Friday, 12 February 2010

Blog No. 3.

Omnipotence is a word that came into my head yesterday. Don't know why. I didnt even know what it meant until I looked it up last night. Hours after it came into my head and been ringing about there all day. for those of you that don't know what it means

omnipotent |ämˈnipətənt|adjective(of a deity) having unlimited power; able to do anything.having ultimate power and influence : an omnipotent sovereign.

Wonder why it been in my head all day?
hopefully its a sign as i need one especially now as this treatments starting to take its toll on my body. I can hardly move and I am shaking.
Fed swallowing pills the thought of it makes me feel sick. Its really hard to do anything. Even speaking drains me. I have to keep going but I also feel like packing it in. I question myself if living is really worth the hassle as I dont know anymore. I dont feel like dying yet so I guess I have answered my question.

I been dreaming a lot about how much I took for granted. How much we all do. Maybe this is what I have to learn from this, or is it you thats reading this that needs a lesson?

I miss being, i miss having, and I miss not being scared. My old life has gone now and as I figure out what my new one's going to be like I wonder if I want it.

This is all a bit mad right?

Theres so much in life I have still to experience. The one thing that scares me the most is that I won't have that magic love affair. It sounds terribly sex and the city especially as I feel like carrie as I type. But I cant not have that experience. I also wonder is this all I am going to achieve?

So many things seem so fake and pointless.
Yesterday came the news that alexander mcqueen had killed himself. Normally that would have bothered me. Its tragic yes. But I didnt know him and the fakery of peoples respects bother me.
Life seems like one big fake thing, your born sent to school, made to work then you eek out a restless existence waiting to die.

I must be feeling morbid today or maybe its jeremy kyle in the background thats getting me?

Some things I type will be hard to read there even hard to type. But being honest is the only thing I have right now.

It's now time for me to take todays first lot of chemo and it's the last thing i wanna do. I just wanna go outside and feel the air on my face but i can't in case I choke on it. Gives me an excuse to be lazy i guess.

I dont have to much to say today and typing this is really hard physically.

So today's thought is

cheese n onion or salt n vinegar??

love n stuff.



  1. My thought of the day... THE VERTICAL FACELIFT!!! (The only way is up!!!) :-) xXx

  2. I "know" you through Linsey (Thomson) The ginger mad one! (shes my sister)

    I found myself almost crying then laughing reading your blogs and want to say thanks! Being able to just understand the tiniest little bit helps a lot (i hope that made sense cause i'm confusing myself)

    I may not know you in person but i'm running the Race for Life in May and you're name will be added to my top.

    Good luck and keep posting :)

    Loves x

  3. thank you baby thank you very much