blog No. 9.

So Yesterday I was supposed to go to the maggies centre. By the time I it taken me to get ready I was exhausted. So in return had to cancel my day out. Its so frustrating that I cant plan anything. I am used to having stuff to do and knowing when I am doing it. The only things I know I am doing no matter what are my hospital appointments.

So an excitng life of sitting in waiting rooms and offices.

wish I could be paid by the hour for being there cos I would make an absolute fortune.

Something out of the blue happened yesterday. My half sister got in touch with me via facebook.

quite a shock hearing from someone you have lost touch but at the same time it gives me comfort. Funny how things like this happen. I think the whole things strange not my sister, but me having cancer.

I dont know if thats a real feeling to have about it but I do think its strange. I often ask out loud how the f**k do I have cancer. especially as i had no symptom of it. How can I actually be as seriously ill as I am and feel ok? WEIRD.

I have a huge craving for chocolate today. galaxy bubbles and galaxy caramel and malteaser bunny's are all being hanckered for. And the good news is... I can eat them and I will be going to get them and boxes of them. It's going to be great to be able to have something I actually want. Not like that pesky ice cream. But chocolate will be good.

Must be as today I am feeling quite down. Had a rough night and today I am just down. Its like part of me has died. well it has as I will never return to my own life the way it was again. I know your all saying being positive but I am being positive. But right now I am being realist.

I know whats going on in my body and feel how it all affects me. I also struggle to go outside. I looks ill and like a big bag of bones and have lost a bit of me in this process. Maybe I need to go on this morning for a makeover?

But I have definitely lost myself. I feel like paul with cancer now rather than just paul who dj's, paul whos nuts, I am always going to be looked at as sick whether people realise it or not. But i am and this has taken over my whole life. I need to adapt but i don't want to adapt why should I? I never changed for anyone in my life before so why should I do for cancer. But its not been a conscious change its been a forced one.

I dont when I shall find these answers and I dont want sympathy and tea. I dont like tea and sympathy is destructive

so donate a 1000 pounds into my bank instead theres stuff I need. You could consider it charity

hahaha.

todays thought

what would Ian beale do if he was in my situation?

peace love and galaxy caramel

xxxx