Monday, 31 May 2010

Blog No. 71.

I am no longer going to apologise for my delay between entries here, Mainly because I can't predict how I am gong to feel one day to the next, or sometimes I have personal reasons for not writing an entry. I do want to do one every day but right now that's just not possible.

I am starting to feel better, but one day I can feel OK then the next I can feel worse. I am starting to eat, but really only a meal a day and a few things that I pick at. Even the meal I eat is half the size of what I'd normally eat. Today I bought shorts for my trip to Brighton later this week, and regular sizes no longer fit me, I had to buy kids jeans, 13-14yr old is the age, end even these are a big too big on the waist.

I am disgusted by how thin I am, I have a spine like some Alien creature, which is very uncomfortable, especially in the bath. I was given the handy tip of putting a sponge underneath the base of my spine when in the bath.

My knees dig into my legs when lying down, and have caused bruising on the opposite leg while sleeping. I now have to put a pillow between my leg when lying on my side. Vile, people often say they wish they could be thin, but I wish I wasn't this thin. It's affecting my life. Not just physically, but mentally.

I don't have the self confidence I once had. It upsets me if I catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror. The last time I properly saw myself I cried. It had been a long time since I'd looked before that time. So the difference was huge in what I last saw of myself. I have never had body issues, not saying I had a high opinion of myself, but I have always been happy and content with how I looked and my physique.

Now that has all changed and I hate it. You can all say what you want but this is a very real opinion that I have. It's how my body looks, not how I am perceiving it to look. So please don't tell me I don't look that bad, I don't want your compliments or sympathy.

The thing that's annoying me now is the god damn itching from the painkillers. My whole body has it's own turn and needing a scratch and when I get rid of one itch the next one appears. It is a lot, lot better than the pain I suffer from.

So as I mentioned earlier I am off to Brighton on Thursday. I am going with my sister, we where going to go to Barcelona but due to the B.A. strikes, the airfares had all gone up to ludicrous prices. Was going to cost about £1,500 each just to go for the weekend. Hardly worth it.

So I decided on Brighton as I want a beach and a bit of a cosmopolitan atmosphere around me.
I need to just get somewhere and relax. I have a couple of friends in Brighton too which will be nice to catch up with.

So as I now go and start my washing for going away, I shall leave you my thought of the day.

Whats goes up a chimney down but, wont go down a chimney up?

Peace Love and Brighton rock...


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