Blog No. 74.

It's 2am and I am lying awake thinking of quite a few things. Today my Grandfather passed away. I was very close to him, he and my Grandmother practically brought me up. Me my sister and my 2 cousins would go to there house everyday after school to be looked after while our parents where at work. My poor Grandmother will be distraught, they have been married for 60 years if not more. She also has Alzheimer's and I don't know how she will cope without him or if she will remember if he is gone in her day to day life.

I also Have the cancer clinic tomorrow. I am dreading it. Every time I go it's bad news and I don't know what they can offer me since now in there eyes I am a hopeless cause. I would rather not go and just leave my life up to fate as what will be will be. I also have to see the surgeon who put my new stent in on Thursday too and my Grandfathers funeral will probably be on Wednesday.

A bit of a harsh week you could say. But tonight lots of things are on my mind. Mostly tomorrow as I feel everything is final now in the cancer department. Since being told I would probably have only months left to live I feel they have given up on me and all they will offer is more chemo or nothing. They told me last time more chemo would be pointless as they would use a different combination, it would also be less effective second time round. Which since the first lot didn't work I do not see the point in destroying myself further.

It's a strange feeling having your life out of your hands and knowing at any moment you can take ill and that be it. I don't have it on my mind 24/7 but when these appointments come up you can't help but think about it all. I know what doctors say isn't the law. But when they tell you bad news it's hard for it to not hit you as you do expect them to know what they are on about.

I guess I should just go and be with my thoughts as my concentration isn't too good.

Today's thought?

Well my thoughts are with my family especially my Grandparents.

Peace love and family ties.

xxx

In the loving memory of my Grandfather,

Rest In Peace.