Blog No. 18/19.

So yesterday I decided to to take the day off. Not off from my blog, but off from cancer. So not writing the blog was part of it. On Friday night I went to my friend Rosie's house. Before we went there we went to the brunswick hotel where I used to work and met my friend Stephen and Zoe. Two of my faves. Then Gill came and met us there. To have a night in the pub was amazing. Just being surrounded by fun and lively people, people who don't know I'm sick.

We headed to Rosie's house. We drank, we danced, we sang and I was surrounded by three total babes. Her boyfriend stoo had made us thee most amazing ginger ale scones. Little tastes of heaven they where, he also donated to me a very stunning black rabbit fur, Russian hat.

After Rosie's house i went Nice 'n' Sleazy's. Didn't have to Que as my pal Bonner was on the door. I saw loads of familiar faces Including my odd shoe G. What a blast I had dancing in the basement, laughing at people and drinking and just being "normal" It felt like the night of my life I was teary at some points just because I was happy. Haven't felt that in a long time. That buzz of being out, having fun. First Fun I had in months and boy did I grab with both hands.

After the dancing had stopped, I went to my non matching shoes house. A few people showed up and we had such a laugh. Just like old times. Kris and gill popped over later and we had a nice cosy chat and cigarette. Don't ask gill what she's doing as she's just dancing hahahaha.

After a rest it was time for my "holiday" my overnight trip to largs. Going to stay at my sisters boyfriend, Stephens parents house who are away on holiday. I was exhausted. But what a time I have had. Its only about 40 minutes from Glasgow and is a seaside town. Amusements, fish and chips, ice cream parlours, pubs and wind. I have decided the look of the village is windswept.

Even the signposts have the look of the season. We decided to start drinking as soon as we got there. One in the afternoon. The vodka I must say revived me. We headed into the village where it all goes on. We had a delicious lunch, and i had delicious cocktails. Bought myself a fancy lighter to cheer myself up. I bought 2 scarecrows as well.

After lunch and shopping we headed back to the house with more alcohol and cigarettes. We got rather merry and ordered windswept Chinese food. Magnus my sis's b/f's friend ordered it and ordered sooo much food we actually had a buffet. There was whole of portions of food leftover when we departed today.

We then got ready and headed to quite a nice bar in the village. After about 10 minutes I was really tired. Couldn't finish my drink so went home. My sister stayed out with her b/f and I went into a coma. I got to bed 11pm and slept until 7.30 this morning.

I woke up refreshed as I paced myself with the alcohol. This morning we went to the famous nardini's for ice cream. The place has been there since the 1930's and is its original art deco wonderfulness. The ice-cream was an orgasm in my mouth. So delicious. I had sundae with honeycomb toffee chocolate and more chocolate with vanilla milkshake on the side. An overdose of ice-cream me thinks YUMSH.

We then went to a little shop and bought some gifts and headed to the amusement arcades.

Won no money but had a blast on 2 roller coaster simulators. They where hilarious made me and sister bang our heads together (we needed it). After that we wanted to ten pin bowl, but it was booked up. :-( swines.

I am now writing this on my way home in the car (thank god for dongles) I would like to thank everyone who has played part in this weekend from the bottom of my heart, even those of you are not mentioned. For making this thee most fun time for me. I feel chilled and almost ready for hospital mode tomorrow for my blood tests, then Tuesday back onto the chemotherapy.

So for my last night of freedom I am meeting up with la roux aka Georgia for drinkys (yes more) and a right good laugh. Cant wait.

So until tomorrow I will leave you with my thought of the day...

who ate all the prawn toast?

peace love and hairspray

x

Blog No. 17.

I am now back in Glasgow and feeling my good old (bad) self. I have just been to see my psychologist and got the process of mental healing (again) back on track. I managed to have a good cry and they are going to be seeing regularly which is good. They said the emotions are going to be like a ripple effect. They are a really good team where I go and being seen by the same people, who for some reason remembered me.

The one of things I worry about is my mental health. I am well again thanks to the lithium. But with all this stress I am scared I may get ill. That would be catastrophic.

I am really looking forward to my night at rosies tonight. Shes so sweet and beautiful and I know we will dance on pillows like the good old days so that the neighbours downstairs don't hear us banging. I hope her boyfriend has had is apron and been baking. apparently he's really good. I will let you know. I am excited for drinks and cakes haha, how modern.

Tomorrow I go to largs to stay for the night and will be going to the best ice cream parlour, nardini's It will be amazing they do irn bru flavour ice cream. I used to love an irn bru or red cola ice cream float. I am gonna have sundaes and a milkshake, double ice cream heaven.

I have a malteasers bunny to eat gonna bight its head off and eat it mmmmm.

So i will now leave you with my thought of the day,

What is salt made from?

peace love and pillow dancing

xxx

Blog No. 16.

Oops like horny 13 yr old girl I'm late. Sorry for the delay but i got distracted visiting my granny.

She has Alzheimer's and takes up time. She does make me laugh tho she has a great sense of humour. And some the things she comes out with are crazy. She has about ten handbags stuffed full of money and can never find any of them.

She packed my pops stuff for the hospital. Just as well we looked in it first as it was a bra nightdress and her slippers. I know its a shame but it was so funny even she laughed.

I am glad to be having this week off today I feel really good. Have got in touch with 2 people i have not heard from for a long time. I missed both of them very much especially my friend G. It was my fault me and him lost touch and I will have to do a lot to put things right. Its not for all your ears what happened.

He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We where so close and he is so the opposite of me image wise. People would be like how did you even meet. He's a big straight guy and I am the gay tattooed freak we looked so odd next to each other. Like when someone wheres shoes that don't match there outfit. It has made me so happy to hear from him today.

Good things are happening, like my dinner being made, Cajun chicken it smells so good. The snow is still ball deep here and I am worried that I am going to get snowed in. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so need to get back to Glasgow.

I also need to get back as going to my friend rosie's flat for a night of alcohol and cakes. I am soo looking forward to a good old knees up. Will be nice.

I am staring to get p**sed off at people asking how I am. So in future read this and If I am not good you will know hahaha.

I like this feeling of goodness I have today, combination of reacquainting with old friends and time of chemo and feeling a lot less lousy.

My thought of the day is...

Should vegans and vegetarians be allowed to eat meat flavoured stuff?

peace love and yum yum times.

xxx

Blog No. 15.

You'll never guess, go on try. I managed to get a 12 hour uninterrupted sleep. I feel so refreshed today. I feel like I could go out and actually do something. Only draw back... there is 4ft of snow outside. I am not exaggerating. The front door cant open. Trust me and my good luck. So today is a day for hot chocolate and chocolate and whatever else. I am craving all food so will eat and eat until I am sick.

Today my pops is doing a little better. He didn't have anymore seizures last night and slept most of the night. He has managed to sit up today also. I am unable to go to hospital to visit him, 1 due to snow, and 2 due to the fact I cant risk getting any sort infection. My family loves the hospital. I think we are addicted to it theres always one of us in there. I feel like that's all my life is, hospitals, home visits, and GP's.

I have a bit of block today on what to write about. I am quite speechless today. So rather than write about nothing and cancer I think I will give you all a rest rather than spoil this blog.

So my thought of the day is...

Past? Present? or Future?

peace love and diet coke break

xxx

Blog No. 14.

I managed to have on ok'ish nights sleep. I went to sleep early so woke up early. I am now nitrazepam. Its wonderful. It takes a while to send you to sleep but before it does for about an hour you feel nice and fuzzy. I feel very relaxed today.

Last night my very sweet and beautiful friend Rosie came to visit. She gave me lots of sweets and ice cream. Guess what I am now able to eat it and she brought me my favourite, Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie. I ate the whole tub and it was such a relief to get rid of that craving. She also brought a tub of hagen daazs (if that's how you spell it) pecan and toffee. That's still unopened. The feeling of relief was as good as when you are desperate for the toilet and get to go and you go ahhhhhh.

I am now out in the countryside visiting family for a few days. As soon as I arrived I went to my grandparents house and literally as soon as I arrived my grandfather who is quite ill took a seizure and has now been taking to hospital. We have been assured that he should be ok. But its a scary thing to witness. I don't seem to be able to avoid hospitals and nurses. I must be cursed.

I am in a good mood (apart from worrying about my pops) as I have one more dose of my chemo to take tonight then have a break for a week. Its such an amazing feeling to know I have a break. Even though i still need to be careful and will still be sick but not to be controlled by pills is a nice feeling.

I received a nice gift and letter from my recently reunited cousin louise. It was a wee tiny angel in a glass heart. It strange as I believe in angels and you may think I am mental but I have seen them when I actually died 3 times in hospital a few years ago. I wont go into that but my friends no what happened. The strange thing about angels is they have no faces. The theory is because they are celestial beings, not dead humans promoted, us humans cant comprehend what they look like. So the gift has a lot meaning to me. Strange how she randomly picked it and thought of me.

Today I have an appetite and been feeling hungry which i have been savouring the feeling of before eating as I forgot what's like and its actually quite pleasurable. Weird eh?

So today I am gonna stuff my face as much as possible. Speaking of which I am gonna sign off and raid the fridge till it's empty.

Today's thought...

Is gluttony really a sin?

peace love and an empty fridge

xxx

Blog No. 13.

Yes tomorrow is my last day of chemo for a week. I cant wait to not be regimented by these tablets. Forcing food down at awkward times just to take them. And a break from the daily struggle taking them. This is the week when my immune system is really down and when i get sick so its not much of a break. But just to not HAVE to take them means I can relax a little.

As you know i had a bit of dram at the doctors on Friday. But its been sorted out and they couldnt apologise enough. I also had my swine flu booster jab today. Not pleasant feels like being punched in the arm. Whilst in the waiting area I changed seat about six times. every time I moved someone else would sit next to me and be coughing. I would move to where there was loads of seats and each time they would sit right next to me. I thought how inconsiderate. So I had my gloves and scarves over mouth must've looked odd. with that and changing seat every 2 minutes.

Yesterday two of my very good friends came over to visit jo and kris. What a laugh we had making fun of jo, I wont say what about I think he had enough abuse for one day. Kris was very kind and gave me a copy of logic pro for my mac. Its a programme that allows you to make music. Its amazing and does so so much so now I have something to occupy my time and to phone kris up every 5 minutes and annoy him when i cant do something.

We had home made spaghetti bolgnaise home made by lovely glamorous assistant I mean sister claire. I feel exhausted today. Must have been too much excitement yesterday.

Being exhausted is starting to really get on my nerves. Its such a hard feeling to describe as its a tiredness without being tired enough to sleep. Just no energy and a great feeling of can't be bothered. I feel like I am forcing myself to do a lot of things but I need to do that otherwise I would do nothing at all. But its still hard getting used to doing nothing.

By the time I get energy back I am straight into chemo again. The joys of it all. I really wish I didn't have anymore to go when i start next week I will have 15 weeks left. Still a lot but a little less. I am hoping to get away in the summer to rest in the sun. Hopefully I wont have to do more chemo after this. I really think I would struggle with the thought of that. Continuing to live without living.

Its quite strange how normal my life can seem to me sometimes then I think or gt reminded that I am missing out on so much of the little things. One of my friends went to London and it was frustrating I wasn't there to take part in the fun. I really miss having fun. I will be honest I am not having fun at all just now and that's the one of the hardest things of this. If i was on the waltzers I would want to get off, but life's not a funfair just now and I cant get off.

Funny how i always talk about daft things like ice cream and waltzers. I must be 5 in the head. Oh well.

So today's thought is

salted popcorn or sugar?

peace love and roundabouts

xx

blog No. 12.

So all day i was excited for going the pub (bar bloc+) where i used to dj. When I went at about 9.30 I had butterflys. Cant believe I was excited about the pub. I had a great wee hour. I even managed to have an alcoholic drink or 2 but no more. I had sailor jerry rum and coke. Was to little glasses of heaven. I already know I am now a cheap date. As i was a little merry after.

A good thing happened tho. I got offered my old club night back and we have sorted out to do when I am on my good week. So anyone from glasgow come to bar bloc on march 13th and I'll show you what dj'ing is. and if you font know me i will give you wee list of who I have played with in london.

mutya,

sam sparro,

skin (skunk anansie)

V V brown,

Kissy sell out,

dan guliesspie sells, (the feeling)

siouxsi sioux (what a legend)

there are many more but I only give out samples.

I am really lookig forward to doing what i love again. It might be tough but as far as I am concerned it will be worth it. A night of my normality. Which is pretty weird so yeah as bruciey would say..... come on down.

I managed to sleep last night as a doctor came out to see me and gave me lorazepam. I was out for about 10 hours and it was heaven. I have eneough for tonight til i go to my docs tomorrow to shout at them about the meds they gave me.

I found out those meds could have been quite harmfull to me as the decrease your white blood cells. which is what chemo does too. But to add to that could have made me really ill. So i need to drag my sister along to make sure I dont go to crazy. Also getting my second swine flu jab tomorrow. Thats going to be fun.

I also got a mouthwash for my ulcers which numbs the pain away. It works straight away and lasts 3 hours or so, Its heaven. I think I could become addicted to it because the feeling of relief it gives is indescribable. Heaven in a glass bottle me thinks.

I feel like I am on a bit of a journey to myslef to show that even tho I am sick I am still me. I do have to change a hell of a lot. But if little bits of me can still come out then i think i will be ok.

The thought of dj'ing again fills me up with hope that I can still have some sort of life and will be able to see all my friends while I am doing it.

I am going to do some cleaning today how exciting so i will now leave you with my though of the day...

if you where chocolate would you eat yourself?

peace love and musique

xx

blog No. 11.

So yesterday I felt quite nauseous all day. Wasn't good. I am nearly at the point where i get break from my chemo for a few days. Tuesday will be the last day i take my home chemo until the week after I can't wait to have a rest from these pills. Apparently it's the week off when you feel sickest. So we will have to wait and see. but just having a break will be nice.

I called the doctor yesterday to sort out some sleeping tablets. I got so excited at the thought of having a good nights sleep. I am starting to forget what an actual long deep sleep is. The stupid doctor gave me pills called FUPENTIXOL. Its the WRONG stuff. I looked this stuff up on the net once I had got them to see what they where as they didn't come with the exciting leaflet. They are an anti psychotic and cause insomnia.

I can't tell you how annoyed that made me. Honestly I could have killed someone. And as i got them in the evening I now cant do anything about it until Monday. I thought YEEEESSSS I am gonna have a nice sleep tonight. Then i get the wrong thing. Its the receptionist fault getting the phone convo wrong or mixed up. Why do the receptionist at the doctors think they are doctors because they work in surgery. oh well.

I am thinking of coming to Glasgow as so far today I feel ok. I am going to go the pub. Don't worry I am not going to drink. I attempted to have one drink last night. but after 3 or 4 sips i felt rather sick. I may also go out for food i check me. But yes tonight I will be out will be amazing to see people.

My sister will be coming with me to make sure i am ok. so if anyone i know in Glasgow is free tonight then come along and say hi.

I don't how much tv i have watched over the last few months but i think i am addicted to it hahaha. I still cant believe it was stacey i am honestly shocked. Cant believe that I am having feelings about tv. I have gone slightly mental being locked in the house. Maybe the doctor did prescribe the right thing?

Anyway I am off to have a breakfast of galaxy chocolate and pancakes. I have become a real chocoholic. MENTAL.

today's thought...

how do you eat yours?

peace love and anti psychotic madness.

xx

blog No. 10.

I am not coping with my lack of sleep. All the sleeping meds I am on no longer work. I am taking 5 of them instead of a half an I am still awake at night. I toss and turn and then i manage about 2 or 3 hours sleep. I am hoping the doctor will change my prescription for me today.

I am constantly cranky and my body is always aching. I might need to go for a massage soon but feel quite embarrassed of my body as I have lost so much weight in the past month or so. I am 6ft 2" and weigh just over 9st. Sorry I use old school measurements. I am a child of the eighties.

I am so excited for sunday as I will have software for my mac that will allow to make music. It will be such a release to do something I love. And I have so much time on my hands just now I will be able to submerge myself in it.

I miss dj'ing but i feel its something i will still be able to do. Just once a month. Its my passion in life and its all i have ever wanted to do and was doing it. But to not do that isn't an option. I have been told one of my old nights is welcome back so I am going to consider it and will probably do it.

Yesterday I took the first steps In pausing my London life. I have given my landlord and friend and flatmate/friend notice. I move out officially in April.

It feels weird knowing I wont be living in london. It makes sense as me and my sister will get a flat together in may so I will have my own space.

I am going to miss living with my friend billy. We have had the best time. I never want that to end. We met at a bus stop he asked do you want to move in and I did. Fair enough I had already known him 10 years but had lost touch for about 3 of those. And bumping into him on my birthday in may last year at a bus stop in vauxhal was so random then to move in. We would say that random people we'd just met for years "hi do you want move in" and then he says it to me and it happens.

I will miss him lying on my sofa telling me to zip and moaning about me smoking. He makes a gid dinner and would always say Shhh!!! through his bedroom wall to me.

we'd dance in the morning getting ready for work and party in the flat on the weekend and speak to no one else but us.

He would obsessivley talk about madonna and womens high heels, and all the stuff he was going to buy with his next wages. He never bought any of it having spending all his money on other stuff. I would nag him to do my hair every five minutes so we would have a hollywood salon and sit for hours hacking and tinting my hair. The laughs we had and our banter. everyone we knew had a nickname to us. I wont tell you any of them here.

But this time has come to an end and I will miss it dearly. He's an amazing guy and he's been there for me when I've needed him. I would kill for him. I am so happy to have him and the same goes to all of my friends.

Dont worry guys you'll all get your own mention eventually.

thinking about all our madness makes me smile.

I am going to miss london but most of all its the people I've come to know I will miss more. and more than that I'll miss the fact that all of my friends where just a tube ride away.

love you all guys

my thought for today is

red lorry or yellow lorry?

peace love and beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice.

ps is it sunny outside?

blog No. 9.

So Yesterday I was supposed to go to the maggies centre. By the time I it taken me to get ready I was exhausted. So in return had to cancel my day out. Its so frustrating that I cant plan anything. I am used to having stuff to do and knowing when I am doing it. The only things I know I am doing no matter what are my hospital appointments.

So an excitng life of sitting in waiting rooms and offices.

wish I could be paid by the hour for being there cos I would make an absolute fortune.

Something out of the blue happened yesterday. My half sister got in touch with me via facebook.

quite a shock hearing from someone you have lost touch but at the same time it gives me comfort. Funny how things like this happen. I think the whole things strange not my sister, but me having cancer.

I dont know if thats a real feeling to have about it but I do think its strange. I often ask out loud how the f**k do I have cancer. especially as i had no symptom of it. How can I actually be as seriously ill as I am and feel ok? WEIRD.

I have a huge craving for chocolate today. galaxy bubbles and galaxy caramel and malteaser bunny's are all being hanckered for. And the good news is... I can eat them and I will be going to get them and boxes of them. It's going to be great to be able to have something I actually want. Not like that pesky ice cream. But chocolate will be good.

Must be as today I am feeling quite down. Had a rough night and today I am just down. Its like part of me has died. well it has as I will never return to my own life the way it was again. I know your all saying being positive but I am being positive. But right now I am being realist.

I know whats going on in my body and feel how it all affects me. I also struggle to go outside. I looks ill and like a big bag of bones and have lost a bit of me in this process. Maybe I need to go on this morning for a makeover?

But I have definitely lost myself. I feel like paul with cancer now rather than just paul who dj's, paul whos nuts, I am always going to be looked at as sick whether people realise it or not. But i am and this has taken over my whole life. I need to adapt but i don't want to adapt why should I? I never changed for anyone in my life before so why should I do for cancer. But its not been a conscious change its been a forced one.

I dont when I shall find these answers and I dont want sympathy and tea. I dont like tea and sympathy is destructive

so donate a 1000 pounds into my bank instead theres stuff I need. You could consider it charity

hahaha.

todays thought

what would Ian beale do if he was in my situation?

peace love and galaxy caramel

xxxx

blog No. 8.

Yesterday evening a very amazing friend of mine started a healing circle for me. I was given a task to do and it took a lot out of me to focus my attention on something. I find focussing hard mainly because i am so tired. Reading at the moment is out of the question as i just forget the last sentence I read. But I did try and managed to do well and I felt quite nice after doing it. I have to imagine a ball of violet light protecting my liver. I have to ask my angels for help too. I will be doing this and I cant thank my friend enough for all her help and advice.

So today I feel so tired and my whole body aches but I will get whacked out on dihydrocodene and and have a ball to myself.

I am going to go to a place called the maggies centre in Glasgow. Its a place where they offer lots of different services and treatments for people with cancer. They do cookery courses, dealing with cancer workshops, complimentary therapy's, counselling and art classes.

All the stuffs free which is a bonus. Hopefully I will find something there I can go and do.

Would be nice to have something to do so I can feel normal for a couple of hours.

Hopefully its not full of old people making cups of tea. And hopefully its not depressing.

I would normally avoid going to this type of place as I feel being surrounded by illness can make you worse. But this time I actually feel like it will be a good idea and will help me.

I guess only one way to find out.

Yesterday the district nurse came out to change my dressing on my PICC line. So i now have the glamorous sharps bin that makes a home a home in glasgow.

I better watch the sharps bin incase people on the street think we're getting above our station.

Today my mouth is quite sore each day its getting worse. My tongue is real tender. It feels like its going to explode in ulcers. Its one thing I cant stand is ulcers. I feel them coming out in my tongue and the roof of my mouth. I have a horrible mouth wash which tastes like cow dung to use on it though.

Why can't they make any of this easy?

So i know today I am gonna be a grump. Sore mouth and me don't mix.

So as I sit here waiting on my ulcerated lisp to arrive i will leave you with todays thought....

would you give away your last rolo?

peace love and rice krispies...

xx

blog No. 7.

I feel my last few entry's I havent really had so much to say. Its probably because I am not doing a huge of amount stuff at the moment.

It humbles to know how many people are reading this. I am shocked that today its over 1000 reads and only i started it a week ago.

well as i said yesterday was a day in the hospital. The highlight of my week haha. I met the doctors, nurses, chemists and psychologists all doing my care thers a team of about 11 or 12.

They are all nice people and you cna tell they care about what they are doing.

I cant go on enough about how good the care is at the beatson. It has the best reputation in europe for cancer care and the professor in charge of my care is a world authority in cancer care.

Also the macmillan charity do amazing work, they offer you help with expenses, so m,uch emotionall support and if you need nurses at home they provide that too. They have given loads of info on what to expect and advice how to deal with the side effects.

I am now back in glasgow for a few days staying with my big sister. She's a very good nurse and is looking after me very well. I need a lot of it just now so I am lucky i have people around me.

so yes I was also shown the images from the scans that where took in London. I was shown what the cancer looks like and where it has spread too. There's so much of it. its Millimetres away from my liver, which is also all inflamed. and its all through my abdomen. loads of big grey mass.

I now know what I am battling and its going to be a hell of a fight.

But I will fight it that's all i can do.

I also have some decisions to make as I may have to move back to Glasgow as the recovery time after chemo is a year. And as my spread is incurable I may need to keep going with chemo for a year. I need to be where I can be looked after but London is my home.

My life is there. My friends are there. And London's there.

Its so strange how 2 months ago I was living a normal life working, dj'ing partying and in one night its all changed.

I do feel like I've been robbed.

And I wonder if i will ever have my normal life again but I wont as I need to re-invent myself. Maybe Madonna does re-inventions for charity???

Some good happened today. My cousin louise got in touch. Its weird as a few people I have often thought about have come flying out of nowhere. Its nice having people you love in your life. its funny how when something happens you seem to pull everyone back together again. I for one is a believer in this.

Its now 12.30 so i need to go and force feed myself food so i can take the first dose of todays chemo.

I hope something exciting happens today so I can give you a thrilling read tomorrow

todays thought is...

how do you get the rain up onto the sky in the first place???

peace and ice cream

xx

blog No. 6.

What a day of days it is today. Talk about rain outside its pouring down. And on the day I get to go outside. I am not going to the funfair before you ask, or for ice cream... mmmm.

Today I have a trip to the hospital. I am writing this whilst waiting on the hospital transport to come along. I get to see what the cancer spread looks like, I have already seen the tumour so today its the spread in my abdomen. I am quite nervous about it as no matter how bad I think it is just now its all visual in my mind. Its not real.

But at least today I will get to see what I am battling. What this f**king thing is.

The hospital have also arranged for me to meet the team doing my care so will be interesting to see what people are doing.

I would rather stay in doors and out the way as I am feeling lousy today. No energy at all and the thought of being in the hospital for a few hours isn't thrilling me. I have a sore mouth and its starting to ulcer so they better give me stuff for it or I'll snap.

I dont wanna say to much today as I have to get ready for the hospital now and instead I am doing this. I need a secretary...

todays thought....

wonderbra or wonderwoman???

peace love and cheese...

x

blog No. 5.

So todays valentine's day how lovely for all us lonely whacko's.

I had a nice day yesterday I had friends come and see me which cheered me up. It took a lot out of me but it was worth it. I get more side effects each day and even more tired. I got to feel the breeze on me yesterday for 5 minutes which was amazing. Well until I started to choke on it no joke. Funny how something so small gives me so much pleasure.

I am slowly and I mean slowly finding the strength to go on with this. Its true what they say about it being a battle. Its a true battle of will, a battle of mind, a battle of body and a battle of soul. Every part of me is fighting and each day I loose a little of myself thats the price I feel I may have to pay.

I have a craving for ice cream today which wont go away and as i can't eat the stuff I know I am gonna go mad. I mean insane i want ben and jerry's chocolate fudge brownie with all those lovely chunks in it. Feeling it go down and satisfy me is all i can think of. I would even settle for an ice cream shake. MMMmmmm.

The good thing about this is I have to eat all the things that are bad for you. Loads of fatty sugary stuff to keep my weight up. There are things I have to avoid too such as, yoghurt as it contains live bacteria which can give me bugs and those bio drinks, the healthy stuff really. I find that strange.

Not as strange as not being able to eat ice cream. Maybe i will try some and just suffer?

God am I becoming obsessed with ice cream? I may have a problem I may need some professional help.

I may try going out in the air for 5 minutes again as yesterday that was amazing. It was like velvet at first soft and sweet and the smell of the air was magical. It kinda of danced around my senses and made me dizzy until it hurt me. Like a mean ex wife it teased me and danced around me until it took away my joy.

I am probably ranting today as cabin fever may have taking its toll on me?

I shall go now as I will start talking about ice cream again... mmmmmmm...

todays thought...

ben and jerry's or haagen daazs??

love and rocky road...

xx

blog No. 4.

So its now Saturday and how strange i no longer miss the weekend. I used to live for the weekend. The weekend is what its all about right. I don't seem to know what day of the week it is most of the time. Its almost a wee bubble I am in.

Today people will have hangovers and self inflicted pains and be in bed regretting much of friday night. How I miss that. waking up wondering what did I do last night.

Today I have a good dose of the shakes so its almost like i went out last night. Don't have much energy even the daylights bothering me. I feel a bit more upbeat than yesterday so it must have been jeremy kyle in the background making me morbid.

Todays quite a strange day as I have been getting prayed for. There is a saint called padre pio who's relic is travelling the world. I have it. It arrived today. He died of cancer and has cured people of this disease. I am not a religious person but to be picked and allowed o have something so precious is a wonderful gift. Its something on a pin that he wore. But to have something that belongs to a saint is pretty cool in anyones book. They are doing a special blessing and mass for me which is humbling, I don't know these people and as I said I am not religious. But I still think it's beautiful.

I just wanted to share a little today as I am really tired and have some visitors coming out to see me so should rest and bathe which Is gonna be harsh grrr.

so todays thought is

If my finger was hanging off would you tell me? I know if your a true pal by your answer by the way.

peace love and hula hoops

xxxx

Blog No. 3.

Omnipotence is a word that came into my head yesterday. Don't know why. I didnt even know what it meant until I looked it up last night. Hours after it came into my head and been ringing about there all day. for those of you that don't know what it means

omnipotent |ämˈnipətənt|adjective(of a deity) having unlimited power; able to do anything.• having ultimate power and influence : an omnipotent sovereign.

Wonder why it been in my head all day?

hopefully its a sign as i need one especially now as this treatments starting to take its toll on my body. I can hardly move and I am shaking.

Fed swallowing pills the thought of it makes me feel sick. Its really hard to do anything. Even speaking drains me. I have to keep going but I also feel like packing it in. I question myself if living is really worth the hassle as I dont know anymore. I dont feel like dying yet so I guess I have answered my question.

I been dreaming a lot about how much I took for granted. How much we all do. Maybe this is what I have to learn from this, or is it you thats reading this that needs a lesson?

I miss being, i miss having, and I miss not being scared. My old life has gone now and as I figure out what my new one's going to be like I wonder if I want it.

This is all a bit mad right?

Theres so much in life I have still to experience. The one thing that scares me the most is that I won't have that magic love affair. It sounds terribly sex and the city especially as I feel like carrie as I type. But I cant not have that experience. I also wonder is this all I am going to achieve?

So many things seem so fake and pointless.

Yesterday came the news that alexander mcqueen had killed himself. Normally that would have bothered me. Its tragic yes. But I didnt know him and the fakery of peoples respects bother me.

Life seems like one big fake thing, your born sent to school, made to work then you eek out a restless existence waiting to die.

I must be feeling morbid today or maybe its jeremy kyle in the background thats getting me?

Some things I type will be hard to read there even hard to type. But being honest is the only thing I have right now.

It's now time for me to take todays first lot of chemo and it's the last thing i wanna do. I just wanna go outside and feel the air on my face but i can't in case I choke on it. Gives me an excuse to be lazy i guess.

I dont have to much to say today and typing this is really hard physically.

So today's thought is

cheese n onion or salt n vinegar??

love n stuff.

xxx

Blog No. 2.

So where to start today?

I started writing todays blog yesterday trying to get ahead of my self. I don't think thats the way to do this as so much goes on and i feel different about yesterday than what I do today,

Surprisingly I felt ok yesterday morning when i woke up. But its only the second day of treatment.

I got up and had a bath as I was really dirty (no surprise). After I ate i had to wait half an hour then take the first lot of the tablets. Its 3 big ones and 2 smaller ones. There pink so they look fun at least. Swallowing them was a chore and 2 hours later i still feel ok. I do those ones twice a day at least 8 hours apart.

I will give a list of medication at the end of this entry so you can see what I am doing. Not everything is for cancer. But I have plenty of time and plenty of space to write about what everything's for.

The first set of tablets took a while to give any effect and it was mainly feeling drained. A weird sensation. Not tired but just no energy. It wasn't to bad and had disappeared after a few hours.

Then the second dose was due at 9.15pm. Same thing again. Nothing to major.

The only problems I had last night was not being able to sleep even on a cocktail of diazepam, temazepam, and zoplicone.

Last night was a rough night emotionally. I keep getting overwhelmed with feelings, all different about this disease. I felt like I am unable to go on with this and that its too much. That feeling is always there. I do have the strength to suppress it. It still rears its ugly head and I cried for hours. I don't feel like poor me or anything like that. But I have battled bi-polar for 10 years now and that was some fight. So this one seems like a kick in teeth after just getting well enough to live.

But i don't where the strength will come from and I wonder is all this fighting worth it?

Of course it is but this journey is so strange and that's the main feeling I have. It's like a real life soap opera my life except i can't change channel or be written another part.

I get nervous each day about what effects I am going to have as each day you get more. The chemo attacks every cell in your body, even the good ones. By next week I will be in hell. But hey I like hell this time of year.

The really random thing about the post days is I feel incredibly amorous to say the least. I feel like a 15 year old again, it's so funny. Who knew getting sick and pumped full of chemo would turn you on? maybe I shall start a new fetish and sell my meds online?

So now Wednesday and its treatment hour. This blog was probably quite crappy today but I am sick so I have an excuse.

thought for the day???

I like prawn cocktail skips...

peace love and trisha goddard.

xx

PS med list (hold on tight)

Co-dydramol (dihydrocodine painkiller) 500/30mg every 4 - 6 hours

Dexamethasone (antis sickness/steroid) 2.5mg 3 times a day

xeloda (chemotherapy) 1800mg twice a day and at least 8 hours apart

lithium (mood stabiliser bi-polar) 600mg a day

zoplicone (sleeping pill) 7.5mg at night x 3

diazepam (relaxant) 10mg when needed

temazepam (sleeping pill) 10mg at night x3

I have more but thought that would be a wee teaser...

jealous???

xx

Blog No. 1.

I have started this blog mainly as a release. A release of my soul.

I was diagnosed with bowel cancer on DEC. 31st 2009 or there about, but it's all a bit of a blur. And what a life changing moment that is.

hearing those words, "Mr Nicholls you have cancer."

I cant describe to you the feelings i have gone through. Its almost a feeling of grief.

I will go on about this later. First things first, I guess I should start this journey for you at the beginning.

It all started in December 2009. Around the 14Th I would say. I had recently changed my diet and about then i ended up constipated. Was working the Saturday at my job in Year Zero. I ended up in pain during my shift and was sent home early.

I was blocked up for around 2 weeks but not in any pain and expecting it all to pass and thought it was all down to the change of my diet from junk food, to eating very healthily. Had even cut out drinking fizzy juice.

So i continued my life just hoping i would pass some sort of movement.

about 10 days later I was coming up to Glasgow to celebrate Christmas and stay with my sister and see family. Was still blocked up though. On a family visit was giving various potions and pills to try get things moving.

The night it all went wrong was Sun. 27th Dec 2009.

Me my sister and some friends decided to go have a few drinks as i was leaving for London on Monday evening. after about an hour or so of being out i developed severe pain in my abdomen area. I was so bloated looking to i looked like a pregnant woman and felt it.

We left early and i eventually got home and slept right through until it was almost time to leave for the train station on my Monday. I was in severe pain. no jokes.

My sister asked me to stay but as I wanted to go back to my job on the Tuesday i demanded to go. Especially as I love my job. I miss it everyday.

So anyways I make the train and have a first class ticket.

I couldn't even sit up. That's how bad it was. I looked like a heroin addict, all drawn and shaking.

About an hour into the journey i start being physically sick. I couldn't hold any water. One sip and a pint came out in return. The journey was four and a half hours of hell. I cant tell you.

Here i am in first class on virgin, taking up 4 seats, crying like a madman and vomiting every chance i get. I even saw someone i knew in the same carriage as me. I felt like an idiot.

Throughout the whole journey I was wondering how the fuck am i going to get back to my house in clapham from euston. I couldn't even stand.

Eventually I got into london euston just before midnight. Don't remember much other than I must have made it from the platform into the main part of the station and collapsed.

Next thing I remember is these station guards questioning me about what heroin i had been taking.

I may have been lying on the floor half conscious vomiting up bile, but i had a £300 raf simons bag on my possession which i pointed out.

So...

an ambulance arrives for me and the paramedics dope me up. I keep thinking what a waste of time. I am working tomorrow I am just constipated. The doctors have to carry all my bags so I had some good service at last.

I kept thinking I was wasting the hospitals time as they didn't seem to know what was up with me.

Its now Tuesday morning so I have to tell everyone where I am. By this point the doctors told me it was my appendix and i signed a consent form for surgery. They spoke to family etc... and notified what them of what was going on.

Then the scan results came back. "It's not your appendix, we have noticed something in your colon we want to investigate"

So i was wheeled to another word. Where everyone seemed sick. later that day i was sent for a colonoscopy. That wasn't as much fun as you would think. I was watching it on the screen. And when they came to the tumour my heart sank a little then i heard an "oh" from the doctor.

After that scan i was sent back to my ward. The head doctor came and spoke to me and explained what they had found. Saying the found a large 4 cm tumour in bowel and to prepare for the news being cancer. they said its showing all symptoms and looks like that was the case.

That was a strange moment. I didn't feel scared or upset as I didn't think it would come back as cancer. They took a biopsy and placed a stent over the tumour so i can now pass at the toilet.

my sister arrived down on the 2Nd of January and about a day or 2 after they came back.

I was so nervous. A real feeling of fear kicked in as i met the team. I knew what was coming.

They sat down and explained to me and my sister that I had a large tumour in bowel that's at least 5 years growth and that the cancer has spread through my abdomen as i just missing my liver. The oncologist is there and Goes into a little a detail about my treatment.

I have to have chemo but no surgery as they cant cure the cancer.

My life literally stopped. I didn't cry or get upset. I was actually relieved to know.

Most of this time is a blur to be honest. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and the agreed to let me out on the condition I come home back to Glasgow for treatment as i am going to need 24 hour care.

My life has felt like a roller coaster. such a cliche I know, but its true.

I am no longer in my beloved London which bothers me as its my home. I have kept my flat on so i can still feel her heartbeat in me.

I shall skip forward a until now and whats going down.

Today is the 10Th of Feb. I started chemo yesterday. I had my first infusion drip. Not pleasant.

I am currently shaking like mad so this is really hard to type. I also have pins and needles in hands and feet.

here is a list of some i need be aware of.

Avoid cold at all costs as will cause me spasm,

Breathing cold air will cause me to choke,

Don't drink cold drinks, all at room temp.

Don't go into the fridge.

Don't go into busy places in case i get infections,

There's loads more but i not experienced any of them yet. I will update as i go.

So now on day two of my chemo.

Chemotherapy works in in cycles.

One cycle for me is as follows:

They are on 3 week schedules. so,

Day one go to clinic and have intravenous chemo

Day two I start taking chemo tablets at home for 2 weeks

then third week i have off.

I have initially to do this 6 times so 18 weeks of treatment. This likely to be an ongoing thing as I will always have cancer.

I start my tablets today which i have 10 a day and i am going to do a pill count today to see what the hell I am putting into my system

i shall go for just now and update tomorrow for you.

Hopefully the shakes will have died down so I don't feel like I'm typing on top of a washing machine!!!!

peace love and oh I forgot i sky+ the Simpson's.

x