of liver failure especially when you haven't damaged your liver through alcohol. I can count on one hand the amount of alcoholic drinks I have had in the last 6 weeks, so just goes to show you don't matter what you do you can still die of something.

The reason I am really scared just now, is because it's a gradual descent. Your appetite decreases and so does your energy and it gets less and less. I don't have an appetite really at all just now and can't eat much. I also just want to sleep all the time. I have been putting it down to any factor I can, and there is a few reasons that could be causing it, but right now I am scared it is because of the cancer.

If I don't regain my appetite and get a bit more lively in the next month then I know for sure that I am fading out. It's so terrifying to know you only have a month to know if your as close to death as you fear. It's on my mind constantly, dying, It's not that I have given in, or that I really believe I am, but I have to be honest with myself and know it's going to happen a lot sooner than later.

It's strange, all my life I have know that I would die young. I even had thoughts in the past that I had cancer, but obviously you don't really believe it. I do not know why I have had these thoughts and feelings but once in a blue moon I would think that. Strange how we don't listen to ourselves. Wish I did.

I wish none of this happening, I wish my family and my partner didn't have to go through this and my friends too. It makes me feel so sad knowing I am going to leave. Not for me, but for you and them. My sister and I are so incredibly close, I don't know how I can leave her. My partner too, He is a big ray of light in my life and doesn't deserve this. Who will look after him, how will he cope?

That is what scares me about death, leaving people, not the act. It happens to us all and I guess I can try and justify what's happening to me until I am blue in the face but to be honest, there is no justice to it. Sure I have done things wrong, but who hasn't? I put right these wrongs as best I can and believe in moving on but right now, I don't see any way of fixing this.

I also buried my Grandfather today. His funeral was huge, he was a very well respected member of his community, and was involved in so many different things from youth groups, to photographing weddings, first communions, baptisms and any other local event that took place.
His mass was beautiful the choir sang and it was all just beautiful. The church was packed and it was comforting to know he was so loved by everyone.

Anyway, on a cheerier note I am DJ'ing on Friday at bloc for my club night. DJ'ing is my life's passion, and I feel I am going to have to give it up soon. I really struggled last month at my birthday and my energy levels have improved slightly but I am worried that this one will also be a struggle. If it is I will have to go into retirement sooner rather than later.

Makes me sad knowing I will have to give it up, but I also want to end on a high rather than getting to the stage I don't get to say goodbye to my once promising career. I have achieved a lot through playing music, and met some wonderful and very colourful people along the way. Some nights have been successes other's flops. But I have loved every minute of it and know I am truly lucky to have found a job in which I put all my passion, heart, soul and love into.

Thank you for being my life, Music, I love you.

So I bid you goodnight or day depending on when you are reading this and the thought?

If you had one song to sing, what would it be?

Peace Love, and don't cry me.


  1. One song: Well, you and I both appreciate a bit of DEVO but mine might now be your crazy Robyn/Dominator mash-up from Friday - or did I imagine that? (You looked great by the way.)
    First thought The Beloved "Sweet Harmony" but then it's a bit cheesy/repetitive.
    I had the album "John Lennon Rock 'n' roll" as a child (from a sale bin) so his version of Stand By Me is very nostalgic.
    What's yours?

  2. Arthur Russell That's us/Wild combination x

  3. And then after that Dinosaur L Go bang...and then nah only kiddin i know...only one...fuck sake. 'bang da bang bang oh baby woaaaaaa'

  4. alll good choice, and miss scanner we have very similar music tastes. The robyn track was the rex the dog remix but not sure what the other track is your on about for it being a mash up but will go check, it was dancing on my own rex the dog rmx.

    And I love dinosaur lol x

  5. Och, don't listen to me, I thought I heard Human Resource's Dominator mixed with 'Dancing on my Own', ha, ha... xx

  6. oh i mixed it in then played it after lol x