Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Blog No. 1.

I have started this blog mainly as a release. A release of my soul.

I was diagnosed with bowel cancer on DEC. 31st 2009 or there about, but it's all a bit of a blur. And what a life changing moment that is.
hearing those words, "Mr Nicholls you have cancer."
I cant describe to you the feelings i have gone through. Its almost a feeling of grief.

I will go on about this later. First things first, I guess I should start this journey for you at the beginning.

It all started in December 2009. Around the 14Th I would say. I had recently changed my diet and about then i ended up constipated. Was working the Saturday at my job in Year Zero. I ended up in pain during my shift and was sent home early.

I was blocked up for around 2 weeks but not in any pain and expecting it all to pass and thought it was all down to the change of my diet from junk food, to eating very healthily. Had even cut out drinking fizzy juice.

So i continued my life just hoping i would pass some sort of movement.
about 10 days later I was coming up to Glasgow to celebrate Christmas and stay with my sister and see family. Was still blocked up though. On a family visit was giving various potions and pills to try get things moving.

The night it all went wrong was Sun. 27th Dec 2009.
Me my sister and some friends decided to go have a few drinks as i was leaving for London on Monday evening. after about an hour or so of being out i developed severe pain in my abdomen area. I was so bloated looking to i looked like a pregnant woman and felt it.
We left early and i eventually got home and slept right through until it was almost time to leave for the train station on my Monday. I was in severe pain. no jokes.

My sister asked me to stay but as I wanted to go back to my job on the Tuesday i demanded to go. Especially as I love my job. I miss it everyday.

So anyways I make the train and have a first class ticket.
I couldn't even sit up. That's how bad it was. I looked like a heroin addict, all drawn and shaking.

About an hour into the journey i start being physically sick. I couldn't hold any water. One sip and a pint came out in return. The journey was four and a half hours of hell. I cant tell you.
Here i am in first class on virgin, taking up 4 seats, crying like a madman and vomiting every chance i get. I even saw someone i knew in the same carriage as me. I felt like an idiot.
Throughout the whole journey I was wondering how the fuck am i going to get back to my house in clapham from euston. I couldn't even stand.

Eventually I got into london euston just before midnight. Don't remember much other than I must have made it from the platform into the main part of the station and collapsed.
Next thing I remember is these station guards questioning me about what heroin i had been taking.

I may have been lying on the floor half conscious vomiting up bile, but i had a £300 raf simons bag on my possession which i pointed out.

an ambulance arrives for me and the paramedics dope me up. I keep thinking what a waste of time. I am working tomorrow I am just constipated. The doctors have to carry all my bags so I had some good service at last.
I kept thinking I was wasting the hospitals time as they didn't seem to know what was up with me.

Its now Tuesday morning so I have to tell everyone where I am. By this point the doctors told me it was my appendix and i signed a consent form for surgery. They spoke to family etc... and notified what them of what was going on.

Then the scan results came back. "It's not your appendix, we have noticed something in your colon we want to investigate"

So i was wheeled to another word. Where everyone seemed sick. later that day i was sent for a colonoscopy. That wasn't as much fun as you would think. I was watching it on the screen. And when they came to the tumour my heart sank a little then i heard an "oh" from the doctor.

After that scan i was sent back to my ward. The head doctor came and spoke to me and explained what they had found. Saying the found a large 4 cm tumour in bowel and to prepare for the news being cancer. they said its showing all symptoms and looks like that was the case.

That was a strange moment. I didn't feel scared or upset as I didn't think it would come back as cancer. They took a biopsy and placed a stent over the tumour so i can now pass at the toilet.

my sister arrived down on the 2Nd of January and about a day or 2 after they came back.
I was so nervous. A real feeling of fear kicked in as i met the team. I knew what was coming.

They sat down and explained to me and my sister that I had a large tumour in bowel that's at least 5 years growth and that the cancer has spread through my abdomen as i just missing my liver. The oncologist is there and Goes into a little a detail about my treatment.

I have to have chemo but no surgery as they cant cure the cancer.

My life literally stopped. I didn't cry or get upset. I was actually relieved to know.

Most of this time is a blur to be honest. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and the agreed to let me out on the condition I come home back to Glasgow for treatment as i am going to need 24 hour care.

My life has felt like a roller coaster. such a cliche I know, but its true.

I am no longer in my beloved London which bothers me as its my home. I have kept my flat on so i can still feel her heartbeat in me.

I shall skip forward a until now and whats going down.

Today is the 10Th of Feb. I started chemo yesterday. I had my first infusion drip. Not pleasant.
I am currently shaking like mad so this is really hard to type. I also have pins and needles in hands and feet.

here is a list of some i need be aware of.

Avoid cold at all costs as will cause me spasm,
Breathing cold air will cause me to choke,
Don't drink cold drinks, all at room temp.
Don't go into the fridge.
Don't go into busy places in case i get infections,

There's loads more but i not experienced any of them yet. I will update as i go.

So now on day two of my chemo.
Chemotherapy works in in cycles.
One cycle for me is as follows:

They are on 3 week schedules. so,

Day one go to clinic and have intravenous chemo
Day two I start taking chemo tablets at home for 2 weeks
then third week i have off.

I have initially to do this 6 times so 18 weeks of treatment. This likely to be an ongoing thing as I will always have cancer.

I start my tablets today which i have 10 a day and i am going to do a pill count today to see what the hell I am putting into my system

i shall go for just now and update tomorrow for you.

Hopefully the shakes will have died down so I don't feel like I'm typing on top of a washing machine!!!!

peace love and oh I forgot i sky+ the Simpson's.



  1. So well written. Will keep following this. Much love and all the best xx
    Rich Cole

  2. thank you mr. theres a few errors but my shakes excuse that :-)

  3. I know that we never really got the chance to know each other but I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and following this blog. It is fascinating and in the same breath, difficult to read. I dont mean your writing! Thats great, its just difficult you know to imagine you suffering.

    I believe that you are a fighter.


    Omar x

  4. thank you mr much love your way


  5. Paul, haven't seen you for a long time. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through just now. I do think that little i do know of you, you will fight like a fucker!

    This blog is an inspiration, take care xxx

  6. hi, you don't know me but i know mark dorrian and he has mentioned you. i just wanted to say that your blog is heartbreaking and inspirational, you're very brave. it's such a terrible thing to go through, but you are being very strong. i hope things improve soon.

    thalia xxx

  7. Darlin, I had no idea. If there is anything I can do, I'm here for you.

    All my love xxx

  8. Hi paul, so I just stumbled across your blog... through friend of a friend of a friend..blah on facebook. I didnt quite understand it at first so I zoomed over to your first post I got half way through before tears were running down my cheek... I used to go to Cardonald and used to do the usaual circut around the Glasgow clubs so I knew who you were of course! So I just wanted to say.. where did you buy your raf simmons bag from....? only joking (i'm guessing as its 3 months later - jokes are allowed?..) what I really wanted to say is that your news really saddened me but the way you decribe your account also makes me smile and laugh. Im quite ignorant to cancer in general, esp bowel cancer but your blog highlights the very harsh reality of this condition in a very honist and lively way. Thankyou for blogging. Terrix

  9. thank you for all your comments, I am sometimes slow in responding as nothing tells you if someone has commented anywhere an donly found these as I was having a little look back. Thank daniel if there is anything dont worry i will call on you, and thank you for your comment mivie never made, these comments always mean a lot to me, best way to comment is to do it on the most recent post as its easier for me to see if someone has left me a comment and I can reply as I would like to rply to all coments made, and I am to lazy and have to bad a memory to now what the last comment was on each blog lol

    but thank you guys for all your comments they keep me going xxxxxx