Blog No. 82.

So as I am lying wide awake in this bed at the hospice. I have decided to put to good this non sleeping and write my latest entry. A whole bunch of stuff has happened, some good and some bad but I will leave it up to you to decide which is which. As I said I am in the Marie Curie hospice.

I told you before how amazing it is when I came to be shown around and I won't lie it has not been a disappointment. I have built up a rapore with most of the Nurses and care staff which makes being here a lot more fun.

The reason I was admitted here was due to a pain in my right rib. It was as though a horse had kicked me and then attacked me. So I sent my magic nurse Linda a little text at 8.30am to let her know I may need to come and basically about an hour later she called to say there was a room available for me.

I got pumped full of drugs I still am but there being reduced each day to a more manageable level is better. As I am writing this now, I am back home. you should see the size of the bag its massive. I now have to take an injection everyday to thin my blood as the pain in my chest was blood clots which s a relief as it could have been the cancer spreading. I am hoping I am going to be fit enough for my trip to London on Tuesday.

`i really need this trip been looking forward to it as it will be nice to see old faces and see some of which i haven't seen for about 20. I just need to see my old life

Anyway I shall leave you with my thought of the day....

Blog No. 81.

So I have just realised that I am 3 months into what was basically given in not so many words a 6 month life sentence. It's strange as apparently in 3 months poof and I go up in a big explosion of purple glitter, and enter the next plane. Well F**k you as I am getting better and stronger, and there's no way I shall be gone for a long time, and that's not me being brave it's how I actually feel inside.

I now have a new set back. My right lung/rib is in agony. I literally feel like I have been kicked by a horse then beating up with by baseball bats after. I can hardly breath in and can hardly move my right arm, the pain goes right up into my neck and even the morphine I am on isn't making a difference.

So I am waiting to see if I can be admitted into the Marie Curie hospice for a few days to be looked at and looked after in a nicer environment than a hospital. It's a hospital but a bit more like a hotel. My fingers are still numb and so are the soles of my feet so I don't know if any of this is related. I hope there's something that can be done and quickly as I don't really want to become a prisoner of pain again.

Just when I was doing really well too. But this is just a little set back and I am not really worried about it being something major. I am sure I will be right as rain in a few days but i just want this pain to go away. But most of all these numb fingers they're making it a trifle hard to actually type.

I am going to go and pack my hospital bag and smile smile smile as they say. Kind of short and sweet today, almost like me except I am tall and mean GRRrrrr!!!

So my thought of the day is...

Fox's Viennese bisckwits or Giant cookies?

Peace love and crumbs in bed!!!

Blog No. 80.

Well Saturday what a night. Thank you for making it so so busy and amazing. I am so very disappointed that I got too sick to continue playing past 2am and had to leave. But what a party it was and it was all made by you , you beautiful people.

I keep getting annoyed that I had to quit and go home but I cant describe to you the pain I was in. I thought I was going pass out and collapse. And that wouldn't have been a good way to en the night. I just wish I could have played that last hour, the glory hour is what I call it as it's when everyone is really up for it.

It's when the most fun happens, and it was my last time to take part in that whilst DJ'ing. God I am so angry that the illness managed to get in the way on MY night. But I know everyone had fun and that's the most important thing to me as a DJ. I am glad you all came and I am glad I bowed without too much attention (not I wanted that glorious moment at the end).

Anyway, for the past week I have noticed a numb sensation in the end of my fingers and in the balls of my toes. I still have sensation and can feel things, but they are numb. I was seeing the cancer doctors today and they don't know if it could be related to my back pain that suffer from, or a side effect of the chemo.

It's a really strange sensation to have especially for all this time. They think it could be because of the back pain as the cancer is pressing on a lot of nerves and tissues, and as I mentioned a blog or two ago I am on a nerve painkiller to relieve the pain when I am touched. Nerve pain is weird as it's not a constant pain with me but a very over the top reactionary pain. Like the slightest touch and I feel electricity shoot through me with pain and it hurts for a quite a few moments after.

I think this is what may have caused the pain on Saturday as a few people where touching and poking at me, obviously they're not going to know, but it happened a few times and I thought I was going to die with pain.

I didn't start taking the Gabapanten until Saturday night as it makes you drowsy and has funny side effects which I bore witness to today. I kept loosing my balance this afternoon, I was vomiting whilst at the clinic. Kinda like your body's drunk but your brain's not. Not fun and kind of embarrassing.

I really hope this numbness stops soon as I don't want it to be a bone of contention, or whatever the phrase is ha ha. But as I said before it's like something goes and something then appears, but this is a whole new thing on me. Something else for me to moan about I guess.

My sleeping pills don't work I went back onto zoplicone, which stopped working a few months back. I decided to go back on them as I thought since they hadn't been in my system for such a long time they would work, well they do but I am having to technically overdose on them by taking 3 or 4 at night to get to sleep. Which I don't want to do, it's not harmful to do this with these but at the same time I don't want to be taking them like sweets.

I am going to have to stop typing now as the numbness in my fingers seems to be worsening and its not pleasant I tell you.

So my thought of the day is...

Numb bum or numb mouth? ha ha!!!

Peace Love and numb numbs

xxx

Blog No. 79.

I have managed to find a few minutes in this busy day to write in my blog. I am currently getting ready and organised to DJ for my last gig tonight. I am excited for the night, but saying goodbye is going to be hard. DJ'ing it what I feel is me and defines me. I have achieved a lot and played in venue's and with artists I could only dream of. Been part of celebrity circles and met the most interesting, fabulous, rude and exotic people doing this.

The time has come to take a break, and a rest. I will come back and DJ from time to time, but I am just on the road to some sort of recovery so I need to see where that goes first before I worry about anything else. I have made a Mix to give out tonight and have spent most of the day burning and labeling copies of that. It's miserable weather here and raining so trying to plan an outfit that's fabulous but practical is very hard.

I can't help but notice how much my blog is being read and I would like to welcome my new followers. Fills me with joy to know so many people enjoy reading this and maybe get something out of it too. I know I get a release and some pleasure from writing it. So thanks to everyone who reads. Almost 24,500 reads in 4 1/2 months since I started writing this. I don't know who's reading or how this has happened but I thank you all for making this worthwhile to me.

I don't have much time as must eat something to keep my energy up for tonight. I am thinking something fatty and cheesy maybe chips and cheese YUMMM. The steroid of today is kicking in so I better let it do its work.

So my thought of the day...

CHIPS AND CHEESE AND MUSIC AND DANCING.

Peace Love and retirement home time.

xxx

Blog No. 78.

So yesterday the piece about my blog went up on the guardian online website, here's the link so you can read it http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/05/young-patients-blogs-cancer it's about me and two other young people who have cancer and blog about it. I would recommend that you have a look at there blogs also.

I am actually very proud of the piece and that my little blog is getting so much attention. It kind of makes me very humble to know that people are interested in me, and what I have to say. I never expected this in a million years. So I would like to thank Carlene Thomas-Bailey for writing the piece and being so lovely in her correspondence with me. So thank you to well you :-).

I have managed to have the sleeps (don't know if that's a real word) of my life. One for 16 hours and then 24 hours. I guess my body has had a lot of sleep to catch up on. Yet again I have been put onto more painkillers well there more for nerve pain. There a muscle relaxant also. They are called Gabapentin. The reason for these is because my body is so sensitive and tender to being touched, and not in a nice way.

Hopefully these will help with my sex life as recently it has been suffering quite bad. I am lucky I have a very open relationship with Chris and can talk to him about anything. He is very understanding about this. I cant bare to be touched in the areas I used to love as pain shoots from legs up into my abdomen which is very strange.

I am also being referred to a sex specialist which I think will be very interesting and there's pills I can be put onto to increase my libido. I am not at the stage of Viagra yet it still works ha ha. But I just don't have much of a drive to me, I don't even pleasure myself which is when you know its bad.

I can't believe I have mentioned my libido but hey I aim to be honest on here and let people know what changes and tribulations I go through. I feel like an onion in a way. There's so many layers of problems and when one is fixed, the one underneath then stands out to be the next issue. I must be a big onion as there is always something new which frustrates me.

It's not like I haven't noticed it until it stands out it's just that other things are a bigger problem such as pain, and when that is fixed the next problem or layer of onion stands out. Why do I feel like Donkey from Shrek right now? Must be the onion talk.

My appetite is on the up and I feel like I am starting to look healthier and a little fuller (but still skeletal) around the face. But I can't stop picking and eating. I am actually enjoying food again, I know it's the steroids that are doing it but who cares. I thought I was becoming anorexic through illness as I just didn't want to eat and hated food. It was like being anorexic apart from hating being thin.

All this talk about food and onions has made me hungry and for breakfast I think I will have either a burger with onion's or a hot dog with onion's ha ha YUMMY.

So my thought of the day is...

Does anyone know where there is a house made of food I could eat?

Peace Love and Onion breathe.

xxx