blog No. 21.

I though i would write today's entry a bit earlier today. I have completed my first cycle of chemo. Today I start my second. I had to go into the clinic for a check up. I found out that the chemo could be an ongoing thing. I don't want that and have made the decision to only do a maximum of two courses.

I feel like I am already dead as I don't have my life. If I didn't have to be alive for other people I would stop. I cant tell you how horrible it all is. I have to think about arrangements for my funeral as I don't know how long I have left and it has to be my kind of funeral. Nothing religious and no black clothing. I want it to be fun and loud. That's me as a person and I want it to be celebration not a mourning that can be done in private. I have been forced to think about these things.

Such a strange feeling knowing how you are going to die. I do and its not best. The reason I have decided to have to doses of chemo is because without I feel fine. I am in n pain nothing. I would rather have a quality of life rather than prolonged horrid existence.

I have my intravenous chemo today the one that makes me ill for about a week. Tonight I know I am going to feel like s**t. Its horrible and I feel like I no longer have it in me. The reason I put those lyrics up is because its whats getting me go on. Kind of like being cheered on at a 100m race at sports day.

After today I shall need 24hr care attention which I hate as I am a normally a private person who needs alone time. I not had any of that for such a long time. I really want to go away on holiday after this. I hope I will be able too.

Travel insurance can cost upto 500 pounds for me now that I am sick. Robbing bas*ards. Everything has changed now I have this and it was the weekend of my life that rubbed it in as today I am back into the grind of it all. It honestly feels like a job in a way a very stressful job.

I feel like nothing is going to change again. I have something to look forward this week. Seeing someone who i have not seen for such a long time. Cant wait to so him.

I have got in touch with a psychic who is amazing. She told my friend who I haven't spoken to for 5 years that someone male who's name begins with P needs to watch his bowel. When we got in touch and got chatting about it all he told me about it and he couldn't believe it ALL.

She has a years waiting list and that's how long he had to wait but she is coming to see me in April and told me everything will be OK and she knows I am ill. I told her nothing and that she was expecting my call.

Everything is all over and I am been driven up the wall by it all but my mind is made up on what I want and I cant do this forever as I will fall into a million pieces.

I am going to have to go as need to sort a lot of stuff out this morning.

So my thought of the day is...

jeremy kyle or trisha goddard?

peace love and falling apart

xxx