Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Blog No. 47.

So today I am beat. This exhaustion is lasting than last time. I am no way near as bad as Friday but I still feel limited in what I can physically do. I just want to be feeling healthy. Not felt that for such a long long time.

My mood is a bit up as have had a couple of nice days with Chris and he always makes me forget. I miss it when he's not here, I am always stuck on my own, I wish people would come visit me, I know people are busy and sometimes I can't be bothered But my days consist of being in a bubble.

I don't know what time and day it is normally, not as though I need to really But everything is merging and merging and I am scared that I might merge my life away.

The good thing is I have found mental strength, not much as I am constantly battling with myself need it be to get up and shower, have food, concentrate on what I am writing here. But some is there.

I just noticed how thin I am becoming and I am very self conscious about it. Last weigh in over a month ago i was 9 1/2 stone I may well be thinner now, the veins in my legs are sticking out I hate all of my clothes don't fit, my super skinny jeans are now basically just jeans. Belts on everything including stuff that was too tight for me before.

Yeah every girls dream but believe me its not. None of it is so I don't want comments about how being this good its not. Its probably why I am so tired, and yes I am eating.

Just cancer patients get thin. I am paranoid that I am starting to look ill. I don't want this at all or people to lye to me about it. I just don't want people to know I am sick or mistake me for the common Glasgow "junky" look.

funny how my vanity still rears its head when I am dying of cancer or I am really worried is how I look. Well I loved how I looked before and yet another thing this disease stripped me of.

I cant bear it.

So the thought of the day is....

Why do people think thin is good, I think it's hell on ice

Peace love and curves.


I have no bum I miss it...

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